Wednesday, August 31, 2011

A Better Day: Morals

Today I didn't feel to depressed. Sure, there were lonely and insecure moments, but there always are. My friends' support was still there. Things are looking up, though still no where near perfect, but they're on the way to making sense. I talked to a couple people today, which is big for me, though only for a little bit. As long as I make progress it's a good day. Sometimes I feel so unworthy and ugly compared to other people, but I know I'm not. If I believe in myself people will come to respect me. Things are the way they are because of me. It's my own fault, it always has been. There's no use blaming others, you have to take responsibility for your own life.
I've been reading about "morality" the past couple days. Morals are the values you hold that you use to make the decisions that form who you are. It's time to find better morals. It's about taking who you are and looking at who you want to be. You can never be anyone but yourself though. You can always improve yourself though. There's always going to be an imperfection. You just need to give life your best shot, and you'll be alright.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Tearful Day With A Happy Ending

So today has been a horrible day for me. I don't think I've ever really cried in public, but I did today. I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle my new burdens and challenges, but I feel better now. My friends have consoled me. I put up a status on Facebook I was so depressed. I'm not one to share my feelings with the world, but today I just felt the need. I don't like to cry out for attention like that, but I guess I did today, and I do feel better. It's great to hear from friends you sort of forgot about, tell you that they love and care about you. There's hard times ahead, but maybe with my friends' support I'll be able to make it through. The people who cheer you up when you're down are your true friends.
I'll keep fighting.

Monday, August 29, 2011


So it was back to the real world for me today. I love seeing and being around people, but at the same time I sort of can't stand it. I love seeing smiles and genuine friendship and meaningful conversations, but when I see people gossiping and mocking each other I just lose it. What bothers me the most is when I will be sitting in a religious service and obnoxious kids will sing ridiculously ruining great hymns of praise. Everything is a joke to some people. Ugh, all I can do is try to find the good in people and be the best person I can be. It's time to worry about myself, not others.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Oh, Well, Still Good

"Disappointments are just God's way of saying: 'I've got something better for you.' "
Haha, this quote would have been good the other day, but is still true nonetheless.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Once Again With Compliments And Positivity

Today I was trying on a dress and the lady that ran the store said it looked very cute on me, and then said so again once I was leaving the store. Just that simple comment brightened my day. So once again I encourage myself and all of you to encourage each other with positive advice and responses!
It's interesting how if you're at a store and the people working there are happy, you tend to feel happy too, and want to come back. If they're not, you don't feel welcome. I try to excuse people though, it's not easy work being happy and working. It's just really a delight when you run across happy people though, it truly is.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Well, he didn't remember, he didn't care, it didn't bother him at all. That's that. He's not worth it. I've always known that. I have to hope, I have to dream though. He's just made me realize that this is reality. He doesn't care that much about me. He can say he does, but he really doesn't. He'll talk to me when he has time, and I guess that'll just have to be enough. I really didn't want this to bother me so much. What I thought was going to happen, happened. Why is this so hard? So I'll smile at him and say it's fine while I cry inside, knowing that it's not. I don't even feel guilty this time about his excuses. This was really on him, it's his fault, not mine. I don't feel guilty, I just feel disappointed...I'm disappointed that I wasted my summer on him and that this is how it had to end.
He's just a boy, just a boy. I'll be strong, I'll hold on, I'll move on.

Let Down

 Dear (insert name here),
You've really disappointed me this time. You gave me your word, you sounded so sure, you talked this up. But then you didn't make any effort. You failed me. Again. Time flies by, I thought you'd know this by now.
"What did you do today?"
"Nothing, just wasting time."
Is wasting time more important than spending time with me, responding to me, one of your "closest" friends?
Now our time is up, and I know I should give up on you, but somehow you always pull me back in. I feel guilty for blaming you every time. But this is really on you this time. I wasn't the one making promises I couldn't keep.
"I can't forgive myself if I don't make it up to you!"
You're going to be feeling guilty for quite a while now, aren't you, that is if you even remember that you said that to me.
I know that you're scatter-brained, but you're driving me insane. How many more excuses can I make for you? It's time you keep your promises or don't make them, figure out what your priorities are.
I won't let this be the end though, you matter too much to me, so I'll let this go, but I'll never forget. A miracle could still turn this around for you, but I hadn't expected much to begin with, I can't let myself with you. It'll be okay though. It's not the end of the world. This isn't the end of us yet.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Compliments Are Worth Something

One of the best feelings in the world is feeling like you're worth something, like someone needs you. The best words to hear are "you are truly amazing" and "I can't thank you enough, you're a great friend!". Never hesitate to compliment someone. Words can have huge effects on people. You can raise people up or bring them down. We should never desire to bring anyone down. Let's join together to compliment each other. Thank you for reading this, you're an amazing person!

Whenever someone comes to you seeking advice and consoling, never turn them away. It takes a lot of guts to come out and share your problems with others. We remember who was there for us and who wasn't in our time of need. We need to be there for each other.

Let's go out and "be the change" we "want to see in the world" ! We need to "do little things with great love" !

Monday, August 22, 2011

Crazy End of the Summer Times

This end of the summer is a crazy time. Friends are fighting, feeling ignored and bullied, hurt and crying. I'm saying my last goodbyes. I'm not crying though. It's just the beginning. Things are a little rough now, well they always are, things are a little worse right now than usual, but I won't let this bother me. I've always been that girl on the sidelines, never getting involved. I'm not about to throw myself head into battles and provoke arguments though like my friends are lately. I'll stay that person everyone can trust, give advice, listen, and if someone does something deliberately to hurt me, then I'll do something. It's hard wanting to be friends with anyone right now seeing how they treat others, but until they hurt me personally, I can't just say I hate them. I'll speak when spoken to, but I'm not making any effort to befriend anyone who makes no effort to be my friend, and cusses out others.

Relationships are falling apart. It's for the best really. Why tie yourself down to someone who cares so little for you, who ignores you? Let yourself free if you're not happy, if you're not in love, if you don't feel like yourself anymore. If you've made tireless effort and have bore no fruit, maybe it's time to move on. Maybe it's not, don't listen to me, I know little about things like this. Somethings just aren't meant to be though. People and their desires change. It might not be your fault, but maybe it is. Be happy though despite all, live your life.

A very stressful thing is waiting for people to get back to you on something. You can sit and fret about it for hours, but it's not going to do anything. The best thing is to really just continue on living as before. Tell yourself, hey, if this happens, that's just wonderful, but if it doesn't, I guess it isn't the end of the world. I struggle with this, but right now I'm actually feeling just fine, knowing that it really isn't the end of the world. We can spend our entire lives waiting if we really want to. The trick is how we spend our time waiting.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

End of Summer Ties

Summer should be spent with friends. Maybe not everyday, but every summer you have to have one of those nights you spend just talking for hours on end. Laugh at jokes, cry at heartache, give advice, just be there and listen to one another. Find those people who have your back and are willing to support you. This group will most likely gain and lose a few members over time, but never give up faith in your friends. 
Surround yourself with people who love you for who you truly are, people who think you're beautiful despite all your flaws. Once someone else can tell you it, you can start to believe it yourself. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You're lovable in every way. 
You're going to come across a few rotten apples, some people who try to bring you down. Don't fall with them though. People change and there's little you can do about it. You can't let yourself live in the past. You're so much better off without certain people. Everything happens for a reason. Yell at them if they deserve it, but never become one of them. Embrace yourself fully, who you are, who you can be. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not good enough. Ban together with your friends, with yourself if no one else, and enjoy the battle. Enjoy standing up for yourself. The world's against you, but hey, you've found yourself and that's all that really matters. You can't let yourself conform to the hate. Love yourself, love others, love everything. Love them despite the things they say and do. Love that they hate you. You're better then them. You know you are.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Is it just me?

Is my failure due to myself? Do I not succeed because I'm not confident?
"You have all day to think about it!" they say.
"But what good does thinking about it do?!" I ask.
Thinking has everything to do with it.
It makes me think of the lyric I was listening to just last night:
"What do you say to someone who's right, but you disagree even if it's the truth?"
("Decipher Reflections From Reality" by Playradioplay!)
Every action requires thought. I know that attitude, thought, mindset, has to do with everything. But you can never know until you actually physically try, right?
If I convince myself that I'm going to ace a test, that doesn't just mean I'm going to ace it. I need to put the effort of studying in.
In the fourth volume of the manga Papillon by Miwa Ueda, in the bonus pages things like this are discussed. If you have no doubts you can live life as you dream it. If you think "I hope this doesn't happen," it's going to happen because you're focusing specifically on that, not what you actually want.
These are interesting notions. I need to try to focus more on what I want in life rather than what I don't. Time to sort out my priorities.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Old Music and Old Love

Do you ever have those moments when you'll just listen to music you haven't listened to in years? Then when you listen you remember everything you were feeling when you listened to it for the first time. Maybe you don't remember exactly what your thoughts were, when it was, what was happening, but there's just a certain atmosphere pinned to it, that can never go away.
It kinda sucks when someone introduces you to a band or something and then you'll drift away from that person, and you'll feel like you can't like that band anymore because of them. It's just so disappointing when you really love someone, but then they leave you in the dust, and all you're left with are tears, emotions, and the memories. Sometimes if you love someone though, you have to let them go. Unrequited love is such a pain, but you never know, feelings change. You're probably better off without them anyways if they cared so little to leave in the first place.
I think the hardest part is trying to reinvent yourself after that person steps out of your life. It gets really difficult when the person has a huge impact on you and sort of took over your life. If you bought all the cds that person liked, then whenever you see them, you'll think of them. It seems like to get over them you have to get over everything you shared in common or that they introduced you to. You can never erase the memories. You can only move forward.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Just Getting Started: Color

Hello all!
This is my first blog post thing...I'm new to all of this, and I'm sure I'm already boring you!
Terribly sorry, anyhow, I thought today would be a good day to start a blog.
Why today?
Today is one of those days when you just freak out. You lose it. You think about all the things that bother you. It's a dark day, a dark time, even though it's brilliantly sunny out.
I don't like giving into dark thoughts, but it happens far too often.
I've said it time and time again, but starting today,things will be different.
Not even will be, things are different.

I know that even though things seem rough right now, I'm not alone. I'm not the only one who feels crappy and bothered by everything. As The Maine sing in their song "Color"  (which is sort of the song of the day for me): "Everyone feels broken sometimes."
It's a simple line, but a very true line. As I listened to the song, which I've posted above, which does have quite a nice video, I wish I knew how to make videos like that, all I could think about was how true the song was.
Some little messages the song gives to me are that sometimes you just have to tell yourself, yes, things are sucky, but you can't let them hold you down, or your whole life is going to be sucky. You just have to get over yourself and try to be happy. There are beautiful things in life, you just have to look for them. You need to stay constantly inspired. Ultimately life for all of us is a search for happiness. A lot of things don't seem fair, but we just have to accept that. You have to change things for yourself if you want your condition to improve. Life is all about taking action. Some people are going to treat you like dirt, but you might as well just be as polite as you can be to them. At least, maybe it'll tick them off. You have to be the best person you can be. Don't stoop to their level. One day you'll find someone who will see you for who you really are. Life won't just be fine anymore, it'll be great. Until then we might need to suffer through mediocrity, but we have to make the most of it. We need to put some color into our lives. We can paint whatever picture we want.

I do thank you for reading and hope that you'll read again!
Thoughts and comments are welcome!