So Wrong and Right

It's one of those moments during the quiet period after a fight, but still in the middle, before it's thoroughly over and fought. I'm wrong. What they said was completely true, but you know what? I'm right too. It's everyone's fault, but at the same time everyone's right. Yes, I complain about absolutely everything, you're right. I'm shy and hateful. You're right. I don't appreciate anything. You're right. Now what more do you want from me? I'm not going to say I'm sorry. I'm not even going to try to argue. At this point you're so worked up that you wouldn't even listen. And that's your main problem: you don't listen. You mean well, but you over-do everything. Lately you've been driving me crazy, and you don't even seem to care. You can't buy my trust and love in you. You have to earn it. You never change. You always go back to your old ways, and worsen even further in the direction I warned you of. I criticize too much, it's true. But everyone always pushes me around and you're the only one I can take it out on. I'm sorry, okay? I'm crying right now. Are you happy now? I know you don't need this crap right now. You're just trying to be loving and friendly, but we've never been close. You said some harsh things to me tonight. You've never been that mean to me. I deserved every word. Every word is true. I'm completely wrong, but I am still right, and so are you. We're different people. We aren't going to agree. Why can't you accept that? You say you won't change for anything, I should leave you alone. Well maybe I don't intend on changing either. We're being hypocrites. Why don't we just end this? I know you mean well. I get it, okay? Just, would it be so hard to ask me first? Why is everything a secret lately? Well, I know it's because you know I'll say no. But how is going behind my back going to gain you any trust? I'm not really sad and I'm not really mad. I feel still. I know it'll be okay. I'm selfish, I'm a brat, but I already know that. You just told me who I knew I already am. How can I be all that offended? I hope this will blow over, but we should have seen this coming. I was ready to blow up all day, but instead you did. I'm sorry, you're right, but so am I.

Just Plain, Just Existing

Do you ever feel like sometimes no one is seeing for you really are; like you're invisible? Do you ever feel plain and unworthy? Do you feel like you're just surviving? Well, I feel like that quite often anyways, though I try not to when I can help it. There are few people I talk to, it's just my fate that I'm not usually surrounded by the people I want to be. Most of my day I spend silently, cynically, watching. I watch other people with friends laugh and socialize. I just watch. I don't even really try to jump in. Maybe that's my own fault. But they have their friends, I have mine, they're just never around...
I don't like being looked at as the loner all the time. It bothers me how there will be plenty of people who sit quietly in class by themselves, and they're not accused of being strange, yet I am. Why me? I'm awkward and I know it. I'm insecure about every move I make. I'm afraid to even reach into my bag. That's how bad things are at times. I don't like most other people. I don't know why I let the fear of their opinion bother me so much. I'm striving to just attack life head on and act as I please, though still with moral decision of course. I just am tired of feeling constrained; not being who I am.
I feel like I'm in a rut. I wake up the same time, arrive the same time, eat at the same times all everyday. I'm blending in to the dreary pattern of life. I want to be fully submerged into every moment, fully awake, fully alive. I don't want to be this walking zombie. I don't want to be awkward and weird like everyone thinks I am. I want them to see me for who I really am. I don't know why I don't let them. I don't like them anyway. I've never fit in, why do I act like I'm trying to?
I hadn't even intended to write about this topic. It' always on my mind...I could go on forever...it's odd how I'd been having a pretty decent day, then out of the blue I felt invisible once again...
One day the world will see me.

Thinking Things over...:/

I'm considering leaving you as you are, just as I did with him. I was so convinced that I was in love with him. I knew he didn't love me though. I stopped trying to see if he would make an effort. He made none. We haven't spoken in months. That's just how it is. Occasionally I'll think of him. I don't miss him though. I don't miss being unappreciated. At the time I couldn't live without him, but now I am and I'm doing just fine.
I found you and thought that everything was alright once again, my friend, the guy that's there to listen to me. You have so many things in common with him, but you're so much better too. With him, I made all the effort. With you, you always make the first move. You're more of a man than he'll ever be even though you act more like a child than he.
Times have changed, looking back I see how much I've grown up and I know that I'll just keep growing. I'm not going to make the same mistakes that I made with him. Sometimes I wonder if you care, always breaking your promises. I know that's just how you are, but sometimes it hurts seeing the real you.
I don't know what I want. I almost want to be rid of you. You're not part of my here and now. You're far away, but I don't want to let you go. Who else do I have? I don't want to waste my time though. But I hate being alone. I want to be with you again, I want to hear the truth. I can handle it, I just need to know what it is, or what it was. I'm afraid your mind might or has changed. I'm not sure what I want to hear, but I want to hear something, so I can stop wondering, so I can make peace, let myself fall for you, or let you go. Right now it's all in your hands...I have little choice. If you let me go, it's your own fault due to your own errors.
I've come to accept that I never loved him, I had merely made an idol out of him. You're a hope, a somewhat attainable dream, a desire, a fantasy. I know I don't love you though. Back then I thought I was so in love, I felt so strongly for him, and now knowing that it was nothing near love, I can only imagine how forceful and life changing love really is and I look forward to the day I find it.