Saturday, April 28, 2012


Okay, I'm getting pretty pissed off. Lately my options in life are to get really depressed about everything or to simply ignore it all.
I'm not saying everything in my life sucks. I've got it a lot better than a lot of people. But this stupid guy keeps messing with my head. And it's not just any guy. It's the guy who my world's practically revolved around, and's been making me crazy, for over a year now.
I should be happy, I've got a guy who cares about me, right?
I'm not happy though.
When I'm talking to him I just get pissed off. Everything he says conflicts. Everybody's selfish. No body's worth any effort. WELL apparently I'm not worth it then either. Yet he has the nerve to say he misses me. Then I tell him that if I do this and he can do this, we can get together. But no. That requires effort. So he'll just keep on missing me.
I just want to scream at him! But what good would it do? He's an idiot and I know it.
He's a hypocrite. He's the one being selfish. It doesn't cross his mind that he might mean a helluva lot to me and that maybe I need to see him to maintain my sanity.
But no, he'd never realize that.
And then the stupid thing is the last time I saw him he didn't even care to be around me. He actually ditched me. We'd been talking about it for weeks, months, yet when I'm there, like he's been wishing for, I'm not good enough or something. I never have been.
I just don't understand why we keep lying to ourselves. It's not like this is easy in anyway. It's just stressing me out. And it's not like I'm doing him any good either. It's not like he lets me help him.
We're both just basket cases.
But he's one that needs space, and I'm one that needs to be consoled every second.
So yeah, it doesn't really work out. At all.
I'm just tired of letting this control my life. He's supposed to make me happy and help me and want to be with me and all these things. But he really doesn't care at all. So I should just leave him.
But I can't.
I'm floating in limbo here. Miles apart in a world of theory.
This whole thing is incredibly real to me, but also incredibly fake.
We're just dirty little secrets. Guilty pleasures.
And I hate it.
I hate feeling like my life depends on him. I hate that when I talk to him I only get mad. I hate feeling lonely because he's not talking to me. I hate talking to other people and realizing that I'm talking to them because he's not talking to me. I hate even when I feel "happy" because lately I only feel happy when I'm telling myself that I don't need him. I hate just living with this.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Take a Deep Breath and Say Goodbye

Ugh...*dramatic sigh* I just can't take this any longer. It's been going on for about a year now: me loving you, you acting like you might. Even though we've both admitted it since then, you treat me worse than ever. Have you lost your love for me? I hate blaming you when I know there's so much going wrong in your life, but you're putting me through hell. You said you'd wait for me. You're not doing anything to stay with me. I don't know if you're being this lazy because you think I'll just take it, or what. Maybe I'm high maintenance, but I really don't think I'm asking for much. I'm asking for you to be honest with me: to not lie. I'm asking you to be open with me: not acting, but actually being yourself. I'm asking you to care: talk more than 5 minutes a week. I really don't think I'm asking for much. And I hate blaming myself for all of your mistakes. I'm beautiful, and you don't appreciate me. You'll never find another me. Why don't you treasure me? You're wasting not only my time, but your own. I think we're both in this state where we're both so ugly and depressed that no one else wants us, but sorrow can't keep us together. You've given into yours, and I'm still dreaming of you finding happiness in me. But I'm not enough. That's the sad part. I'm not enough for you. And you're not enough for me.

If there was a way that I could make you know what I've been feeling this past year, I'd make you feel it. But I'm shy and slightly in awe of you, as stupid not only as it sounds, but as it is. We're both in this odd trance around each other. We don't want to disappoint. No. There I go again, giving you too much credit.
It's never gonna work out between you and me.

So why can't I just let go? Yeah, I'll be all alone. But we were friends before all this. We're some of each other's best friends. Want to know why I'm yours? I put up with your crap. That's the only reason why. That's the sad part.

I need to just lock the door and never look back. But I keep wanting to give you another chance. It seems we're just getting to know each other after nearing 4 years. We're 7/8 under the surface. There's so much we could've done, but you've just been such a coward. I was going to say that that's our problem, we're cowards, but no. This is really your fault, not mine.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Demasiado Tiempo

I spend far too much everyday wondering what people think of me, imagining what people think of me. It's just such a waste of time! People are going to think what they're going to think, I can't stop them! All the time I spend staring in the doesn't really matter. Who am I trying to impress anyway? Why are we so concerned what others think? I don't want to be like everyone else, but I want to be accepted.

Saturday, April 14, 2012


So I'm really tired and stressed out. Our midtri project for web page design is coming up. Our instructor's been gone and he didn't tell us when it's due. I'm pretty sure it won't be due for days if not a week, but because I'm me I'm just finishing it for Monday. I've already spent pretty much the entire day working on it, all of Friday night, and even Thursday too. I don't even want to think about how much work I've put into it. I've even started over. I've changed everything a million times. And it's not even done yet. There's a lot of things I still need to add. But there's things we haven't even learned yet that we need to incorporate. So obviously it can't be due Monday...but what if it is? So I'll be like done on Monday and no one else will be and that's just lame. Just typical me. I have to say, I'm proud of my work though. I taught myself a lot of stuff this weekend and it actually looks pretty professional. But I've just spent so much dang time on it and I know it's just an assignment, that no one else is going to spent the amount of time I have. But I really like designing web pages and I want to do my best. Why is that such a bad thing? Why am I so stressed out?! Ugh! I guess I just feel like I've wasted a ton of time that I could've been working on my novel during or doing my homework that I actually know when it's due. Ughhhh, I create my own problems. I'm so stupid!
I feel like I need to get away from my computer. But I practically live on my computer. I need to get away from this stupid project that's consuming my life. But I live on my computer.
I mean, I did go on a walk, but that only takes up a little chunk of time. I've practiced guitar already. I watched an hour of anime. I've gone on my usual websites. I worked a bit on my novel. I did everything I would've wanted to do today really, but I just spent so much time on that stupid project...I really don't know what my problem is at this point. I wish I had more time this weekend, but I've had a pretty full day. But it feels empty for some reason. It's just been a terrible week. I've lost it a few times. I'm realllllllyyyyy stressed about everything. Maybe it's better to be stressed out about projects than other things. But I've just been freaking out all week and it's been terrible. Probably one of the worst weeks better. Friday was better until I began obsessing over this project. I'm not as stressed about other things, now I'm more stressed about this project. But I'm still stressed about the other things.
I'm rambling.
I know.
I need to get rid of this stress though! I've been so stressed I haven't even been all that ticked off at the person I usually spend at least 50% of my energy worrying about, missing, hating, and what not. It's been an odd lonely week. I've spent in wallowing in stress. It's been awful. I just have to say that.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

More of the Worst

More of the Worst by Playradioplay!
(It's just that kind of day)
But seriously, his music always fits what I'm going through. He's my favorite musician. This is the song that fits me today. I'm pretty stressed out, but his music always calms me. It always strikes just the right balance.  Dan, you'll never know how much I appreciate your music. Thanks. I mean it.

"Prices and tooth decay
It doesn't even matter every single day

Disturbing the frequencies
While sailing the seven seas

Oh oh oh...

Listen and you might hear
A sudden cease of laughter
No smile from ear to ear

Distorting the spectral waves
Liscenses and bills to pay

Oh oh oh...

Rebound and consequence
Braces and the money spent

Concerts and gravity
Reports on tendencies

Oh oh oh...

Watchdogs, electric fence
Private school and money spent

Oh boy I've been told
When I grow old
I'll be alone
But you must agree.

'Cause it's too late
And you can't win
One full year
There's still more
Secret lies and tour whores

I won't sit still, oh no.
She fits in so well.

Unaware of what you've done

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

These Doomed Conversations

I'm sick of these doomed conversations.
I know you're not going to talk to me today.
You talked to me yesterday.
Never could it happen two days in a row.
Maybe in one more day you'll talk to me, but I really doubt it.
Within the next five days for sure though.
Then you might start to miss me.

I hate this. I want to talk to you so badly all the time. I'd do almost absolutely anything for you. I love you so much. But then a lot of the time I think about how much I hate you, how much pain you cause me, how much I put up with for you, and you have no idea. I doubt you feel the same about me, but then you always make me feel like the bad guy when I say this isn't working out. You don't want to lose me.
You talk to me almost on a schedule, days spread apart. It's like something to check of your to-do list. I'm sick of it! I look forward to hearing from you so much, but it only ends in disappointment. It's a crappy conversation. I know it is. And I know I'll want to cry over it the minute it's over and all of the next days to come.
Why do we even do this?

People Suck

People majorly suck. But you can't give them the satisfaction of falling into depression because of them. You have to be strong and smile, even if it's just to piss them off.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

For Myself

Sometimes you just need to do things for yourself.
So I wrote a poem, I poured out my heart, how I was feeling and I put it online. No one seemed to even read it. I mean, that's kinda disheartening, I really wanted people to read it and be like "Hey, you're right!"
It was an uplifting poem. I don't write those everyday.
It was actually good. Not that usual crap.
But whatever.
I needed to write it for myself.
I needed to put it out there. To take that chance.
It was about people caring, just not being able to show it.
They care. They just don't know how to show it.
I'll love them anyways. The world is a sad, confused, place. Right now I'll just have it out there for myself and for anyone else who might read it and benefit from it, but remain silent because of all our social tendencies and cliques.

It's sorta like blogging.
You do it for yourself.
You can't do it for the numbers.
They won't come.
They just won't.
So do it for yourself.


The devil cannot defeat me!
People cannot disillusion me!
Weather cannot weary me!
Sickness cannot stop me!
Money cannot buy me!
Governments cannot silence me!
And hell cannot handle me!

-the Bible presented by United Bible Societies