I'm not saying everything in my life sucks. I've got it a lot better than a lot of people. But this stupid guy keeps messing with my head. And it's not just any guy. It's the guy who my world's practically revolved around, and's been making me crazy, for over a year now.
I should be happy, I've got a guy who cares about me, right?
I'm not happy though.
When I'm talking to him I just get pissed off. Everything he says conflicts. Everybody's selfish. No body's worth any effort. WELL apparently I'm not worth it then either. Yet he has the nerve to say he misses me. Then I tell him that if I do this and he can do this, we can get together. But no. That requires effort. So he'll just keep on missing me.
I just want to scream at him! But what good would it do? He's an idiot and I know it.
He's a hypocrite. He's the one being selfish. It doesn't cross his mind that he might mean a helluva lot to me and that maybe I need to see him to maintain my sanity.
But no, he'd never realize that.
And then the stupid thing is the last time I saw him he didn't even care to be around me. He actually ditched me. We'd been talking about it for weeks, months, yet when I'm there, like he's been wishing for, I'm not good enough or something. I never have been.
I just don't understand why we keep lying to ourselves. It's not like this is easy in anyway. It's just stressing me out. And it's not like I'm doing him any good either. It's not like he lets me help him.
We're both just basket cases.
But he's one that needs space, and I'm one that needs to be consoled every second.
So yeah, it doesn't really work out. At all.
I'm just tired of letting this control my life. He's supposed to make me happy and help me and want to be with me and all these things. But he really doesn't care at all. So I should just leave him.
But I can't.
I'm floating in limbo here. Miles apart in a world of theory.
This whole thing is incredibly real to me, but also incredibly fake.
We're just dirty little secrets. Guilty pleasures.
And I hate it.
I hate feeling like my life depends on him. I hate that when I talk to him I only get mad. I hate feeling lonely because he's not talking to me. I hate talking to other people and realizing that I'm talking to them because he's not talking to me. I hate even when I feel "happy" because lately I only feel happy when I'm telling myself that I don't need him. I hate just living with this.