tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54574446926390113772024-02-19T11:15:10.072-06:00Uncertain KnightLife is filled with uncertainty and questions. We're all in this battle together. Who and what will you fight for?Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.comBlogger105125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-25124383756238069522012-07-28T13:35:00.000-05:002012-07-28T13:35:09.625-05:00I don't even know, I don't wantI feel like crap and I don't really even know why. I guess I'm just sick of being yelled at by people. But then I'm sick of being left alone by others. I want to talk to people, but I've been so arrogant to think that they actually enjoy my presence, so now I'm stuck in loneliness since they're all sick of me. Maybe it's my own fault. I don't like who I am as a person, okay? But it's hard to change. I only want to talk to a few people, but the ironic thing is that they're all assholes. I keep living this life I don't enjoy. I never do anything.<br />
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I'm sick of poverty. I'm sick of mediocrity. I want a good job, I want to be a billionaire so frickin' bad, I wanna lived in a gated community and just stay there forever. But I'd feel guilty with all the money. And I wouldn't like my neighbors, they'd all be stuck-up and somehow more impressive than me. And I'm not even doing well with the opportunities I have right now, I'm a lazy bum, so it's highly unlikely that that will ever happen. But I'm sick of this suburban decay. Everything just keeps getting worse and worse. I need to get out of this town before it's too late. I'll be forced to see the same things everyday for the rest of my life. Making minimum wage. Meet some local guy I don't really love, but get married anyways. Send the kids to the school down the street. And they'll be trapped here forever too. Doesn't that just sound great? I don't want this. And I'm not even bad off. This is a good, clean town, yet I can't even handle it. So spoiled, but so deprived at the same time.Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-4483855579802927582012-07-22T21:59:00.003-05:002012-07-22T22:06:18.691-05:00Born again, brokenI don't really know what's going on. I feel like I've died but my ghost has been thrust back inside me. The life I've known has ended. Nothing else is beginning though. Or it doesn't seem to be. Everyone's turning their back on me and I don't have any idea why. I know I'm not that interesting, probably annoying, but if they put up with it for so long, why end it now? I'm sorry if I hold on too tight, alright? I'm sick of leeching onto people till I suck them dry and I'm forced to move onto the next person I see. I'm just gonna kill everyone this way. I need someone to pull me off them, detach my razor sharp teeth, see past my ugly nature, and embrace me. I'm not saying I deserve it. But that's what I'd like/need to happen for anything to start going right in my life.<br />
I've been doing a lot of reading this weekend about Anne Morrow Lindbergh. She says you have to be narcissistic to write. I find that slightly comforting. I'm definitely narcissistic. But when you think about it, it really is true. Who are you to tell someone else's story? What's so great about you to share your own story? Who do you think you are thinking that you have anything to offer the world?<br />
But anyways she wrote A LOT. Especially in her diary. I have one...sort of...but I rarely use it. Mainly because I have to dig it out from it's hidden location. And then it'll suck up a few hours of my day because there's always more on my mind than I ever realize, which is pretty scary. So I usually avoid it. I never want to write about "events" either like it seems you'd want to...I need to write most often on days when absolutely nothing is happening. That's when I lose it. I should probably write more, it always does make me feel better. I'm in a really crappy mood. I don't really know how to put it in words. I'm too lazy to get my diary out so I'm just typing here. It just seems like every feeling has already been felt, what's the point of even writing it out? But Anne made it all seem important the way she wrote everything. Maybe feelings do matter. I mean, I know they do, but...I wondered for a moment that if people ever just get used to sadness and somehow come to abhor happiness. But you can't define happiness can you? It's different to each person. Cookies may be joy to me but depression to someone else who finds lasagna heavenly and I find it disgusting. So their happiness would be my dismay and so forth...that's a weird example, but anyways...everyone hates sadness. You might learn how to cope, but it will always wear you down. I just can't understand people who proclaim that the world sucks and that they're always sad. Yeah, it's pretty much true, but they make it sound like they don't enjoy anything and that they have no hope. I've been depressed, I don't know if I've ever really recovered, but I always held onto something and wasn't proud of my sorrow.<br />
This weekend I started out in a bad mood and still am in one. I'm losing everyone close to me. I thought about my ex a lot. I think I was missing him...more missing certain aspects. It seems foolish looking back, but he did matter to me. I know that, but in a way I've forgotten. I erase specific pain from memory as to somehow comfort myself, but overall it stains memories, my entire life. I miss the innocence. I miss having him alone to care about. I miss talking...though I still to him. It's not the same, but it's easier right now. But it's not the same. There's an odd friendship. There's nothing, yet everything there. Two people who've never truly gotten to know each other, but that know each other better than anyone else. But that aren't willing to share anything overly personal. That can't ever see each other. That run out of things to say. But always come back to each other anyways. There are no romantic feelings anymore. But that's okay. I knew all along that we would just never be like that. But I wanted to think otherwise. I can't be so cruel to myself to ask why. It's so obvious. But now thinking about it, the chemistry was just all wrong...but now that it's over similarities keep coming. We grow more the same with each day. Yet my feelings fade more all the time. But I still miss him somehow.<br />
But now my thoughts shift to Scandy. I'm concerned for him, I really am. I want to say I love him, but it's not in a way I can really describe. I lust after him and I respect him as a person, I care about him dearly, but something is missing. I think his respect for me. His refusal to believe in a dream. I know it would never work out. And I've admitted that early on, which is good. But I'll never give up my dreams, the dreams he refuses to even give a chance. It's already sort of falling apart, but I don't know...maybe it's better that it happens earlier on that getting all attached and being even more heartbroken later. But I don't think of the same anymore lately.<br />
"Love" has disillusioned me. The "love" I know is an illusion. It's not real. I'm not so hateful to say it doesn't exist, but it doesn't in the ways everyone says it does. From my reading on Anne and just from different ideas and opinions I hear lately, I just don't believe in it, think of it the same way. I recall reading something like "marriage isn't just about love". And I'm beginning to believe it. And sex isn't the greatest thing in the world like society is making it seem. There's more to life. Not every love story is filled with white horses, beach getaways, and expensive dining. Not every prince is handsome or worthy of love. The same goes for the princesses. They're not all that special. Sometimes love just happens. You don't always choose. The why, where, when, it just happens. You can't go out looking for love. It has to come to you. I don't know exactly how it works, I'm just a dumb teenager. But I'm not going to search anymore. It's lead to too many dead-ends. I'm not saying it'll be easy. But I have to at least try. I might be lonely, but I'm not going to be desperate anymore. Focus on myself more. Right now there's very little to love about me. I need to fall in love with myself for a change instead of avoiding how much I hate myself and living off of the moments someone else sees something in me.<br />
Love is strange...my thoughts, my feelings...they're all changing.<br />
I'm alone and broken. For now. But I'll grow stronger.<br />
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<a href="http://ndesign-studio.com/portfolio/illustration/abstract-phoenix"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://ndesign-studio.com/portfolio/illustration/abstract-phoenix</span></a>
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Like I phoenix I've been reborn...I have new dreams, new aspirations. If I fall I might break some bones, but I will fly again. And if I should perish, well at least I can say I died trying.Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-61932561775802505502012-07-13T21:27:00.000-05:002012-07-14T11:09:57.750-05:00A turning point?It's strange. I feel like I've come to a turning point in my life. This morning I was literally awoken to a nightmare. Almost everything I hold dear was being threatened to be taken away from me. I spent the day agonizing over my punishment and what my life would become. I almost had breakdowns multiple times. I almost poured my heart out to someone who never gives me the chance to speak. I left for work feeling somewhat composed, but I soon became seriously depressed. I almost felt ill I was so sad. I've never really ever seriously considered suicide before, but I thought to myself "If I felt like I do right now everyday there's just no way I would be able to go one living" it wasn't that I wanted to think that or that I want to kill myself, it's just that that is seriously how bad I was feeling. That's how much this matters to me. The last few days have been sorta crazy. I've gone from falling in love yet again with the guy I thought I was over to weeping about being stuck in the friendzone, agonizing on how to get out of it, feeling like crap, begging anyone who would listen for advice, to yelling at him, and then to laughing it all off.<br />
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And then I meet him...my Scandy Dream. I already knew him, I just didn't <i>know</i> him.<br />
He's a simple type. He told me everything I'd ever wanted to hear within moments he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Obviously this isn't for real. But I wouldn't really mind. At this point I basically didn't know him at all. But when you're stuck in hopeless love marrying the first stranger who pays you a compliment doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I'm just crazy, but the thought was alright to me. Devoting your life to someone you neither love nor hate...it might not be so bad. Better than heartache, right? It's pretty sad, I know.<br />
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But this guy, he gets it. He gets it better than that stupid one-night-rave-date guy. I didn't think anyone would be able to top his smooth cheesy pick-up lines. You see, rave boy got it. He picked up right away. That light bulb in his simple dull little head lit up and said "A girl just asked me to dance. I'm a guy. I'm attracted to women. She's not totally ugly. This could be alright. I'm at a convention. She likes the same things as me! Score!"<br />
Maybe it's shallow, but at least he picked up quicker than any other guy thrown in my life. And that's what made me miss him. Someone had never complimented me so much in my life as he did in that one night. I didn't really even like him. But it didn't matter. Someone finally got it.<br />
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But Scandy as I'll call him, gets it. He gets it better than I think anyone ever will. He put the pieces together real fast. Maybe not as fast as Rave Boy, but he sees the picture much clearer. He's not just in this for one night.<br />
You know someone's special when you fit their type so perfectly they express desire to marry (when they hate the idea of marriage) within about 3 minutes of talking to you. I mean, I'd talked to him before but the conversation had just never sparked. But I think we've got it now.<br />
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An instant friendship and attraction was born. But it's not like one I've ever had before. It's a love I've never felt before.<br />
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<img alt="robot heart" height="320" src="http://i492.photobucket.com/albums/rr285/spreckis-pics/robot-1.jpg" width="227" />
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<a href="http://s492.photobucket.com/albums/rr285/spreckis-pics/?action=view&current=robot-1.jpg&newest=1"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://s492.photobucket.com/albums/rr285/spreckis-pics/?action=view&current=robot-1.jpg&newest=1</span></a>
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As it turns out he's totally my type. Broke, foreign, older than me, a metal head, a gamer, an otaku, witty, pervy, nationalistic, and creative. You'd think I'd fall head over heels in love with this discovery but for some reason I didn't. I was asking myself why I wasn't. Maybe it's because I'd been moaning hopelessly in love with my forever friendzoner. Maybe it's because I'm actually in love with my friendzoner...that's a crazy thought.<br />
But anyways, it was more just curiosity and admiration than anything.<br />
The first thing he told me was that he found me attractive. The last thing he told me was that I was beautiful, no lie, and that I better never forget it.<br />
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He made me want to smile. He made me want to love myself again. I didn't feel ashamed or self-conscious before him like I do before my Friendzoner. I felt like I owed to happiness to myself and him for making it possible for me. He saw something in me I couldn't see in myself.<br />
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<img height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwfneHSEvAuvF0OSXT3ZppSssgiDufrdRW6xWpR6uOMqsMvsS0K6jKN8glcN8k2lwyfMq6qElCvK2t_zVOMlX19FPRs-3IUQqotIWYzPM7pStfh4GcuERguCiYXxRlfXDlOKlPpoJBGHM/s760/little-girl-smiling.jpg" width="256" />
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He greets me today, telling me I'm beautiful.<br />
As it turns out we're both stuck in the friendzone. It's an odd concept...two people in love with people they can't have, coming together to share an odd friendship/attraction. I don't think there's a word for what we have. It's not bad though...<br />
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<a href="http://www.ehow.com/info_8056303_ideas-win-him-back.html"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://www.ehow.com/info_8056303_ideas-win-him-back.html</span></a>
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Today was a reality check.<br />
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Today I'm changing my outlook.</div>
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I'm not going to spend my life dreaming up dreams that'll never come true.<br />
I'm not going to lie to myself any longer.<br />
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<img height="266" src="http://th07.deviantart.com/fs27/300W/i/2008/176/0/5/Broken_by_ArmyBrat1521.jpg" width="400" />
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<a href="http://thaleia.wordpress.com/2009/05/25/shattered-mirror/"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://thaleia.wordpress.com/2009/05/25/shattered-mirror/</span></a>
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If I'm here and they're there, it's not gonna work.<br />
If I'm this age and he's that age, it's not gonna work out.<br />
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It's sad but it's true.<br />
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I'm not going to make a fool of myself though.<br />
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I don't know what love is.<br />
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I'm gonna stop pretending I do.<br />
My feelings change with each passing day.<br />
I'm not gonna pressure myself to fall in love.<br />
I'm not gonna question myself.<br />
I'm gonna let what happens happen.<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a href="http://banksystreetart.tumblr.com/post/414398636/allnewscene-reaching-for-or-letting-go-of">http://banksystreetart.tumblr.com/post/414398636/allnewscene-reaching-for-or-letting-go-of</a>
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My life still may end, but I'm just gonna have to roll with it and make do with whatever's left. But I'll be happy while I can.<br />
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I'm not gonna live for them anymore.<br />
I'm gonna give them space.<br />
I'm gonna keep them close, but comfortable.<br />
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I don't know how I feel about Scandy exactly. But there's no way he'll be interested in me since he sees everything so clearly. And I just have to accept that. We can be friends...plus more, but less than what society thinks. We can support each other and joke around to keep each other smiling. It doesn't have to make sense. It just has to be.Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-18432263556151051962012-07-13T11:59:00.003-05:002012-07-13T11:59:59.062-05:00My online lifeI talk to people online all day, okay? It's been this way for years. It's how I spend my down time. I'm antisocial, don't have many friends, so I like to have some when I get home, you know? They either build me up or break me down, it's true. I get too attached. They live in different countries and are different ages. I don't need to be preached internet safety. I know what's safe and what's not. I know you shouldn't trust everyone, but after months of getting to know people and if they don't creep you out at all, you should probably be able to trust them. I'm not someone who's quick to trust. I take my time because I've been broken far too many times. It's true I fall easily. But this is my life. I fall time and time again, maybe I'll finally learn someday. These people are real to me. I spend half my day at least talking to them. Don't tell me they're not real. Just because you haven't met them doesn't mean that they're bad, they're creepers, they only want my body. Guess what, they live thousands of miles away! They're never gonna get anything! We're just friends! Why is it so hard to believe that two people who've never met, who may never, can be friends without being assumed that they're 50 year old perverts out to rape each other? Yeah, there are some sketchy people on the internet. That's true. I avoid them when I can. But these people, my friends, are not those people. I know them. Sometimes you're more of yourself in words than you appear to be in real life. Why do you have to take these dear people away from me? Why is it so hard to believe that someone else finds me intriguing and beautiful? Why does the age and location have to matter? You'd be fine if it was someone from school. But you don't know them. I know these people more than I'll ever know them. Maybe they'll break my heart, leave me someday. Maybe they'll ruin my life. I don't really know. But right now they basically are my life. I know it's not really healthy, that I should depend on myself, but I am weak and they make me feel stronger. Everyone needs someone. They are my someone. I know you're just trying to protect me, but seriously back the freak off. This is MY life. Maybe you're a part of it, but so are they. Maybe not in the same way. But they still are. You can't just take them away. I'll remember them forever. They're a part of me. Maybe I need this right now. You don't know what I've gone through. Maybe it's selfish, but let me have them. I'm not trying to spite anyone. This about me and only me. I'm not trying to lie or be dishonest. I'm just trying to survive.Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-60485585116853968272012-06-21T22:21:00.000-05:002012-06-21T22:21:11.834-05:00PotentialI feel like a freaking loser. I've done nothing with my life. I'm not that great at anything, but I never really try. I feel like I have this potential, but I'm just too lazy to use it. I need something to awaken me...I've known I've been wasting my life my entire life, but when will I finally wake up?!Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-37683185540866192712012-06-18T19:18:00.001-05:002012-06-18T19:18:21.228-05:00What does it matter?All I can think about as tears form in my eyes is that I love you and that you're probably never going to love me. I don't know why, but I'm angry at you. I'm angry knowing that you'll never love me. I'm angry that you ever made me fall in love, to put me through this again, for leading me on as much as you have. I can't blame you for everything, no I can't. But why does this have to happen to me again? Why do we have to have an age? Why are we being assigned numbers? Who decided airline fares and how far hearts can travel? I know it hasn't been long, but I love you. Maybe not for long, maybe not forever, but right now I want you to be mine.<br />
I wanna tell you how I feel, but I think you already know, so why ruin the show? I don't know if you even did love me if you'd ever have the guts to say it though. I'm sure I'll tell you someday if you don't. Maybe it'll end it all, but at least I'll finally get it off my chest. I just hate going into something knowing that I'll fail, that I'll end up alone, without you.<br />
We can lie and say we'll be friends, but it never works that way. It's all or nothing, baby you and I. Yeah, that's from that one song by that one band. Yeah, it is, alright? Every song reminds me of you. I don't know what this is, this sick obsession with you. You're such an idiot, such a loser, just like he was, but that's why I love you. Maybe I'm not over him yet and I'm just making all the same mistakes. But you suck even more. This whole situation sucks a <i>whole</i> lot more!<br />
But what am I to do? I know it's not going to work out anyway. Why make it last any longer than it has to? Then it'll just be more painful anyways. But I'm afraid that maybe it's just too soon, maybe you'll warm up to me some more. You told that one girl that I'm your good friend. But that's not enough for me. Are you being modest, or is that all I am? Can you handle losing me? I'm sure you can.<br />
But then I get thinking, if I'm just some friend why do you send me hearts, saying you miss me? Sure Internet culture, sarcasm, whatever. Maybe it's bull s***, maybe it's not. I'm just pissed off right now. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, depending on you and when you decide to go to sleep. You're not much to look forward. We hardly even say anything. You don't really care. You never give me clear answers. You're ridiculous. Why the freak do I waste my time on you?<br />
But it's not going to work out anyways, so what does it matter?Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-25130385645597158762012-06-17T16:36:00.001-05:002012-06-17T16:36:39.378-05:00Maybe...Hey, maybe this is sentimental, but...<br />
just a week or two ago you were in love with me and we were best friends and had everything in common. You wanted to talk to me every second of the day. Now you don't even bother. It seems like I've somehow become a nuisance...why is it that ever since I left and came back, I've seemed to have lost all my friends? I told you all I would be gone...why are you all acting like you don't like me anymore? You still say you love me, but I know you're just saying it. Maybe it's best you move on from me since I can never love you like you hope and deserve. But you said we would always be friends. Now I'm acting like a fool trying to get your attention and you're playing the older and cooler one, bored with everything. You used to be fun and crazy. Where did you go? Where did I go? Where did everything go? I didn't even want to go on that trip...Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-15441874648876828802012-05-21T22:11:00.000-05:002012-05-21T22:11:45.328-05:00Hi.Hi. I just need to say that it's over, as you might have already guessed. You're probably sick of me bringing it up, so I'm just going to end it here. It's not that you're a bad person. You're not. But you're not good for me. You're dealing with problems, and so am I. It's too bad we couldn't help each other more. It seems you created quite a few problems for me, but you left me alone to suffer. And now without you I've found all of my own struggles, how many there are even without you. You were only adding problems to cover up the real ones. The moment of happiness wasn't worth the year of pain. I've learned a lot. I've grown up. I don't know what's going to happen. But what I know is that it's over and that I won't be coming back. It was a lot better in theory than it ever was or is going to be in reality.<br />
Farewell.Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-25165312637342922842012-05-21T18:44:00.002-05:002012-05-21T18:45:15.291-05:00I want to know whyI want to know why I always fall for the same kind of guys.<br />
They don't even have to try. I fall for them anyways.<br />
They don't have to even like me or pay any attention to me. I love them anyways.<br />
They're not really even nice. There's nothing to really like about them, but for some reason I like them.<br />
Why?<br />
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<img src="http://allwomenstalk.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/8-things-that-may-be-on-your-guys-wish-list/a-new-computer_8-things-that-may-be-on-your-guys-wish-list.jpg" />
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<a href="http://allwomenstalk.com/8-things-that-may-be-on-your-guys-wish-list/"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://allwomenstalk.com/8-things-that-may-be-on-your-guys-wish-list/</span></a>
</div>Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-49770002242016391272012-05-19T22:42:00.002-05:002012-05-19T22:42:20.448-05:00RidiculousThis is ridiculous.<br />
I'm beautiful. The world is stupid. My happiness depends on no one but myself and my actions. I won't feel ashamed of what I love and enjoy. I am who I am. I might be alone sometimes, I may not live a glamorous life, but it's my life. It's time I start enjoying it and stop caring what anyone else thinks.Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-8886656644995945742012-05-06T21:06:00.003-05:002012-05-06T21:06:40.474-05:00LonelyI've been feeling pretty lonely lately. I keep thinking how I'll just have to get used to that. But the truth is, I've been lonely with you for months. What difference will being alone without you make? At least then I'll be free.Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-21481214618259256192012-05-01T18:34:00.000-05:002012-05-01T18:34:03.864-05:00That PointThat point when I just don't care anymore.<br />
That point when you don't consume my mind.<br />
That point when I think of happiness, I don't think of you.<br />
That point when I think of love, I don't think of you.<br />
I think I'm at, or reaching that point.<br />
And it feels just fine.<br />
<br />Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-9847521616960142362012-04-28T20:27:00.000-05:002012-04-28T20:27:27.077-05:00Options<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.familyresource.com/img/couples-can-learn-to-fight-.jpg" />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.familyresource.com/relationships/conflict-and-anger/couples-can-learn-to-fight-fair"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://www.familyresource.com/relationships/conflict-and-anger/couples-can-learn-to-fight-fair</span></a>
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Okay, I'm getting pretty pissed off. Lately my options in life are to get really depressed about everything or to simply ignore it all.<br />
I'm not saying everything in my life sucks. I've got it a lot better than a lot of people. But this stupid guy keeps messing with my head. And it's not just any guy. It's the guy who my world's practically revolved around, and's been making me crazy, for over a year now.<br />
I should be happy, I've got a guy who cares about me, right?<br />
I'm not happy though.<br />
When I'm talking to him I just get pissed off. Everything he says conflicts.<i> Everybody's selfish. No body's worth any effort.</i> WELL apparently I'm not worth it then either. Yet he has the nerve to say he misses me. Then I tell him that if I do this and he can do this, we can get together. But no. That requires<u> effort.</u> So he'll just keep on missing me.<br />
I just want to scream at him! But what good would it do? He's an idiot and I know it.<br />
He's a hypocrite. He's the one being <i>selfish</i>. It doesn't cross his mind that he might mean a helluva lot to me and that maybe I need to see him to maintain my sanity.<br />
But no, he'd never realize that.<br />
And then the stupid thing is the last time I saw him he didn't even care to be around me. He actually ditched me. We'd been talking about it for weeks, months, yet when I'm there, like he's been wishing for, I'm not good enough or something. I never have been.<br />
I just don't understand why we keep lying to ourselves. It's not like this is easy in anyway. It's just stressing me out. And it's not like I'm doing him any good either. It's not like he lets me help him.<br />
We're both just basket cases.<br />
But he's one that needs space, and I'm one that needs to be consoled every second.<br />
So yeah, it doesn't really work out. At all.<br />
I'm just tired of letting this control my life. He's supposed to make me happy and help me and want to be with me and all these things. But he really doesn't care at all. So I should just leave him.<br />
But I can't.<br />
I'm floating in limbo here. Miles apart in a world of theory.<br />
This whole thing is incredibly real to me, but also incredibly fake.<br />
We're just dirty little secrets. Guilty pleasures.<br />
And I hate it.<br />
I hate feeling like my life depends on him. I hate that when I talk to him I only get mad. I hate feeling lonely because he's not talking to me. I hate talking to other people and realizing that I'm talking to them because he's not talking to me. I hate even when I feel "happy" because lately I only feel happy when I'm telling myself that I don't need him. I hate just living with this.<br />
<br />
<br />Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-76235836941109563792012-04-22T17:51:00.000-05:002012-04-22T17:55:04.978-05:00Take a Deep Breath and Say GoodbyeUgh...*dramatic sigh* I just can't take this any longer. It's been going on for about a year now: me loving you, you acting like you might. Even though we've both admitted it since then, you treat me worse than ever. Have you lost your love for me? I hate blaming you when I know there's so much going wrong in your life, but you're putting me through hell. You said you'd wait for me. You're not doing anything to stay with me. I don't know if you're being this lazy because you think I'll just take it, or what. Maybe I'm high maintenance, but I really don't think I'm asking for much. I'm asking for you to be honest with me: to not lie. I'm asking you to be open with me: not acting, but actually being yourself. I'm asking you to care: talk more than 5 minutes a week. I really don't think I'm asking for much. And I hate blaming myself for all of your mistakes. I'm beautiful, and you don't appreciate me. You'll never find another me. Why don't you treasure me? You're wasting not only my time, but your own. I think we're both in this state where we're both so ugly and depressed that no one else wants us, but sorrow can't keep us together. You've given into yours, and I'm still dreaming of you finding happiness in me. But I'm not enough. That's the sad part. I'm not enough for you. And you're not enough for me.<br />
<br />
If there was a way that I could make you know what I've been feeling this past year, I'd make you feel it. But I'm shy and slightly in awe of you, as stupid not only as it sounds, but as it is. We're both in this odd trance around each other. We don't want to disappoint. No. There I go again, giving you too much credit.<br />
It's never gonna work out between you and me.<br />
<br />
So why can't I just let go? Yeah, I'll be all alone. But we were friends before all this. We're some of each other's best friends. Want to know why I'm yours? I put up with your crap. That's the only reason why. That's the sad part.<br />
<br />
I need to just lock the door and never look back. But I keep wanting to give you another chance. It seems we're just getting to know each other after nearing 4 years. We're 7/8 under the surface. There's so much we could've done, but you've just been such a coward. I was going to say that that's our problem, we're cowards, but no. This is really your fault, not mine.Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-90842593130286610692012-04-16T19:58:00.000-05:002012-04-16T19:58:29.566-05:00Demasiado TiempoI spend far too much everyday wondering what people think of me, imagining what people think of me. It's just such a waste of time! People are going to think what they're going to think, I can't stop them! All the time I spend staring in the mirror...it doesn't really matter. Who am I trying to impress anyway? Why are we so concerned what others think? I don't want to be like everyone else, but I want to be accepted.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://piecesofmeblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/woman-low-self-esteem.png" />
<br />
<a href="http://piecesofmeblog.com/"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://piecesofmeblog.com/</span></a>Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-8544410232234766232012-04-15T12:39:00.001-05:002012-04-15T12:40:52.210-05:00Simply a high society world I can never understand because I was never born into, but somehow thrown into. That's why I'm an outcast.But even now I know it's just an excuse. But it's a fairly legit excuse...Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-88443972249648392302012-04-14T22:34:00.003-05:002012-04-14T22:36:37.285-05:00MeticulousSo I'm really tired and stressed out. Our midtri project for web page design is coming up. Our instructor's been gone and he didn't tell us when it's due. I'm pretty sure it won't be due for days if not a week, but because I'm me I'm just finishing it for Monday. I've already spent pretty much the entire day working on it, all of Friday night, and even Thursday too. I don't even want to think about how much work I've put into it. I've even started over. I've changed everything a million times. And it's not even done yet. There's a lot of things I still need to add. But there's things we haven't even learned yet that we need to incorporate. So obviously it can't be due Monday...but what if it is? So I'll be like done on Monday and no one else will be and that's just lame. Just typical me. I have to say, I'm proud of my work though. I taught myself a lot of stuff this weekend and it actually looks pretty professional. But I've just spent so much dang time on it and I know it's just an assignment, that no one else is going to spent the amount of time I have. But I really like designing web pages and I want to do my best. Why is that such a bad thing? Why am I so stressed out?! Ugh! I guess I just feel like I've wasted a ton of time that I could've been working on my novel during or doing my homework that I actually know when it's due. Ughhhh, I create my own problems. I'm so stupid!<br />
I feel like I need to get away from my computer. But I practically live on my computer. I need to get away from this stupid project that's consuming my life. But I live on my computer.<br />
I mean, I did go on a walk, but that only takes up a little chunk of time. I've practiced guitar already. I watched an hour of anime. I've gone on my usual websites. I worked a bit on my novel. I did everything I would've wanted to do today really, but I just spent so much time on that stupid project...I really don't know what my problem is at this point. I wish I had more time this weekend, but I've had a pretty full day. But it feels empty for some reason. It's just been a terrible week. I've lost it a few times. I'm realllllllyyyyy stressed about everything. Maybe it's better to be stressed out about projects than other things. But I've just been freaking out all week and it's been terrible. Probably one of the worst weeks better. Friday was better until I began obsessing over this project. I'm not as stressed about other things, now I'm more stressed about this project. But I'm still stressed about the other things.<br />
I'm rambling.<br />
I know.<br />
I need to get rid of this stress though! I've been so stressed I haven't even been all that ticked off at the person I usually spend at least 50% of my energy worrying about, missing, hating, and what not. It's been an odd lonely week. I've spent in wallowing in stress. It's been awful. I just have to say that.<br />
<br />
<img height="265" src="https://encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSlLJCdn0bEiKJ5SdGYwxpU0knRfN61Iyj3uWeVLJIwKAT4LSqm" width="400" />
<br />
<a href="http://antiworldnews.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/the-brain-6-lessons-for-handling-stress/"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://antiworldnews.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/the-brain-6-lessons-for-handling-stress/</span></a>Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-51503021979301097462012-04-12T21:23:00.001-05:002012-04-15T13:18:43.830-05:00More of the WorstMore of the Worst by Playradioplay!<br />
(It's just that kind of day)<br />
But seriously, his music always fits what I'm going through. He's my favorite musician. This is the song that fits me today. I'm pretty stressed out, but his music always calms me. It always strikes just the right balance. Dan, you'll never know how much I appreciate your music. Thanks. I mean it.<br />
<br />
"<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Prices and tooth decay</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">It doesn't even matter every single day</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Disturbing the frequencies</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">While sailing the seven seas</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Oh oh oh...</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Listen and you might hear</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">A sudden cease of laughter</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">No smile from ear to ear</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Distorting the spectral waves</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Liscenses and bills to pay</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Oh oh oh...</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Rebound and consequence</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Braces and the money spent</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Concerts and gravity</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Reports on tendencies</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Oh oh oh...</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Watchdogs, electric fence</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Private school and money spent</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Oh boy I've been told</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">When I grow old</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">I'll be alone</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">But you must agree.</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">'Cause it's too late</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">And you can't win</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">One full year</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">There's still more</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Secret lies and tour whores</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">I won't sit still, oh no.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">She fits in so well.</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #35456e; color: red; font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;">Unaware of what you've done</span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;">"</span></span><span style="font-family: tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><br /></span></span><br />
<img height="265" src="https://encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQxru-Rxu2ytvuBhNXyWhSoiZz9qcyPCwafXS6KSyunaG4lQrCs" width="400" />
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<a href="http://drivebymedia.wordpress.com/2008/02/07/playradioplay-new-album-texas/"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://drivebymedia.wordpress.com/2008/02/07/playradioplay-new-album-texas/</span></a>
</div>Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-7410082772974896162012-04-11T20:16:00.003-05:002012-04-11T20:17:46.081-05:00These Doomed ConversationsI'm sick of these doomed conversations.<br />
I know you're not going to talk to me today.<br />
You talked to me yesterday.<br />
Never could it happen two days in a row.<br />
Maybe in one more day you'll talk to me, but I really doubt it.<br />
Within the next five days for sure though.<br />
Then you might start to miss me.<br />
<br />
<br />
I hate this. I want to talk to you so badly all the time. I'd do almost absolutely anything for you. I love you so much. But then a lot of the time I think about how much I hate you, how much pain you cause me, how much I put up with for you, and you have no idea. I doubt you feel the same about me, but then you always make me feel like the bad guy when I say this isn't working out. You don't want to lose me.<br />
You talk to me almost on a schedule, days spread apart. It's like something to check of your to-do list. I'm sick of it! I look forward to hearing from you so much, but it only ends in disappointment. It's a crappy conversation. I know it is. And I know I'll want to cry over it the minute it's over and all of the next days to come.<br />
Why do we even do this?<br />
<br />
<img height="400" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTlc974P2icFgCcLSrfgvCZeNH07kLl8CbNs_pLVF6scQPGbJWn" width="372" /><br />
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/theodoraa/5869342304/"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://www.flickr.com/photos/theodoraa/5869342304/</span></a>Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-14088985833284018042012-04-11T18:08:00.000-05:002012-04-11T18:08:03.516-05:00People SuckPeople majorly suck. But you can't give them the satisfaction of falling into depression because of them. You have to be strong and smile, even if it's just to piss them off.<br />
<img height="640" src="https://encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQlR-xTezRrlPNdqPMjMEndjpMYVPQHyMolGjRoEa1rL6cU3plxgw" width="411" />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://msmagazine.com/blog/blog/2011/11/14/to-get-hate-speech-off-campus-cal-state-students-wield-title-ix/mean-people-suck/"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://msmagazine.com/blog/blog/2011/11/14/to-get-hate-speech-off-campus-cal-state-students-wield-title-ix/mean-people-suck/</span></a>Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-40900950258361299642012-04-10T20:25:00.002-05:002012-04-10T20:26:50.297-05:00For MyselfSometimes you just need to do things for yourself.<br />
So I wrote a poem, I poured out my heart, how I was feeling and I put it online. No one seemed to even read it. I mean, that's kinda disheartening, I really wanted people to read it and be like "Hey, you're right!"<br />
It was an uplifting poem. I don't write those everyday.<br />
It was actually good. Not that usual crap.<br />
But whatever.<br />
I needed to write it for myself.<br />
I needed to put it out there. To take that chance.<br />
It was about people caring, just not being able to show it.<br />
They care. They just don't know how to show it.<br />
I'll love them anyways. The world is a sad, confused, place. Right now I'll just have it out there for myself and for anyone else who might read it and benefit from it, but remain silent because of all our social tendencies and cliques.<br />
<br />
It's sorta like blogging.<br />
You do it for yourself.<br />
You can't do it for the numbers.<br />
They won't come.<br />
They just won't.<br />
So do it for yourself.<br />
<br />
<br />
<img src="http://www.thelifeblast.com/images/life%20blast%20smiling%20girl.jpg" />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thelifeblast.com/payment.html"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://www.thelifeblast.com/payment.html</span></a>Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-7722136413896155412012-04-10T18:39:00.002-05:002012-04-10T18:43:24.107-05:00I AM A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH GOD<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="line-height: 14px;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="line-height: 14px;">The devil cannot defeat me!</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="line-height: 14px;">People cannot disillusion me!</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="line-height: 14px;">Weather cannot weary me!</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="line-height: 14px;">Sickness cannot stop me!</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="line-height: 14px;">Money cannot buy me!</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="line-height: 14px;">Governments cannot silence me!</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="line-height: 14px;">And hell cannot handle me!</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 14px;">I AM A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH GOD!</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 14px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 14px;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;">-the Bible presented by United Bible Societies</span></span></div>
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;"><img height="316" src="http://www.myfatherschild.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/gods-hands-holding-child1.jpg" width="400" /></span><br />
<a href="http://www.myfatherschild.net/" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;">http://www.myfatherschild.net/</a>
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<br />Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-17249161567766371452012-03-20T21:45:00.004-05:002012-03-20T21:50:31.680-05:00An Ode to Abandonment<div style="text-align: center;"><img height="272" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQNK0LysBD5G6buak7IqcVAgIL1vypGc-b_ppW69XBO4B_ujOikng" width="400" /> </div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a href="http://valioza.deviantart.com/">http://valioza.deviantart.com/</a> </span></div><br />
It's not even that I'm alone. It's not even that you've abandoned me.<br />
That gets me thinking, what exactly does abandon mean?<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">...........</div><span style="font-size: large;"><span id="hotword" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: verdana; position: static; text-align: left;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default; position: static;">to</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">leave</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default; position: static;">completely</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">and</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">finally;</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">forsake</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">utterly;</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static;">desert</span></span></span><br />
<br />
Well, that just makes me sound really over dramatic. I last spoke to you 3 or 4 days ago. It's really not that long. It really isn't. I realize that. But I think about you what seems every second of the day. When I wake up you're one of the first things on my mind. I ask myself why I'm alive, what my motivation is, and then I become hopeful -- I have you. Maybe today you'll decide you want to talk to me. Maybe I'll feel loved for a moment.<br />
<br />
I'm reading the Great Gatsby and I was watching a video about how the person thought that basically every main character is terribly hopeful. I'm terribly hopeful. Hopeful in a bad way. Like Gatsby, I'm putting all my bets on you. And I know you won't live up to my expectations. I know that. You've already failed me so many times. But I can't just give up on you. You're my "incarnated" dream. You're what I've set my sights on.<br />
<br />
I've often thought of breaking off whatever I have with you. I feel like you speak to me once or twice a week out of obligation. Like I'm some annoying pet or something. I'm that kid you gave birth to but never wanted, but you have to take care of you. I'm that kid you leave at home when you go to work and you feel bad so you buy me an expensive gift. Except that it's not like that at all.<br />
I just feel like I'm this annoyance. Like you loved me once, but you don't anymore. I was your best friend, once. But not anymore. But you can't let go of someone you used to love, someone who used to be your best friend, can you? Can you ever go back to being friends after falling in love? Was it, is it even love?<br />
<br />
I want you to talk to me because you want to talk to me, not because you feel obligated to. I want to feel comfortable about you. I want to stop turning you into some god that you're not. That's just the thing, I see all your flaws, yet I hold you both so high above and so low below myself. We're just not on the same level, except that we are...<br />
<br />
I want to be myself around you. I want to say whatever's on my mind. I want you to show interest. I want you to care. But maybe that's too much to ask.<br />
<br />
I want to tell you exactly what I'm feeling toward you. I want to do it without you making excuses and apologizing. I want to do it without feeling embarrassed or foolish.<br />
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I want to be able to point out what's wrong without fearing that I'll lose it all.<br />
<br />
I'm sick of asking how you are and you never asking me. I'm sick of you just leaving mid-conversation.<br />
<br />
I'm sick of living like I can't live without you when I'm never even with you.<br />
<br />
I don't want to feel like I have to make things right, like I have to please you, like I have to be perfect for you.<br />
<br />
I don't want our existence to be defined by the few hours we spend together every few months. I don't want to build up to those events just for me to fall out of love when we're together and to fall back in love and blame myself as soon as you leave.<br />
<br />
This just isn't working, but I feel like I can't speak up now. I need to see you. I need to be with you. I'm needy. If you leave me alone for 10 minutes I assume you've left me. Imagine what 4 days is like. By now I assume that you hate me, that I said something wrong, that you never loved me, that none of this has ever been real.Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-52005385401874143032012-03-19T20:29:00.000-05:002012-03-19T20:29:35.193-05:00I find it funnyI find it funny how a few years ago when I first got a Facebook that no one, absolutely no one liked or commented on any of my things, for years. Mainly because I was a confused angsty child who couldn't pull of emo...or anything else for that matter. Sure, I'd comment stupid things on other people's stuff, but they'd never comment on mine. In their defense, I was silly...it's actually really embarrassing. I've since tried to be more cautious of how much of my stupidity I share with the world. It's actually sad though how a minute after I put something up I'll feel like it was stupid. I just don't know how to say anything without sounding stupid...I find it amazing that I actually made a few friends online though haha. I have no idea how people could have taken me seriously. But a few did. It's crazy to think of how much I've grown up in the past few years. You can really see that through writing. Every day I mature a little bit.<br />
Now lots of people like and comment on my stuff. It actually blows my mind. All these people that I'm not necessarily friends with, that I don't comment or like any of their stuff. It's like the tables have turned. It's crazy. People have decided to be nice and I've turned cold. It's the irony of my life.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><img height="248" src="https://encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQJpQ4Vu748Q4inIUCNETg-ZYAAJ1CwEyG-Fxf8m1mICehRT5qV" width="400" /> </div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a href="http://www.lindsayblogs.com/2011/08/12/baby-growing/">http://www.lindsayblogs.com/2011/08/12/baby-growing/</a> </span></div>Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5457444692639011377.post-66348191334557419882012-03-10T17:58:00.004-06:002012-03-10T18:01:22.345-06:00Messed Up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img height="217" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRJZHgvH73cLvbpaQ3vHEBxo0yih9RWzjszid7bBGRoOiyUgqqk" style="text-align: center;" width="400" /> </div><br />
Everything's messed up today. So I went to a speech meet today in the town I went to school as a child in. That town is my least favorite place in the world. It really is. It's only a few miles away, but I can't stand it. It's ugly, the houses are small, the people in it are mean. It just brings back bad memories. I feel bad hating everyone in the town though, just because a few people in that town treated me like crap.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Me and people these days...our relationship isn't normal. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm tired of starting conversations for them to just end. I don't text anyone or chat anyone anymore. I'm so afraid of saying goodbye that I can't say hello. I don't know what to talk about. Somehow I've cut myself off from the world. No one wants to talk to me.<br />
<br />
I want to talk to the boy I love. But I always wait for him to talk to me. I don't want to bother him. If he wanted to talk to me, he would, right? But I always want to talk to him. I understand that most of our conversations lately aren't very interesting. I don't really even know why we talk. It doesn't lead to anything. But I love talking to him more than anything. I spend so much time wishing that I was talking to him, and then when I am...I just am. I don't understand it.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div>I think it's silly that I spend so much time worrying about what he'll think of me, what to say, when he should just love me for me. I should just be myself. I feel like he doesn't know the real me, but I don't know how he's ever going to see it. He's known the fake me for so long.<br />
<br />
Conversation, relationships, friendships...today they all just seem pointless. I don't like thinking this way. I really don't. But it's just how I feel today. As I sat listening to other people's "poems", I didn't even try to listen. I didn't have the motivation, the ability to care. I stopped trying. I gave up. I don't like giving up. I really don't.<br />
<br />
This one guy that I've seen around before, one who looks like a favorite celebrity of mine was there today. I'd like nothing more than to go up to him and tell him that he's one of the handsomest men I've ever seen and that he's perfect. But what would happen after that? I already have my guy. It would be creepy. He doesn't know me. There's all these people I come to fancy so much, but I never say anything to them because they're so out of my league, I fear the rejection. But I mean, it would be weird to just go up to someone and say they're hot and walk away. I'd like to be able to do that, but what good would it do?<br />
I just don't know anything today.<br />
<br />
It's gorgeous out. It's warm and sunny. It's so nice...<br />
<br />
This year is inching and flying by. It's been over two months since I've seen him. It feels so much longer. What have I done this year? I haven't talked to anyone. I was in that stupid play...I've gone to classes and come home. I wrote a book. I wrote a few short stories. I feel like I haven't done anything though. This year feels so boring. Last year I created all these memories that I look back on. There's nothing to look back on this year. I've kept to myself, and it hasn't been any fun at all. As much as I don't want to admit it, I need other people.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><br />
</div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://vimeo.com/28736362"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://vimeo.com/28736362</span></a> </div>Magdalenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232832264621588513noreply@blogger.com0