Tuesday, January 31, 2012

If this is goodbye

If this is goodbye, that would be just fine.
Yeah, I'm fed up, you're not sorry, you don't even know what I'm feeling right now. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, but this really feels like the end. And if it is, that would be just fine.
We've come so far. We've had good times. Looking back, we've had our little adventures, sure I would've liked to have more, and maybe we still will, but right now I'm willing to settle.
I have all these emotions inside me concerning you, but it's not that I really even miss you right now. I'm fed up, sick of being put on a shelf. We'll see if I matter enough for you to come back. We were just getting somewhere, it's a disappointment, but if you're going to treat me this way, maybe it's a blessing. If you make the effort I'll be willing to forgive, but right now you're just ignoring me, so we'll see.
I'm sick of being angry and disappointed, so at this moment I'm just going to let it all go.
If this is goodbye, that's just fine.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

You know, these past few days have sorta sucked. They were supposed to be happy. I can't help but attribute some of this let down to the few conversations I've had with you lately. Maybe if you had made an effort to talk to me, I wouldn't feel so bad, I wouldn't be consumed with all these emotions inside me. Maybe I would've been happier and more at ease. But I'm not. You didn't try to speak to me. It's okay I guess. Over the past few days I've realized that life goes on with out you. I don't need you. I'm questioning why I ever thought I did. You add so much drama and worry to my life. I don't want to say goodbye, but now I know that if we did, I'd be just fine.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

"I'll always be here for you" ?

Okay, it bothers me how people always say "I'm here for you!"
Like, yeah, if you broke up with someone they'd chat with you for an hour or so to get the dirt so they could tell all their friends. Maybe it's cynical, maybe there's people better than that out there.
It's just angering how to get people's attention something horrible has to happen.
If I ask how you are, you should ask me back in return. We're probably not going to have a very good conversation if I ask how you are. You say good. I ask what you're doing. You say nothing. It just doesn't work. I don't know why half the time stuff like that happens when that person swears you mean the world to them. If I matter so much, can't you ask how I am? What if I really need to talk to you, I feel really crappy, but I'm not going to just come out right away and cry "I feel like a depressed sack of crap and I need to talk to you." No. It doesn't work like that. Now you'll never know. Now you'll never know.
If you say you have someone's back, you always need to.

Friday, January 20, 2012

What do you see in them?

Well, I got it partly off my chest, the gist of it anyways. But now I'm starting to second guess. She asked, "why do you like him?" ... I was caught off guard. Things the past few days have been rough, but I of course still care about him. He's nice, caring, we have lots of things in common...
It's crazy thinking about how horrible and ridiculous we all are. We have our overpowering personalities, most of the time our faults are more obvious than our attributes. Well he's just a silly boy, and I'm just a silly girl. Neither of us really have anything to offer, but together we might just have something.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Different then Her

You tell me I'm different. It's real with me. You're over her. You're into me. These sound like common lines, yet music to my ears, but they don't satisfy. I've seen the pictures, I've heard her tell, I've seen it: you had fun with her. What's fun about me? I've don't know if I've ever truly made you smile. I feel like you'll never know me like you knew her. You two went so deep. Now you're crawling out to me? Our friendship has lasted longer than yours and hers ever has, yet she knows a side of you I don't, even though you say I know you better than any one else. It's not that I really have a reason to doubt anything, it's just that I doubt it, because our love is far from perfect. When I'm insecure doubts fills my mind. I'm afraid you're not over her even though you say you are. I'm afraid I'll never make you smile like she did. I'm afraid you'll never be yourself like you used to be. I'm afraid I'll lose her. I'm afraid I'll lose you. What am I going to do?

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Beautiful Me

Today was an incredibly interesting day. But one part I'd like to focus on is how others saw something in me. One of my friends that I met up with today kept encouraging, telling me that I could face whatever challenges were to come my way. They genuinely wanted  me to do well. I don't get that often.
I'm really awkward in social situations. At one point I said something like, "I know, I'm no fun." Then they seriously said, "Oh, yeah, you're no fun: that's why I'm hanging out with you right now." Those are the type of things you remember when people say them. There's many memories from today that I think I'll remember for the rest of my life.
I'm an incredibly negative person. I'm always down on myself. I was saying how I wasn't very good at the guitar, and my friend said, "Hey, don't say you're not good!" They wouldn't even let me say it. People get angry at me for not believing in myself, for being so negative. They yell at me for apologizing, for talking too quietly, for not looking at them in the eyes. I always feel guilty after I'm called out. If they don't view me in the horrible ways I view myself, why should I?
Lately I've been incredibly blessed to be reconnecting with and making new friends. I've found someone I love, and I'm now able to confront and befriend former loves and have healthy friendships with them. Today I was reminded that there are people who believe in me. There are people who think I'm beautiful. There are people who enjoy being with me. Maybe those people aren't most of the people in the world, but if you think about it, it's pretty amazing for another human being to find any interest in little old you. I think about how lately people have told me I look good, thinner, beautiful, when I'm truly not. I look the same as I always have. I think about all these comments lately, the friends who've come to love me, and how they praise me with so many compliments, then I think about all the other kids at school, the kids who used to make fun of me. I recall all the years I've felt fat, ugly, and unworthy. I'm not. It's sad to think that my entire life I've believed all those people who made me feel crap. I've believed that I was crap. But not anymore. I'm beautiful and no one will tell me differently.

If You'd Asked Years Ago

I don't know what this is, but there's this person that I used to really like, that I knew liked me, but never said anything. I haven't seen them in like 3 years, yet today we're going to meet up. I'm over them, they're over'll be weird. If they'd asked all those years ago, I would have loved to love them, but now the feelings have passed, and I've taken a different path with my life. It's strange how life works out.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Offensive Crap

So I got pretty ticked off this afternoon. I was in my theology class, we were split up into groups. I just happened to be in a group of people I don't like. None of them had done the assignment. One guy asked what to put for the summary. Another answered stereotypical events of the Bible in an offensive manner, then added "a bunch of stupid ******* ******** like that". I was appalled. We're talking about the Bible! How could someone, in a theology class say such a thing? Then he had to add how boring the Bible is, how pointless the class is, and all sorts of other things. It just made me insanely upset. I'm not the most devout Christian in the world, but that just really bothered me. Then more inappropriate comments came from other people in the class, and I really don't care to even talk about it, it just made me so angry! I haven't gotten this worked up about my classmates in a while. I'd say I'm an incredibly tolerant person on the outside, but I was really close to losing it. It doesn't do any good to stand up and cuss them out though. Maybe I should have told them off a bit, but I don't like making enemies. They don't care for me anyways though, so maybe I just should have. All I know is, is that the youth has a horrible lack of respect.

Sunday, January 8, 2012


So there was this big "semi-formal" dance last night. I didn't go to it. No one asked. I mean, I didn't expect anyone to. Most of my friends were sort of dreading it. As they got into all the back and forth with the planning of groups and transportation and whatnot, I was glad I wasn't going. Usually I get like really freaking mad and jealous when I look at pictures of all these brats and jerks I used to go to school with, all lovey dovey with each other in super expensive red-carpet worthy dresses gathered outside of their mansions. But I was talking to a friend who went to the dance and I guess all of my friends really missed me and wished I was there. Literally almost all of my friends went to the dance. I wasn't too upset about not being asked because I really don't like the guys at our school. I have my heart set on someone else anyways. I couldn't go with them though. It's hard being apart. We can't do things like this. But I'm just grateful for having them in my life. Looking at all the pictures this time though, I found myself happy for all the other people. That never happens! They all looked so happy. I almost actually wished I'd gone, not in a sad way, but in a, it would have been fun way, not a I wish I'd of had a date kind of way. Maybe next year. Until then, I'll do my best to live my life to the fullest.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Most Things on My Mind

Today's been overall a very thoughtful day. I was with my teammates going to an away meet. The drive was about an hour away. Surprisingly, I really fell in love with the area we were driving through. It was still considered part of the metro area, but it was like all these little wooded farms right on the side of the road. It wasn't really rural in my mind because houses and farms were consistently following one another. I always dream about the future. I'm not so much of a dreamer in the present or past, but when it comes to the future I am. I imagined myself moving out to the area with the guy I love. It would be great, just everything would be a ways away. That's what bothers me about myself. I can't ever just enjoy anything. I mean, this is a freaking fantasy, and I'm thinking "hmmm, well we'd better have good paying jobs to live this far out." Who cares about that, honestly?! Living out in the country with someone you love -- that's awesome! Who cares what you do for a living? You're in the beautiful country with someone you love!

I was having one of those days where you just realize how much of a loner you are. You know you're a loner when you can't even fit in on your own team. My closest friend on the team was being a player, flirting around, and gaming, like always. All the other people my age were listening to their music, talking to their friends, or falling all over my friend. I looked out the window silently, like always.
I love looking out the window. It really was a beautiful drive. It's just, humans are always searching for acceptance.

I really don't like anyone at my school, hardly even my friends most of the time. In some of my classes I literally sit in the back by myself when everyone else is in groups. It's just how it is. I'm through beating myself up for not talking to the snobs. Yeah, I should be less anti-social, but I should stop caring so much. I'll talk to someone if I feel like it. I'm done feeling obligated and crappy.

When I see other teams, I wish I went to their schools, that I was on their teams. They all seemed to be friends, all seemed to get along. They seemed to appreciate. They seemed not so stuck up. But they always say the grass in greener on the other side.

I go to Church. I know God's there. I know He's much larger than me. I know He's done great things for me, but right now it's hard for me to know much else. With all the things people say, it's hard to know what to believe anymore. For the first time I'm really questioning everything. I'll always believe though. I could never forget my love for God.

I think about the person I love. I don't see them much. Some times I feel really down because we're apart. What's the use of putting any effort into my appearance? What's the use of buying all these new clothes? There's only one person I care about looking nice for, and they already think I'm beautiful. But I tell myself, I need to do it for myself. I need to look good for myself. I can't live a life of reaction. I try to convince myself that I'd be, I am, fine without them. But once you're loved, that feeling never goes away.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

You know you're not over something when just the thought of it makes you upset, makes you want to cry. It's especially hard though when you know that despite how horrible and unfair everything seems, how you wish you could change it all, the way it worked out was for the best. This was the best thing that could ever happen to you.