Take a Deep Breath and Say Goodbye

Ugh...*dramatic sigh* I just can't take this any longer. It's been going on for about a year now: me loving you, you acting like you might. Even though we've both admitted it since then, you treat me worse than ever. Have you lost your love for me? I hate blaming you when I know there's so much going wrong in your life, but you're putting me through hell. You said you'd wait for me. You're not doing anything to stay with me. I don't know if you're being this lazy because you think I'll just take it, or what. Maybe I'm high maintenance, but I really don't think I'm asking for much. I'm asking for you to be honest with me: to not lie. I'm asking you to be open with me: not acting, but actually being yourself. I'm asking you to care: talk more than 5 minutes a week. I really don't think I'm asking for much. And I hate blaming myself for all of your mistakes. I'm beautiful, and you don't appreciate me. You'll never find another me. Why don't you treasure me? You're wasting not only my time, but your own. I think we're both in this state where we're both so ugly and depressed that no one else wants us, but sorrow can't keep us together. You've given into yours, and I'm still dreaming of you finding happiness in me. But I'm not enough. That's the sad part. I'm not enough for you. And you're not enough for me.

If there was a way that I could make you know what I've been feeling this past year, I'd make you feel it. But I'm shy and slightly in awe of you, as stupid not only as it sounds, but as it is. We're both in this odd trance around each other. We don't want to disappoint. No. There I go again, giving you too much credit.
It's never gonna work out between you and me.

So why can't I just let go? Yeah, I'll be all alone. But we were friends before all this. We're some of each other's best friends. Want to know why I'm yours? I put up with your crap. That's the only reason why. That's the sad part.

I need to just lock the door and never look back. But I keep wanting to give you another chance. It seems we're just getting to know each other after nearing 4 years. We're 7/8 under the surface. There's so much we could've done, but you've just been such a coward. I was going to say that that's our problem, we're cowards, but no. This is really your fault, not mine.

These Doomed Conversations

I'm sick of these doomed conversations.
I know you're not going to talk to me today.
You talked to me yesterday.
Never could it happen two days in a row.
Maybe in one more day you'll talk to me, but I really doubt it.
Within the next five days for sure though.
Then you might start to miss me.


I hate this. I want to talk to you so badly all the time. I'd do almost absolutely anything for you. I love you so much. But then a lot of the time I think about how much I hate you, how much pain you cause me, how much I put up with for you, and you have no idea. I doubt you feel the same about me, but then you always make me feel like the bad guy when I say this isn't working out. You don't want to lose me.
You talk to me almost on a schedule, days spread apart. It's like something to check of your to-do list. I'm sick of it! I look forward to hearing from you so much, but it only ends in disappointment. It's a crappy conversation. I know it is. And I know I'll want to cry over it the minute it's over and all of the next days to come.
Why do we even do this?


http://www.flickr.com/photos/theodoraa/5869342304/

An Ode to Abandonment

 

http://valioza.deviantart.com/ 

It's not even that I'm alone. It's not even that you've abandoned me.
That gets me thinking, what exactly does abandon mean?

...........

to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert

Well, that just makes me sound really over dramatic. I last spoke to you 3 or 4 days ago. It's really not that long. It really isn't. I realize that. But I think about you what seems every second of the day. When I wake up you're one of the first things on my mind. I ask myself why I'm alive, what my motivation is, and then I become hopeful -- I have you. Maybe today you'll decide you want to talk to me. Maybe I'll feel loved for a moment.

I'm reading the Great Gatsby and I was watching a video about how the person thought that basically every main character is terribly hopeful. I'm terribly hopeful. Hopeful in a bad way. Like Gatsby, I'm putting all my bets on you. And I know you won't live up to my expectations. I know that. You've already failed me so many times. But I can't just give up on you. You're my "incarnated" dream. You're what I've set my sights on.

I've often thought of breaking off whatever I have with you. I feel like you speak to me once or twice a week out of obligation. Like I'm some annoying pet or something. I'm that kid you gave birth to but never wanted, but you have to take care of you. I'm that kid you leave at home when you go to work and you feel bad so you buy me an expensive gift. Except that it's not like that at all.
I just feel like I'm this annoyance. Like you loved me once, but you don't anymore. I was your best friend, once. But not anymore. But you can't let go of someone you used to love, someone who used to be your best friend, can you? Can you ever go back to being friends after falling in love? Was it, is it even love?

I want you to talk to me because you want to talk to me, not because you feel obligated to. I want to feel comfortable about you. I want to stop turning you into some god that you're not. That's just the thing, I see all your flaws, yet I hold you both so high above and so low below myself. We're just not on the same level, except that we are...

I want to be myself around you. I want to say whatever's on my mind. I want you to show interest. I want you to care. But maybe that's too much to ask.

I want to tell you exactly what I'm feeling toward you. I want to do it without you making excuses and apologizing. I want to do it without feeling embarrassed or foolish.

I want to be able to point out what's wrong without fearing that I'll lose it all.

I'm sick of asking how you are and you never asking me. I'm sick of you just leaving mid-conversation.

I'm sick of living like I can't live without you when I'm never even with you.

I don't want to feel like I have to make things right, like I have to please you, like I have to be perfect for you.

I don't want our existence to be defined by the few hours we spend together every few months. I don't want to build up to those events just for me to fall out of love when we're together and to fall back in love and blame myself as soon as you leave.

This just isn't working, but I feel like I can't speak up now. I need to see you. I need to be with you. I'm needy. If you leave me alone for 10 minutes I assume you've left me. Imagine what 4 days is like. By now I assume that you hate me, that I said something wrong, that you never loved me, that none of this has ever been real.

Awkward Cute?

So this post basically describes many moments of my life: texting that one person you really like, but you can't think of anything to say. And it's really awkward. And sad. And cute. Because you want to tell them your thoughts on absolutely every and anything, but you're so afraid of boring them or not saying the right thing that your mind just totally blanks and you give the most horrible and dull replies. And it's all because you like them so much. And it's cute too when you know that the same thing is happening to them. How you'll promise to text each other the next day even though you've already run out of things to say. But there's so many things you want to tell them, you just want to hear from them, be with them in that sense. There's such a strong desire, but that childish awkwardness, the cute innocent blushing little couple that love each other, but don't know how to express it.

http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/love-sex/the-dos-and-donts-of-new-relationships

Back and Better?

It's funny how it'll happen. I'll think about him for days and days, no sign of life, no contact. And then out of the blue he'll try talking to me and I'll have walked away from the screen! But this time I think he's back for awhile, hopefully better than ever too. We had a good conversation. It wasn't forced. It was easy. We were friends. Neither of us were really pushing for more. We can say we miss each other because it's true. We are some of each others closest friends after all. He said he'll talk to me again very soon. It's hard being friends only hearing from each other every few weeks. I hope he keeps his word. He's made other promises to see me. I'd like it to happen, and this time I almost believe it's true. But I won't put all my faith in him. I can't just forget.  I think things will take a turn for the better. :)

It's about learning to forgive,
not forget,
but to move on,
to give another chance,
even if now I can't even keep track of how many I've given.

A Night of Missing and Music

So I've been missing a certain person lately. These songs sort of reflect some of what I'm Feeling:

"My Favorite Dream" by Mae

(Just discovered their music tonight)

"Wish You Were Here" by Hey Monday. (A beloved band to me).

(And just saying, I don't own the music/videos in any way)

It's that whole idea that you'll find someone that means so much to you, but deep down you know that you mean nothing close to them as to what they mean to you.
Not hearing from someone for over a week drives me crazy. I'll come up with wild ideas why they haven't tried talking to me.

I feel like I'm drifting away from a beloved friend. Distance always seems to do that... =P But we were never even that close to begin with...it seems like this just isn't meant to be...but then why did it get so far?

It's painful. I realize that my emotions might not be mutual(...then was I being led on?) I'm left wondering; left to be cautious. It's really quite cruel. They made promises to me...they never keep them! I should know better to always fall back into their tricks, but they're just so genuine, and I want to love them so much!
I feel like if I'm not on their mind every few days, they'll/ have forgotten about me.
What hurts the most though is the uncertainty. I don't know if they're worth missing, if my emotions for them are strong enough to make any effort at all.

It's probably best to just let this person go, like I let "him" go...but I don't want this person to be another "him". I want a friendship to last. I know that they're better. But they're not nearly good enough...