Born again, broken

I don't really know what's going on. I feel like I've died but my ghost has been thrust back inside me. The life I've known has ended. Nothing else is beginning though. Or it doesn't seem to be. Everyone's turning their back on me and I don't have any idea why. I know I'm not that interesting, probably annoying, but if they put up with it for so long, why end it now? I'm sorry if I hold on too tight, alright? I'm sick of leeching onto people till I suck them dry and I'm forced to move onto the next person I see. I'm just gonna kill everyone this way. I need someone to pull me off them, detach my razor sharp teeth, see past my ugly nature, and embrace me. I'm not saying I deserve it. But that's what I'd like/need to happen for anything to start going right in my life.
I've been doing a lot of reading this weekend about Anne Morrow Lindbergh. She says you have to be narcissistic to write. I find that slightly comforting. I'm definitely narcissistic. But when you think about it, it really is true. Who are you to tell someone else's story? What's so great about you to share your own story? Who do you think you are thinking that you have anything to offer the world?
But anyways she wrote A LOT. Especially in her diary. I have one...sort of...but I rarely use it. Mainly because I have to dig it out from it's hidden location. And then it'll suck up a few hours of my day because there's always more on my mind than I ever realize, which is pretty scary. So I usually avoid it. I never want to write about "events" either like it seems you'd want to...I need to write most often on days when absolutely nothing is happening. That's when I lose it. I should probably write more, it always does make me feel better. I'm in a really crappy mood. I don't really know how to put it in words. I'm too lazy to get my diary out so I'm just typing here. It just seems like every feeling has already been felt, what's the point of even writing it out? But Anne made it all seem important the way she wrote everything. Maybe feelings do matter. I mean, I know they do, but...I wondered for a moment that if people ever just get used to sadness and somehow come to abhor happiness. But you can't define happiness can you? It's different to each person. Cookies may be joy to me but depression to someone else who finds lasagna heavenly and I find it disgusting. So their happiness would be my dismay and so forth...that's a weird example, but anyways...everyone hates sadness. You might learn how to cope, but it will always wear you down. I just can't understand people who proclaim that the world sucks and that they're always sad. Yeah, it's pretty much true, but they make it sound like they don't enjoy anything and that they have no hope. I've been depressed, I don't know if I've ever really recovered, but I always held onto something and wasn't proud of my sorrow.
This weekend I started out in a bad mood and still am in one. I'm losing everyone close to me. I thought about my ex a lot. I think I was missing him...more missing certain aspects. It seems foolish looking back, but he did matter to me. I know that, but in a way I've forgotten. I erase specific pain from memory as to somehow comfort myself, but overall it stains memories, my entire life. I miss the innocence. I miss having him alone to care about. I miss talking...though I still to him. It's not the same, but it's easier right now. But it's not the same. There's an odd friendship. There's nothing, yet everything there. Two people who've never truly gotten to know each other, but that know each other better than anyone else. But that aren't willing to share anything overly personal. That can't ever see each other. That run out of things to say. But always come back to each other anyways. There are no romantic feelings anymore. But that's okay. I knew all along that we would just never be like that. But I wanted to think otherwise. I can't be so cruel to myself to ask why. It's so obvious. But now thinking about it, the chemistry was just all wrong...but now that it's over similarities keep coming. We grow more the same with each day. Yet my feelings fade more all the time. But I still miss him somehow.
But now my thoughts shift to Scandy. I'm concerned for him, I really am. I want to say I love him, but it's not in a way I can really describe. I lust after him and I respect him as a person, I care about him dearly, but something is missing. I think his respect for me. His refusal to believe in a dream. I know it would never work out. And I've admitted that early on, which is good. But I'll never give up my dreams, the dreams he refuses to even give a chance. It's already sort of falling apart, but I don't know...maybe it's better that it happens earlier on that getting all attached and being even more heartbroken later. But I don't think of the same anymore lately.
"Love" has disillusioned me. The "love" I know is an illusion. It's not real. I'm not so hateful to say it doesn't exist, but it doesn't in the ways everyone says it does. From my reading on Anne and just from different ideas and opinions I hear lately, I just don't believe in it, think of it the same way. I recall reading something like "marriage isn't just about love". And I'm beginning to believe it. And sex isn't the greatest thing in the world like society is making it seem. There's more to life. Not every love story is filled with white horses, beach getaways, and expensive dining. Not every prince is handsome or worthy of love. The same goes for the princesses. They're not all that special. Sometimes love just happens. You don't always choose. The why, where, when, it just happens. You can't go out looking for love. It has to come to you. I don't know exactly how it works, I'm just a dumb teenager. But I'm not going to search anymore. It's lead to too many dead-ends. I'm not saying it'll be easy. But I have to at least try. I might be lonely, but I'm not going to be desperate anymore. Focus on myself more. Right now there's very little to love about me. I need to fall in love with myself for a change instead of avoiding how much I hate myself and living off of the moments someone else sees something in me.
Love is strange...my thoughts, my feelings...they're all changing.
I'm alone and broken. For now. But I'll grow stronger.

http://ndesign-studio.com/portfolio/illustration/abstract-phoenix

Like I phoenix I've been reborn...I have new dreams, new aspirations. If I fall I might break some bones, but I will fly again. And if I should perish, well at least I can say I died trying.

An Ode to Abandonment

 

http://valioza.deviantart.com/ 

It's not even that I'm alone. It's not even that you've abandoned me.
That gets me thinking, what exactly does abandon mean?

...........

to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert

Well, that just makes me sound really over dramatic. I last spoke to you 3 or 4 days ago. It's really not that long. It really isn't. I realize that. But I think about you what seems every second of the day. When I wake up you're one of the first things on my mind. I ask myself why I'm alive, what my motivation is, and then I become hopeful -- I have you. Maybe today you'll decide you want to talk to me. Maybe I'll feel loved for a moment.

I'm reading the Great Gatsby and I was watching a video about how the person thought that basically every main character is terribly hopeful. I'm terribly hopeful. Hopeful in a bad way. Like Gatsby, I'm putting all my bets on you. And I know you won't live up to my expectations. I know that. You've already failed me so many times. But I can't just give up on you. You're my "incarnated" dream. You're what I've set my sights on.

I've often thought of breaking off whatever I have with you. I feel like you speak to me once or twice a week out of obligation. Like I'm some annoying pet or something. I'm that kid you gave birth to but never wanted, but you have to take care of you. I'm that kid you leave at home when you go to work and you feel bad so you buy me an expensive gift. Except that it's not like that at all.
I just feel like I'm this annoyance. Like you loved me once, but you don't anymore. I was your best friend, once. But not anymore. But you can't let go of someone you used to love, someone who used to be your best friend, can you? Can you ever go back to being friends after falling in love? Was it, is it even love?

I want you to talk to me because you want to talk to me, not because you feel obligated to. I want to feel comfortable about you. I want to stop turning you into some god that you're not. That's just the thing, I see all your flaws, yet I hold you both so high above and so low below myself. We're just not on the same level, except that we are...

I want to be myself around you. I want to say whatever's on my mind. I want you to show interest. I want you to care. But maybe that's too much to ask.

I want to tell you exactly what I'm feeling toward you. I want to do it without you making excuses and apologizing. I want to do it without feeling embarrassed or foolish.

I want to be able to point out what's wrong without fearing that I'll lose it all.

I'm sick of asking how you are and you never asking me. I'm sick of you just leaving mid-conversation.

I'm sick of living like I can't live without you when I'm never even with you.

I don't want to feel like I have to make things right, like I have to please you, like I have to be perfect for you.

I don't want our existence to be defined by the few hours we spend together every few months. I don't want to build up to those events just for me to fall out of love when we're together and to fall back in love and blame myself as soon as you leave.

This just isn't working, but I feel like I can't speak up now. I need to see you. I need to be with you. I'm needy. If you leave me alone for 10 minutes I assume you've left me. Imagine what 4 days is like. By now I assume that you hate me, that I said something wrong, that you never loved me, that none of this has ever been real.

Beautiful Me

Today was an incredibly interesting day. But one part I'd like to focus on is how others saw something in me. One of my friends that I met up with today kept encouraging, telling me that I could face whatever challenges were to come my way. They genuinely wanted  me to do well. I don't get that often.
I'm really awkward in social situations. At one point I said something like, "I know, I'm no fun." Then they seriously said, "Oh, yeah, you're no fun: that's why I'm hanging out with you right now." Those are the type of things you remember when people say them. There's many memories from today that I think I'll remember for the rest of my life.
I'm an incredibly negative person. I'm always down on myself. I was saying how I wasn't very good at the guitar, and my friend said, "Hey, don't say you're not good!" They wouldn't even let me say it. People get angry at me for not believing in myself, for being so negative. They yell at me for apologizing, for talking too quietly, for not looking at them in the eyes. I always feel guilty after I'm called out. If they don't view me in the horrible ways I view myself, why should I?
Lately I've been incredibly blessed to be reconnecting with and making new friends. I've found someone I love, and I'm now able to confront and befriend former loves and have healthy friendships with them. Today I was reminded that there are people who believe in me. There are people who think I'm beautiful. There are people who enjoy being with me. Maybe those people aren't most of the people in the world, but if you think about it, it's pretty amazing for another human being to find any interest in little old you. I think about how lately people have told me I look good, thinner, beautiful, when I'm truly not. I look the same as I always have. I think about all these comments lately, the friends who've come to love me, and how they praise me with so many compliments, then I think about all the other kids at school, the kids who used to make fun of me. I recall all the years I've felt fat, ugly, and unworthy. I'm not. It's sad to think that my entire life I've believed all those people who made me feel crap. I've believed that I was crap. But not anymore. I'm beautiful and no one will tell me differently.

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSVSn9APHcJRzI3Q6vTnYEx063j7CYZSdzO9D8MF1UMpV7kXdDa

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Most Things on My Mind

Today's been overall a very thoughtful day. I was with my teammates going to an away meet. The drive was about an hour away. Surprisingly, I really fell in love with the area we were driving through. It was still considered part of the metro area, but it was like all these little wooded farms right on the side of the road. It wasn't really rural in my mind because houses and farms were consistently following one another. I always dream about the future. I'm not so much of a dreamer in the present or past, but when it comes to the future I am. I imagined myself moving out to the area with the guy I love. It would be great, just everything would be a ways away. That's what bothers me about myself. I can't ever just enjoy anything. I mean, this is a freaking fantasy, and I'm thinking "hmmm, well we'd better have good paying jobs to live this far out." Who cares about that, honestly?! Living out in the country with someone you love -- that's awesome! Who cares what you do for a living? You're in the beautiful country with someone you love!

http://b-womeninamericanhistory19.blogspot.com/2010/12/snowy-19th-century-american-countryside.html

I was having one of those days where you just realize how much of a loner you are. You know you're a loner when you can't even fit in on your own team. My closest friend on the team was being a player, flirting around, and gaming, like always. All the other people my age were listening to their music, talking to their friends, or falling all over my friend. I looked out the window silently, like always.
I love looking out the window. It really was a beautiful drive. It's just, humans are always searching for acceptance.

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I really don't like anyone at my school, hardly even my friends most of the time. In some of my classes I literally sit in the back by myself when everyone else is in groups. It's just how it is. I'm through beating myself up for not talking to the snobs. Yeah, I should be less anti-social, but I should stop caring so much. I'll talk to someone if I feel like it. I'm done feeling obligated and crappy.

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When I see other teams, I wish I went to their schools, that I was on their teams. They all seemed to be friends, all seemed to get along. They seemed to appreciate. They seemed not so stuck up. But they always say the grass in greener on the other side.

I go to Church. I know God's there. I know He's much larger than me. I know He's done great things for me, but right now it's hard for me to know much else. With all the things people say, it's hard to know what to believe anymore. For the first time I'm really questioning everything. I'll always believe though. I could never forget my love for God.

I think about the person I love. I don't see them much. Some times I feel really down because we're apart. What's the use of putting any effort into my appearance? What's the use of buying all these new clothes? There's only one person I care about looking nice for, and they already think I'm beautiful. But I tell myself, I need to do it for myself. I need to look good for myself. I can't live a life of reaction. I try to convince myself that I'd be, I am, fine without them. But once you're loved, that feeling never goes away.

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A Stupid Thing To Ruin a Day

So you never responded to my text...and that bothers me.
I don't want to have to tell you care. I don't want to have to tell you to listen. I just don't understand this. You say how valuable I am to you, yet I'm stuck with this lack of respect. I ask about you. I ask about you all the time. Occasionally you'll ask about me. But if I bring something about myself up when you haven't asked, well that's the end of our conversation. What is this? Please tell me. We can't keep going on this way.

Teenage emotions?

Well I feel like crap. I was having an okay day. Then my guy friend left practice today and I just automatically felt crappy. Maybe it was also because the captain ordered me to another team with this guy who's sorta creepin' on me. Then I got stuck on teams with all the captains. I can't even think with them around. They'll probably just laugh at any of my ideas. Why even try?
Then there's the other kids in my grade there today. I don't like them...I mean, they're okay. But they don't show any kindness to me anymore. They don't try talking to me. Yeah, I don't try talking to them either, but it's different. Yeah, I sound hypocritical and I know it. I want to be accepted so badly, I want friends so badly, but I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel like I don't know how to. If people want to talk to you, they usually do. I've been around these people enough though too to know that we don't exactly click. I just don't want them involved in this thing, my nerdy deal. I want something of my own, you know? They're the people I'm supposed to get along with, the people with the most similar interests to me. But they're so different than me...why is it that I click with people sometimes, and not others? I feel like the people my age and older are always judging me, like I'm not good enough for them. But with the younger kids, it's better. But even then I still feel not good enough. 
No one pays attention to me. I don't want a ton of attention, but it just kills me when I'm sitting all alone and no one says a word to me, but right by me people will just gradually flock to a person like myself, just sitting alone, and they'll have all sorts of conversations. What's so wrong with me? I suppose my problem is that I think I have a problem.
I want to leave. I want to get out of this place so badly, but how's it going to be better anywhere else? I don't have the motivation or energy to start conversations. This place isn't for me. But so many people suffer when they're young. I want happiness though. I just don't know if it's worth the risk. I feel so alone all the time. I have some friends, some people I can talk to, but it's just waving in the halls. It's nothing real. It's killing me. How can I take years more of this?
I'm used to being alone. You think I'd get over it by now. I know that I'm not like everyone else, that I have different standards for friends than others, that I don't really fit in, I don't always act my age. But I know that one day someone will appreciate me for who I am. I'm dying waiting for them to come along. It's hard to keep hope, but it's all I have.
I had one person who I thought maybe understood me, but they're never there. I was tempted to try to talk to them, but I stopped myself. If I talked to them I'd be forgiving them for treating me like crap without even making them see what they'd done to me. I can't just brush that away. I don't want to get into it tonight though.
I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know how I'm going to make it through. I know every other teenager in the world feels miserable, but for some reason all the people around me seem to be doing just fine. Maybe they just accept it. I don't want to. I want to be strong, but at the same time...
I don't know. It'll work out though.

These Past Few Days

These past few days I've been fairly depressed. He promised he'd make it work, that he'd see me, but he hasn't even called. He's been avoiding me. What did I do wrong? We were so happy just earlier this week. Why do I always feel like it's my fault? I know it's not. Why does this always happen to me? I can't even describe how angry and pitiful I've been these past few days. I've been wasting my precious life away, caring about him. I've gotten so depressed I can't even do anything. He's stolen my motivation. Why did I let him take it? I sort of knew this would happen, so I don't know why it's effecting me so strongly. He's just a stupid boy. I know he's not the one for me. But I'm so lonely. He's the one thing I have to strive for. He understood me. He's such a coward...he can't even face me. I just don't understand. I know I mean something to him. Why do I only matter some times? I want to matter all the time. He's always mattered to me. I know I'm probably not going to marry him, or ever even move beyond friends, or even get to that point, but I can't help wondering what if. I can't keep making excuses though. I can't keep forgiving. I don't want to let him go. What will I have left? My life I suppose. I feel like I should be fine without him, but I won't be. I've known him for years now. Life would go on, but it would be so empty. Maybe I just need a constant torment in my life. I'm angry with myself for getting so depressed over something as stupid as him. He shouldn't even matter to me. I've known all along that he's a waste of time, but I can't keep him off my mind. And if I say goodbye to him, what will all the effort I spent matter? Years of my life wasted. I know this isn't anything new for most people. But it's just so difficult... I think of that other man I loved. One day I decided not to talk to him, and he decided not to either, and nothing's been said since. Years...years of my life right there, in one decision, I just quit what my life had become. He had become my life. Why do I let people take over so much of my life? I only get hurt. I decide to take these risks, but don't pursue them thoroughly. I never tell them I love them, I only make it obvious. But they never care.
And if that wasn't enough, I go to a party with my friends. Even then, no one likes me. I sit around listening to how wonderful everyone's life is, and I'm thinking about how crappy and messed up mine is. I can't even find anything good to say, and I feel bad about it. I feel ungrateful. I know I have a much better life than a lot of people, but I let stupid people like him hold me down. I want to just not care about what people think of me like some of my friends do. Why can't I be that strong? Or why can't I speak up? Why can't I demand attention? I want to matter. I want people to see me for who I am and what I can be. I don't want people to introduce me as "she's quiet". That's just because I can never fit a word in. I have plenty to say, I just wait for the world to give me the chance, but it never does.
I don't know who I am anymore. He's stolen who I am. Gotta recreate myself. It's always been a difficult task, rearranging who I am constantly, because nothing ever works out for me. Taking down all the pictures in my room, putting up new.
Here's to a new beginning.

So Wrong and Right

It's one of those moments during the quiet period after a fight, but still in the middle, before it's thoroughly over and fought. I'm wrong. What they said was completely true, but you know what? I'm right too. It's everyone's fault, but at the same time everyone's right. Yes, I complain about absolutely everything, you're right. I'm shy and hateful. You're right. I don't appreciate anything. You're right. Now what more do you want from me? I'm not going to say I'm sorry. I'm not even going to try to argue. At this point you're so worked up that you wouldn't even listen. And that's your main problem: you don't listen. You mean well, but you over-do everything. Lately you've been driving me crazy, and you don't even seem to care. You can't buy my trust and love in you. You have to earn it. You never change. You always go back to your old ways, and worsen even further in the direction I warned you of. I criticize too much, it's true. But everyone always pushes me around and you're the only one I can take it out on. I'm sorry, okay? I'm crying right now. Are you happy now? I know you don't need this crap right now. You're just trying to be loving and friendly, but we've never been close. You said some harsh things to me tonight. You've never been that mean to me. I deserved every word. Every word is true. I'm completely wrong, but I am still right, and so are you. We're different people. We aren't going to agree. Why can't you accept that? You say you won't change for anything, I should leave you alone. Well maybe I don't intend on changing either. We're being hypocrites. Why don't we just end this? I know you mean well. I get it, okay? Just, would it be so hard to ask me first? Why is everything a secret lately? Well, I know it's because you know I'll say no. But how is going behind my back going to gain you any trust? I'm not really sad and I'm not really mad. I feel still. I know it'll be okay. I'm selfish, I'm a brat, but I already know that. You just told me who I knew I already am. How can I be all that offended? I hope this will blow over, but we should have seen this coming. I was ready to blow up all day, but instead you did. I'm sorry, you're right, but so am I.

Just Plain, Just Existing

Do you ever feel like sometimes no one is seeing for you really are; like you're invisible? Do you ever feel plain and unworthy? Do you feel like you're just surviving? Well, I feel like that quite often anyways, though I try not to when I can help it. There are few people I talk to, it's just my fate that I'm not usually surrounded by the people I want to be. Most of my day I spend silently, cynically, watching. I watch other people with friends laugh and socialize. I just watch. I don't even really try to jump in. Maybe that's my own fault. But they have their friends, I have mine, they're just never around...
I don't like being looked at as the loner all the time. It bothers me how there will be plenty of people who sit quietly in class by themselves, and they're not accused of being strange, yet I am. Why me? I'm awkward and I know it. I'm insecure about every move I make. I'm afraid to even reach into my bag. That's how bad things are at times. I don't like most other people. I don't know why I let the fear of their opinion bother me so much. I'm striving to just attack life head on and act as I please, though still with moral decision of course. I just am tired of feeling constrained; not being who I am.
I feel like I'm in a rut. I wake up the same time, arrive the same time, eat at the same times all everyday. I'm blending in to the dreary pattern of life. I want to be fully submerged into every moment, fully awake, fully alive. I don't want to be this walking zombie. I don't want to be awkward and weird like everyone thinks I am. I want them to see me for who I really am. I don't know why I don't let them. I don't like them anyway. I've never fit in, why do I act like I'm trying to?
I hadn't even intended to write about this topic. It' always on my mind...I could go on forever...it's odd how I'd been having a pretty decent day, then out of the blue I felt invisible once again...
One day the world will see me.

Being Happy For Others

I have a hard time being happy for others. I'm a rather self-centered person most of the time. It's hard for me to accept that there are people out there that are better than me at certain things, even though I already know it. Writing is a good example. I am in no way the greatest writer to ever life. I'm better than some people though, and at times I think I let that go to my head. Then when I read work by other people, sometimes I'll just feel downright ashamed. I'll realize how talented others are compared to me, and how I should be working harder and be more focused so that I can be that good too. I guess all I really want to say is that I'm sorry. I'll try to work harder, but not to out-do anyone, but to do my best.