Born again, broken

I don't really know what's going on. I feel like I've died but my ghost has been thrust back inside me. The life I've known has ended. Nothing else is beginning though. Or it doesn't seem to be. Everyone's turning their back on me and I don't have any idea why. I know I'm not that interesting, probably annoying, but if they put up with it for so long, why end it now? I'm sorry if I hold on too tight, alright? I'm sick of leeching onto people till I suck them dry and I'm forced to move onto the next person I see. I'm just gonna kill everyone this way. I need someone to pull me off them, detach my razor sharp teeth, see past my ugly nature, and embrace me. I'm not saying I deserve it. But that's what I'd like/need to happen for anything to start going right in my life.
I've been doing a lot of reading this weekend about Anne Morrow Lindbergh. She says you have to be narcissistic to write. I find that slightly comforting. I'm definitely narcissistic. But when you think about it, it really is true. Who are you to tell someone else's story? What's so great about you to share your own story? Who do you think you are thinking that you have anything to offer the world?
But anyways she wrote A LOT. Especially in her diary. I have one...sort of...but I rarely use it. Mainly because I have to dig it out from it's hidden location. And then it'll suck up a few hours of my day because there's always more on my mind than I ever realize, which is pretty scary. So I usually avoid it. I never want to write about "events" either like it seems you'd want to...I need to write most often on days when absolutely nothing is happening. That's when I lose it. I should probably write more, it always does make me feel better. I'm in a really crappy mood. I don't really know how to put it in words. I'm too lazy to get my diary out so I'm just typing here. It just seems like every feeling has already been felt, what's the point of even writing it out? But Anne made it all seem important the way she wrote everything. Maybe feelings do matter. I mean, I know they do, but...I wondered for a moment that if people ever just get used to sadness and somehow come to abhor happiness. But you can't define happiness can you? It's different to each person. Cookies may be joy to me but depression to someone else who finds lasagna heavenly and I find it disgusting. So their happiness would be my dismay and so forth...that's a weird example, but anyways...everyone hates sadness. You might learn how to cope, but it will always wear you down. I just can't understand people who proclaim that the world sucks and that they're always sad. Yeah, it's pretty much true, but they make it sound like they don't enjoy anything and that they have no hope. I've been depressed, I don't know if I've ever really recovered, but I always held onto something and wasn't proud of my sorrow.
This weekend I started out in a bad mood and still am in one. I'm losing everyone close to me. I thought about my ex a lot. I think I was missing him...more missing certain aspects. It seems foolish looking back, but he did matter to me. I know that, but in a way I've forgotten. I erase specific pain from memory as to somehow comfort myself, but overall it stains memories, my entire life. I miss the innocence. I miss having him alone to care about. I miss talking...though I still to him. It's not the same, but it's easier right now. But it's not the same. There's an odd friendship. There's nothing, yet everything there. Two people who've never truly gotten to know each other, but that know each other better than anyone else. But that aren't willing to share anything overly personal. That can't ever see each other. That run out of things to say. But always come back to each other anyways. There are no romantic feelings anymore. But that's okay. I knew all along that we would just never be like that. But I wanted to think otherwise. I can't be so cruel to myself to ask why. It's so obvious. But now thinking about it, the chemistry was just all wrong...but now that it's over similarities keep coming. We grow more the same with each day. Yet my feelings fade more all the time. But I still miss him somehow.
But now my thoughts shift to Scandy. I'm concerned for him, I really am. I want to say I love him, but it's not in a way I can really describe. I lust after him and I respect him as a person, I care about him dearly, but something is missing. I think his respect for me. His refusal to believe in a dream. I know it would never work out. And I've admitted that early on, which is good. But I'll never give up my dreams, the dreams he refuses to even give a chance. It's already sort of falling apart, but I don't know...maybe it's better that it happens earlier on that getting all attached and being even more heartbroken later. But I don't think of the same anymore lately.
"Love" has disillusioned me. The "love" I know is an illusion. It's not real. I'm not so hateful to say it doesn't exist, but it doesn't in the ways everyone says it does. From my reading on Anne and just from different ideas and opinions I hear lately, I just don't believe in it, think of it the same way. I recall reading something like "marriage isn't just about love". And I'm beginning to believe it. And sex isn't the greatest thing in the world like society is making it seem. There's more to life. Not every love story is filled with white horses, beach getaways, and expensive dining. Not every prince is handsome or worthy of love. The same goes for the princesses. They're not all that special. Sometimes love just happens. You don't always choose. The why, where, when, it just happens. You can't go out looking for love. It has to come to you. I don't know exactly how it works, I'm just a dumb teenager. But I'm not going to search anymore. It's lead to too many dead-ends. I'm not saying it'll be easy. But I have to at least try. I might be lonely, but I'm not going to be desperate anymore. Focus on myself more. Right now there's very little to love about me. I need to fall in love with myself for a change instead of avoiding how much I hate myself and living off of the moments someone else sees something in me.
Love is strange...my thoughts, my feelings...they're all changing.
I'm alone and broken. For now. But I'll grow stronger.

http://ndesign-studio.com/portfolio/illustration/abstract-phoenix

Like I phoenix I've been reborn...I have new dreams, new aspirations. If I fall I might break some bones, but I will fly again. And if I should perish, well at least I can say I died trying.

A turning point?

It's strange. I feel like I've come to a turning point in my life. This morning I was literally awoken to a nightmare. Almost everything I hold dear was being threatened to be taken away from me. I spent the day agonizing over my punishment and what my life would become. I almost had breakdowns multiple times. I almost poured my heart out to someone who never gives me the chance to speak. I left for work feeling somewhat composed, but I soon became seriously depressed. I almost felt ill I was so sad. I've never really ever seriously considered suicide before, but I thought to myself "If I felt like I do right now everyday there's just no way I would be able to go one living" it wasn't that I wanted to think that or that I want to kill myself, it's just that that is seriously how bad I was feeling. That's how much this matters to me. The last few days have been sorta crazy. I've gone from falling in love yet again with the guy I thought I was over to weeping about being stuck in the friendzone, agonizing on how to get out of it, feeling like crap, begging anyone who would listen for advice, to yelling at him, and then to laughing it all off.


And then I meet him...my Scandy Dream. I already knew him, I just didn't know him.
He's a simple type. He told me everything I'd ever wanted to hear within moments he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Obviously this isn't for real. But I wouldn't really mind. At this point I basically didn't know him at all. But when you're stuck in hopeless love marrying the first stranger who pays you a compliment doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I'm just crazy, but the thought was alright to me. Devoting your life to someone you neither love nor hate...it might not be so bad. Better than heartache, right? It's pretty sad, I know.

http://letsgetmarriedeveryone.tumblr.com/

But this guy, he gets it. He gets it better than that stupid one-night-rave-date guy. I didn't think anyone would be able to top his smooth cheesy pick-up lines. You see, rave boy got it. He picked up right away. That light bulb in his simple dull little head lit up and said "A girl just asked me to dance. I'm a guy. I'm attracted to women. She's not totally ugly. This could be alright. I'm at a convention. She likes the same things as me! Score!"
Maybe it's shallow, but at least he picked up quicker than any other guy thrown in my life. And that's what made me miss him. Someone had never complimented me so much in my life as he did in that one night. I didn't really even like him. But it didn't matter. Someone finally got it.

http://saucesome.net/pic/tag/color

But Scandy as I'll call him, gets it. He gets it better than I think anyone ever will. He put the pieces together real fast. Maybe not as fast as Rave Boy, but he sees the picture much clearer. He's not just in this for one night.
You know someone's special when you fit their type so perfectly they express desire to marry (when they hate the idea of marriage) within about 3 minutes of talking to you. I mean, I'd talked to him before but the conversation had just never sparked. But I think we've got it now.

An instant friendship and attraction was born. But it's not like one I've ever had before. It's a love I've never felt before.

http://s492.photobucket.com/albums/rr285/spreckis-pics/?action=view&current=robot-1.jpg&newest=1

As it turns out he's totally my type. Broke, foreign, older than me, a metal head, a gamer, an otaku, witty, pervy, nationalistic, and creative. You'd think I'd fall head over heels in love with this discovery but for some reason I didn't. I was asking myself why I wasn't. Maybe it's because I'd been moaning hopelessly in love with my forever friendzoner. Maybe it's because I'm actually in love with my friendzoner...that's a crazy thought.
But anyways, it was more just curiosity and admiration than anything.
The first thing he told me was that he found me attractive. The last thing he told me was that I was beautiful, no lie, and that I better never forget it.

He made me want to smile. He made me want to love myself again. I didn't feel ashamed or self-conscious before him like I do before my Friendzoner. I felt like I owed to happiness to myself and him for making it possible for me. He saw something in me I couldn't see in myself.

http://havepleasureinmakingsomeonesmile.blogspot.com/

He greets me today, telling me I'm beautiful.
As it turns out we're both stuck in the friendzone. It's an odd concept...two people in love with people they can't have, coming together to share an odd friendship/attraction. I don't think there's a word for what we have. It's not bad though...

http://www.ehow.com/info_8056303_ideas-win-him-back.html

Today was a reality check.

Today I'm changing my outlook.

I'm not going to spend my life dreaming up dreams that'll never come true.
I'm not going to lie to myself any longer.

http://thaleia.wordpress.com/2009/05/25/shattered-mirror/

If I'm here and they're there, it's not gonna work.
If I'm this age and he's that age, it's not gonna work out.

It's sad but it's true.

I'm not going to make a fool of myself though.

http://media.photobucket.com/image/splattered%20heart/Dr_pepper0221/icons/Heart10.gif?o=11

I don't know what love is.

I'm gonna stop pretending I do.
My feelings change with each passing day.
I'm not gonna pressure myself to fall in love.
I'm not gonna question myself.
I'm gonna let what happens happen.

http://banksystreetart.tumblr.com/post/414398636/allnewscene-reaching-for-or-letting-go-of

My life still may end, but I'm just gonna have to roll with it and make do with whatever's left. But I'll be happy while I can.


I'm not gonna live for them anymore.
I'm gonna give them space.
I'm gonna keep them close, but comfortable.


I don't know how I feel about Scandy exactly. But there's no way he'll be interested in me since he sees everything so clearly. And I just have to accept that. We can be friends...plus more, but less than what society thinks. We can support each other and joke around to keep each other smiling. It doesn't have to make sense. It just has to be.

Messed Up

Everything's messed up today. So I went to a speech meet today in the town I went to school as a child in. That town is my least favorite place in the world. It really is. It's only a few miles away, but I can't stand it. It's ugly, the houses are small, the people in it are mean. It just brings back bad memories. I feel bad hating everyone in the town though, just because a few people in that town treated me like crap.

Me and people these days...our relationship isn't normal. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm tired of starting conversations for them to just end. I don't text anyone or chat anyone anymore. I'm so afraid of saying goodbye that I can't say hello. I don't know what to talk about. Somehow I've cut myself off from the world. No one wants to talk to me.

I want to talk to the boy I love. But I always wait for him to talk to me. I don't want to bother him. If he wanted to talk to me, he would, right? But I always want to talk to him. I understand that most of our conversations lately aren't very interesting. I don't really even know why we talk. It doesn't lead to anything. But I love talking to him more than anything. I spend so much time wishing that I was talking to him, and then when I am...I just am. I don't understand it.

I think it's silly that I spend so much time worrying about what he'll think of me, what to say, when he should just love me for me. I should just be myself. I feel like he doesn't know the real me, but I don't know how he's ever going to see it. He's known the fake me for so long.

Conversation, relationships, friendships...today they all just seem pointless. I don't like thinking this way. I really don't. But it's just how I feel today. As I sat listening to other people's "poems", I didn't even try to listen. I didn't have the motivation, the ability to care. I stopped trying. I gave up. I don't like giving up. I really don't.

This one guy that I've seen around before, one who looks like a favorite celebrity of mine was there today. I'd like nothing more than to go up to him and tell him that he's one of the handsomest men I've ever seen and that he's perfect. But what would happen after that? I already have my guy. It would be creepy. He doesn't know me. There's all these people I come to fancy so much, but I never say anything to them because they're so out of my league, I fear the rejection. But I mean, it would be weird to just go up to someone and say they're hot and walk away. I'd like to be able to do that, but what good would it do?
I just don't know anything today.

It's gorgeous out. It's warm and sunny. It's so nice...

This year is inching and flying by. It's been over two months since I've seen him. It feels so much longer. What have I done this year? I haven't talked to anyone. I was in that stupid play...I've gone to classes and come home. I wrote a book. I wrote a few short stories. I feel like I haven't done anything though. This year feels so boring. Last year I created all these memories that I look back on. There's nothing to look back on this year. I've kept to myself, and it hasn't been any fun at all. As much as I don't want to admit it, I need other people.

http://vimeo.com/28736362

Blessed and Special

So in contrast to my previous post, I'm blessed. There are some people out there that care about me. Nothing makes me happier than when someone I don't know that well has a high opinion of me. "Truth is" or "To be honest" status annoy some people. Not me as much though. Some people are really thoughtful. People that I know but am not necessarily friends with have written some really kind things about me: things that not even my friends or family would ever even say about me. Haha, I suppose that's because they don't know me that well. But moments like these restore faith in myself, like maybe I'm not as horrible of a person as I think I am. That maybe I am beautiful. Maybe I am smart. Maybe I am nice. If someone else thinks so, maybe it's true. I feel so awful sometimes too because these people that compliment me, I never would've said the same things about them. I'm a highly cynical and judgmental person. I don't want to be, but I am. There are some decent people out in the world.
And then I have this wonderful friend who treats me like royalty. I avoid him a lot though. Sometimes I need space. But I do have a few really good people in my life. Sometimes I can just become so absorbed in my own misery I fail to acknowledge the good things I have.

http://pattiveeraplin.tumblr.com/

People Around Me

What is wrong with me? I have friends! It's crazy, all of a sudden everyone misses me and wants to do stuff with me, even people I haven't seen in years! Why? Who really knows. But it makes me feel rather loved, almost normal. It always seems like everyone else is always hanging out with their friends. Not me. But this weekend I've got like a million things to do with people!
It's strange, lately all the people I absolutely couldn't stand, I'm actually just accepting. But then people I thought seemed okay, are really bothering me. How does that work? I'm just glad I'm coming to accept people as they are. (Though maybe that's a bad thing?)
I may not talk to everyone, but I shouldn't let it get me down. I do have friends. I might not talk to them that often, but I guess I just have to suck it up and live life for myself.
Haha, I was listening to the Eagles's song "Take it Easy". I love these lines:
"Well, I'm running down the road
tryin' to loosen my load
I've got seven women on my mind,
Four that wanna own me,
Two that wanna stone me,
One says she's a friend of mine,
Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels
Drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don't even try to understand
Just find a place to take your stand
and take it easy"

At first you think whoa, seven women...but then you think and in my case I can think of seven guys hahaha. I mean just that I have crushes on or did or whatever. I can't really relate to the "wanna own" stuff though. But the last part about spinning your wheels, that's just deep. It's honest. It's true. Let it soak in.

What I Have

I was saying how I had hardly any friends the other day. Then I decided to count and I had quite a few! I have more friends than I've ever had, yet I complain about hardly having any. Some of them I don't talk to that often, which is what it is. But then I feel like a lot of them I don't know that well. I define true friendship differently than others might. Like, I wrote in one girl's yearbook once that I hoped to get to know her more the next year, and then she wrote in mine that she was glad she had gotten to know me. I still feel like I hardly know her...true friendship in my mind requires being able to hold deep conversations together. That's hard to find these days. I'm constantly surrounded by people who aren't the handful of people I can somewhat consider friends. This gets me down as I see everyone else who has no problem getting along with everyone. Everyone laughs and appears to be friends with everyone while I stand alone. I feel like a lot of the people I know aren't going to be there for me down the road or already aren't, but they're what I have. I should be grateful. I don't want to just leave them, but I think I want to take the risk to find more, better friends. I get discouraged easily. I know that there's still good people out there, but I just don't end up getting to know the people I want to and am surrounded by people I don't care for. Why is it like this? I suppose I just have to accept that it's a challenge God has given me.

Cut to A Brief Thought

These past few days I've had so much on my mind...I don't know if there's ever been this much on my mind. It would take hours to write about it all and I don't feel like depressing myself all over again. So I'll just briefly rant about this:
Over the past few weeks I've been getting to know this one guy and he's awesome, I love absolutely everything about him, he's hilarious, he's nice, he's just amazing. It's hard to describe how epic he is. He's that type of guy thought that everyone loves, that's friends with everyone. I'd say that we're friends. I've probably talked to him more than any other guy before. I know what you're thinking, you think that I'm falling for him. See, that's just the thing, I feel like I should because he's so awesome, but I only see him as a friend. He doesn't like me, so the question is, why do I worry so much about this? I don't know how I feel about him, but I really want him to pay attention to me, to like me. He likes talking to other people a lot more than me. I'm not all that interesting, I understand, but I just want him to like me...I don't have all that many friends. I'm a clingy person...I need people to stick by me all the time. That's why friends are so hard for me to find. I'm somewhat demanding. I'm not okay with people jumping between cliques, like he does...I want him to stay with me and my friends. I'm selfish...but he's just so awesome and fun to talk to.
It makes me sad, everyone loves this kid, yet he complains about having no friends, about no one asking him to events. There's another guy that I've mentioned before that I have feelings for, who's also like this. Both of these guys are really ticking me off. Both have tons of friends, they just refuse to realize it. The other guy, people are always asking him how he is, telling him to call them, but he never does. I haven't talked to him in over a week...if he doesn't want to talk to me, he should just say so. It would save us both so much trouble...But back to the kid. I invited him to go to a thing with me, but because we're friends he didn't think I was serious. It didn't bother me that much, but grr, he's still complaining about people never inviting him to anything! I just did!
Oh, man, I need to stop letting other people bother me so much!

New Look

You may notice that Uncertain Knight has a new look. I liked the previous look, but I guess I'm trying to display that our battle is out there in the everyday world, hence this new background.
I often wrestle over what exactly I should use this blog for. So far it's been more for general situations and emotions more than actual events going on in my life. I sort of like having it so I can just concentrate on the emotions of situations, but at the same time it would be nice to go more into situations...so I'm not sure exactly what I'll do with this...
Anyways, I'm in a pretty good mood for once, amazing, yes. I went out driving today, went to the comic shop, and that's about it, but it was a pretty decent day. I love getting out of the house.
So it really bothers me, there's this person I care a lot about, I tried "talking" to them the other day and they said they'd be right back, and of course they never came back. This bothers me a lot, it happens to me all the time, but I didn't let it bother me too much that time. But then apparently this person is all depressed and stuff, thinks they have no friends. It makes me want to scream! I was there, trying to talk to them! They could talk to me any time and they know it! They do it to themselves! Ahhh! People don't realize what they have until it's gone. One day I'll leave and he'll miss me, maybe as much as I miss him...

I can almost see the chains linking me to you

I hold the key, not you

But I’m so used to these restrictions by now

I’m used to bending down to you,

Yearning for you attention, For your praise


I’m sorry that I’m not good enough for you,

Even though I give you everything you want

I know I’m not meant for you,

But you’re all I have


I should move on,

I should be strong,

We’d both be just fine on our own,

But you chain me to you with those words,

The ones you don’t even know you say,

But speak to my heart.


I know I'm young,

I know I'm dumb,

but how you treat me still matters


I don't know if we're friends or not anymore, if we ever were,

if it was just a convenient word to describe us, or what,

but friend is a noun, not an adjective.

A Summarized Evening

Rawr. I'm sorta ticked off, but already sorta to the "I don't even care" point. So this relative of mine told this guy that I refused to do something for this other person and asked if they would do it because I wouldn't. Now I look like a horrible person in that guy's mind, more than I already am. I have a a terrible shyness around them and probably come off incredibly arrogant and cold. But anyways, I'm just super ticked off. So that guy was like hey, she can do that, then told me I should do it, but then tried to guilt trip me with the "you can do whatever you want" line and a five minute lecture. So now I'm basically forced to do this favor that I thought I refused to do, about six months ago. I was shocked to hear it brought up. Some people never drop anything.
I'm aware that this is so summarized, it probably makes no sense. Sorry. It's hard to explain, but I just have to at least try to express this to get my frustration out.

Just Plain, Just Existing

Do you ever feel like sometimes no one is seeing for you really are; like you're invisible? Do you ever feel plain and unworthy? Do you feel like you're just surviving? Well, I feel like that quite often anyways, though I try not to when I can help it. There are few people I talk to, it's just my fate that I'm not usually surrounded by the people I want to be. Most of my day I spend silently, cynically, watching. I watch other people with friends laugh and socialize. I just watch. I don't even really try to jump in. Maybe that's my own fault. But they have their friends, I have mine, they're just never around...
I don't like being looked at as the loner all the time. It bothers me how there will be plenty of people who sit quietly in class by themselves, and they're not accused of being strange, yet I am. Why me? I'm awkward and I know it. I'm insecure about every move I make. I'm afraid to even reach into my bag. That's how bad things are at times. I don't like most other people. I don't know why I let the fear of their opinion bother me so much. I'm striving to just attack life head on and act as I please, though still with moral decision of course. I just am tired of feeling constrained; not being who I am.
I feel like I'm in a rut. I wake up the same time, arrive the same time, eat at the same times all everyday. I'm blending in to the dreary pattern of life. I want to be fully submerged into every moment, fully awake, fully alive. I don't want to be this walking zombie. I don't want to be awkward and weird like everyone thinks I am. I want them to see me for who I really am. I don't know why I don't let them. I don't like them anyway. I've never fit in, why do I act like I'm trying to?
I hadn't even intended to write about this topic. It' always on my mind...I could go on forever...it's odd how I'd been having a pretty decent day, then out of the blue I felt invisible once again...
One day the world will see me.

People in Your Life

When you're struggling, God always finds a way to cheer you up. Today I was in a rather sour mood. I was sick and annoyed by everyone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I rarely see my friends, but I wasn't even talking to them. I felt like I didn't have anything to say and nothing to offer. But then of course when I didn't feel like talking to anyone, they texted me, sent me video chat calls, chat messages...I can't help but give into that. And now I'm happy. I know a few half decent people who every once in a while can cheer me up. God always sends us what we need even when we don't think it's what we want. He's always looking out for us. Never lose faith in His Love. Never give up hope. I may not be as close as I want to be to God, but as long as I keep my mind and heart opened to His transformations, everything will be alright.

Also, if you're interested, I invite you to take a look at my blog Weird Lame Interesting Awesome...Life: http://weirdlameinterestingawesomelife.blogspot.com/. I've recently re-purposed it, if you will. It includes more detailed accounts of events happening in my life and my thoughts on them in a more casual tone.

Thank you for reading!

Quick Update

I have a very tight schedule and no time to post this right now, but I just need to type this down.

They're back!

They're back in my life for the time being.
Yes, more lame excuses, but sincere and genuine, as usual. So I'll forgive and try to forget, yet again.
I'm happy, but am not expecting much. My heart can only take so much, so I'll try to pace myself so I won't fall so hard again, but I hope that they will stick around and not let me down.

A Night of Missing and Music

So I've been missing a certain person lately. These songs sort of reflect some of what I'm Feeling:

"My Favorite Dream" by Mae

(Just discovered their music tonight)

"Wish You Were Here" by Hey Monday. (A beloved band to me).

(And just saying, I don't own the music/videos in any way)

It's that whole idea that you'll find someone that means so much to you, but deep down you know that you mean nothing close to them as to what they mean to you.
Not hearing from someone for over a week drives me crazy. I'll come up with wild ideas why they haven't tried talking to me.

I feel like I'm drifting away from a beloved friend. Distance always seems to do that... =P But we were never even that close to begin with...it seems like this just isn't meant to be...but then why did it get so far?

It's painful. I realize that my emotions might not be mutual(...then was I being led on?) I'm left wondering; left to be cautious. It's really quite cruel. They made promises to me...they never keep them! I should know better to always fall back into their tricks, but they're just so genuine, and I want to love them so much!
I feel like if I'm not on their mind every few days, they'll/ have forgotten about me.
What hurts the most though is the uncertainty. I don't know if they're worth missing, if my emotions for them are strong enough to make any effort at all.

It's probably best to just let this person go, like I let "him" go...but I don't want this person to be another "him". I want a friendship to last. I know that they're better. But they're not nearly good enough...

To Be A Friend

It really doesn't take that much to be a friend. Haha, that's an odd thing to hear from me. I'm terribly shy. But occasionally I'll meet a person and I'll just know that we'll be friends, and we might become friends. You need to smile and wave when you see them, show genuine interest, invite them to things, make them feel included, and offer to go with them places or help them. You should ask how their day is going and wish them luck with their events. Even if you don't have much in common, if you display loyalty, their trust is yours.
:)

Beautiful

Never let anyone make you feel ugly. You are beautiful just the way you are.
First of all, it should just be put out there that I'm a horribly self-loathing-narcissist. Half the time I think I'm disgustingly ugly, the other half I think I'm gorgeous.
Beauty is really just an opinion, a mindset, in a way. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Everyone has their own definition of beauty. If you compare yourself to others you're going to get nowhere. Maybe if you're in a room of unhygienic people you'll feel beautiful. But perhaps if you're in a room filled with super models you'll feel ugly. A lot has to do with surroundings. True beauty comes from yourself though, the condition of your soul, your personality, and you present yourself to the world. Beauty through confidence shines brighter than through any appearance.
I've had people tell me that I'm ugly to my face. It's something that no one wants to hear and something that no one should have to. Maybe it doesn't sound that bad, but when people tell you that while you're still growing up, you'll believe it. I've lived my life believing that half the time I'm ugly, half the time that I'm beautiful, because people like my grandparents or older people would tell me that I was beautiful, while others told me or made me feel the opposite. But when you're growing up, who do you listen to, people your age, or older people? You're going to listen to the popular outspoken people your own age, because you fear them because they make you believe that they are superior.
If I could name one feature about myself that I like, I'd say that I like my smile. I like to smile. I like being happy. If I could transfer the confidence and radiance I have when I smile at myself in the mirror or at a friend, my whole life would be different. I compare myself to others though. I let myself be influenced by the people around me. I let myself believe that I'm not as good as them, not as pretty; ugly.
I'm going to change though. I'm not going to live my life any longer in fear of what others think, because in all honesty no one really cares. Everyone's so wrapped in themselves, you could really mean less to most people. You need to live for yourself, love yourself, until love is sewn into your destiny. Don't get me wrong though, you need to help others, trust others, but you must learn to love yourself first. Treat yourself and others as God would.
You are beautiful, you are God's child. You are made in His Image. Never forget it. You can shine because God's Light is within you. You just need to let it out and lead the way for others.

Thinking Things over...:/

I'm considering leaving you as you are, just as I did with him. I was so convinced that I was in love with him. I knew he didn't love me though. I stopped trying to see if he would make an effort. He made none. We haven't spoken in months. That's just how it is. Occasionally I'll think of him. I don't miss him though. I don't miss being unappreciated. At the time I couldn't live without him, but now I am and I'm doing just fine.
I found you and thought that everything was alright once again, my friend, the guy that's there to listen to me. You have so many things in common with him, but you're so much better too. With him, I made all the effort. With you, you always make the first move. You're more of a man than he'll ever be even though you act more like a child than he.
Times have changed, looking back I see how much I've grown up and I know that I'll just keep growing. I'm not going to make the same mistakes that I made with him. Sometimes I wonder if you care, always breaking your promises. I know that's just how you are, but sometimes it hurts seeing the real you.
I don't know what I want. I almost want to be rid of you. You're not part of my here and now. You're far away, but I don't want to let you go. Who else do I have? I don't want to waste my time though. But I hate being alone. I want to be with you again, I want to hear the truth. I can handle it, I just need to know what it is, or what it was. I'm afraid your mind might or has changed. I'm not sure what I want to hear, but I want to hear something, so I can stop wondering, so I can make peace, let myself fall for you, or let you go. Right now it's all in your hands...I have little choice. If you let me go, it's your own fault due to your own errors.
I've come to accept that I never loved him, I had merely made an idol out of him. You're a hope, a somewhat attainable dream, a desire, a fantasy. I know I don't love you though. Back then I thought I was so in love, I felt so strongly for him, and now knowing that it was nothing near love, I can only imagine how forceful and life changing love really is and I look forward to the day I find it.

The Confused Unloved

There are so many wonderful people out there that feel unloved. For instance, think of all those blogs out there where people sadly say how no one reads their work and how hopeless they feel. In my opinion blogging is more for yourself, and if other people read, that's great. You should never start out doing something though to impress other people. You should start things for yourself and your own satisfaction.
I just can't get over how many brilliant people there are out there that fall into depression and sadness because they feel like they're calling out into the dark, that no one notices them. I've been there, I know what it feels like, but you must remember that someone does care. You just might not know it, or they haven't found you and your talent yet.
Stay strong and know that you are loved. Love yourself if nothing else.

Caught in the In-between

A friend said to give it a month. Give my feelings a months to sort themselves out. It's been about two weeks, and I'm lost, more than ever before. I'd call it love because I didn't know what else to say, but now I'm surrounded by people other than you, and I see that there's other options, but no one can compare to you. With everyday that passes by, everyday that you don't talk to me, I feel us slipping apart, my feelings fading, leaving me hopelessly confused. I'm clinging to previously felt emotions, and I don't know how long I can hang on.
I'm happy right now, I am. You're not really in my life right now. You still matter to me, it still hurts when you break your promises, but I've just come to accept it I guess. Is that good or bad? Will I always settle for less? Right now is a confused time though, I know that one day things will make sense.

Back...

So it was back to the real world for me today. I love seeing and being around people, but at the same time I sort of can't stand it. I love seeing smiles and genuine friendship and meaningful conversations, but when I see people gossiping and mocking each other I just lose it. What bothers me the most is when I will be sitting in a religious service and obnoxious kids will sing ridiculously ruining great hymns of praise. Everything is a joke to some people. Ugh, all I can do is try to find the good in people and be the best person I can be. It's time to worry about myself, not others.