Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Teenage emotions?

Well I feel like crap. I was having an okay day. Then my guy friend left practice today and I just automatically felt crappy. Maybe it was also because the captain ordered me to another team with this guy who's sorta creepin' on me. Then I got stuck on teams with all the captains. I can't even think with them around. They'll probably just laugh at any of my ideas. Why even try?
Then there's the other kids in my grade there today. I don't like them...I mean, they're okay. But they don't show any kindness to me anymore. They don't try talking to me. Yeah, I don't try talking to them either, but it's different. Yeah, I sound hypocritical and I know it. I want to be accepted so badly, I want friends so badly, but I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel like I don't know how to. If people want to talk to you, they usually do. I've been around these people enough though too to know that we don't exactly click. I just don't want them involved in this thing, my nerdy deal. I want something of my own, you know? They're the people I'm supposed to get along with, the people with the most similar interests to me. But they're so different than me...why is it that I click with people sometimes, and not others? I feel like the people my age and older are always judging me, like I'm not good enough for them. But with the younger kids, it's better. But even then I still feel not good enough. 
No one pays attention to me. I don't want a ton of attention, but it just kills me when I'm sitting all alone and no one says a word to me, but right by me people will just gradually flock to a person like myself, just sitting alone, and they'll have all sorts of conversations. What's so wrong with me? I suppose my problem is that I think I have a problem.
I want to leave. I want to get out of this place so badly, but how's it going to be better anywhere else? I don't have the motivation or energy to start conversations. This place isn't for me. But so many people suffer when they're young. I want happiness though. I just don't know if it's worth the risk. I feel so alone all the time. I have some friends, some people I can talk to, but it's just waving in the halls. It's nothing real. It's killing me. How can I take years more of this?
I'm used to being alone. You think I'd get over it by now. I know that I'm not like everyone else, that I have different standards for friends than others, that I don't really fit in, I don't always act my age. But I know that one day someone will appreciate me for who I am. I'm dying waiting for them to come along. It's hard to keep hope, but it's all I have.
I had one person who I thought maybe understood me, but they're never there. I was tempted to try to talk to them, but I stopped myself. If I talked to them I'd be forgiving them for treating me like crap without even making them see what they'd done to me. I can't just brush that away. I don't want to get into it tonight though.
I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know how I'm going to make it through. I know every other teenager in the world feels miserable, but for some reason all the people around me seem to be doing just fine. Maybe they just accept it. I don't want to. I want to be strong, but at the same time...
I don't know. It'll work out though.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

These Past Few Days

These past few days I've been fairly depressed. He promised he'd make it work, that he'd see me, but he hasn't even called. He's been avoiding me. What did I do wrong? We were so happy just earlier this week. Why do I always feel like it's my fault? I know it's not. Why does this always happen to me? I can't even describe how angry and pitiful I've been these past few days. I've been wasting my precious life away, caring about him. I've gotten so depressed I can't even do anything. He's stolen my motivation. Why did I let him take it? I sort of knew this would happen, so I don't know why it's effecting me so strongly. He's just a stupid boy. I know he's not the one for me. But I'm so lonely. He's the one thing I have to strive for. He understood me. He's such a coward...he can't even face me. I just don't understand. I know I mean something to him. Why do I only matter some times? I want to matter all the time. He's always mattered to me. I know I'm probably not going to marry him, or ever even move beyond friends, or even get to that point, but I can't help wondering what if. I can't keep making excuses though. I can't keep forgiving. I don't want to let him go. What will I have left? My life I suppose. I feel like I should be fine without him, but I won't be. I've known him for years now. Life would go on, but it would be so empty. Maybe I just need a constant torment in my life. I'm angry with myself for getting so depressed over something as stupid as him. He shouldn't even matter to me. I've known all along that he's a waste of time, but I can't keep him off my mind. And if I say goodbye to him, what will all the effort I spent matter? Years of my life wasted. I know this isn't anything new for most people. But it's just so difficult... I think of that other man I loved. One day I decided not to talk to him, and he decided not to either, and nothing's been said since. Years...years of my life right there, in one decision, I just quit what my life had become. He had become my life. Why do I let people take over so much of my life? I only get hurt. I decide to take these risks, but don't pursue them thoroughly. I never tell them I love them, I only make it obvious. But they never care.
And if that wasn't enough, I go to a party with my friends. Even then, no one likes me. I sit around listening to how wonderful everyone's life is, and I'm thinking about how crappy and messed up mine is. I can't even find anything good to say, and I feel bad about it. I feel ungrateful. I know I have a much better life than a lot of people, but I let stupid people like him hold me down. I want to just not care about what people think of me like some of my friends do. Why can't I be that strong? Or why can't I speak up? Why can't I demand attention? I want to matter. I want people to see me for who I am and what I can be. I don't want people to introduce me as "she's quiet". That's just because I can never fit a word in. I have plenty to say, I just wait for the world to give me the chance, but it never does.
I don't know who I am anymore. He's stolen who I am. Gotta recreate myself. It's always been a difficult task, rearranging who I am constantly, because nothing ever works out for me. Taking down all the pictures in my room, putting up new.
Here's to a new beginning.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


I've never really been a fan of Thanksgiving. It always just seemed like an excuse to eat food. You might ask what's wrong with that. Haha, nothing really. I never liked being asked "what are you thankful for?" because I'd never be able to think of anything. Yes, I'm an ungrateful brat. I rarely say thank you. I've always been been this way. I'm not a fan of holidays in general. They're focused on spending time with family and I've never been all that close to any of my family members, so it would always feel empty and lonely. But this year, I'm a little older, arguably wiser, and I'd just like to say a few things I'm thankful for. First and for most, I'd like to acknowledge that I'm thankful for simply being alive, having the opportunity to live out my dreams, the chance to love. I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful to be living the the U.S. of A. I'm thankful for having it as good as I do even though I rarely realize or appreciate it. I'm thankful for some time off of school, the new trimester coming up, and some time to write. I'm thankful for all the prayers God has answered for me, and most of all I am thankful that I have such a loving God in my life.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Not Alone

I know that I’m not the only one who feels alone, misunderstood, stupid, ridiculous, and so much more. I’m constantly embarrassed by myself and my attempts to fit in, when it’s never going to happen. I always try to play it safe and end up just screwing everything up. I know I’m not the only one though.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Today as Today

Today so far I am quite happy. I had a wonderful evening last night. Today there's lots of snow outside and it's bright. The world is full of possibilities. After a few days of finals there'll be a break and I'm hoping to see some friends I haven't seen in quite a while. And then a new trimester will start, hopefully it'll be better than ever. So far this year has been hard to describe: neither all that great or bad.
Being happy is such a great feeling. I never want to be sad again. I know I will, but I really don't want to be. I'll try my hardest to keep my spirits up.
I've got a new look, a new trimester up, here's to hoping from here, things will only get better!

Saturday, November 19, 2011


Hey, I have a new blog called Dream Status, check it out! :

So today I've done a lot and nothing. I have finals coming up, but all I ended up doing was getting nearly a foot of hair chopped off, playing guitar, procrastinating online, and going to my guitar recital. I've been in three recitals before and they always really stress me out. I practice the piece for months. When playing music in front of people I flip out. I always butcher the songs I have played perfectly before.
It's a pretty amazing feeling though to go up in front of people who are all cheering for you and only want you to succeed! It's also a great feeling when people tell you you played beautifully. Tonight I played 2 songs. The first I completely messed up, I played almost all wrong notes, but I made it through. The second song I actually played well. It was dedicated to my family. For some reason when I played it all my tension went away. Maybe it was because it was for them, not me. When I watched the video of my songs later, I came to accept that I hadn't done that bad.  I've realized tonight/today though that people do love me, they do care, I should lighten up a bit. I shouldn't be afraid to be myself, because most people are on my side.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

What is up?

Today is one of those days when you just don't what's going on. I woke up in a pretty good mood. It seems whenever I wake up in a good mood the day progressively gets worse. I had a dream about a guy who I had a thing for that moved away. I hadn't even really thought about him in quite some time. It was odd, usually in my dreams nothing happens like I want it to, but last night it did and the whole time I was questioning it. Every once in while my mind just throws in these surprises.
Why is it so hard for two people to both like each other? Like if you like someone, why can't they just like you back? Why can't they ever care for you as much as you care for them? It sounds stupid, but really. Why is it so hard?
It's sorta hurtful when people laugh at an idea of yours and basically call it stupid. That ruined my whole evening. I know I shouldn't let stupid people get me down, but they do.
I'm not happy, I want to leave, but I know I shouldn't, even though no one likes me. But if I leave will I ever find anyone to accept me? I've come to accept just being alone and never speaking. Why try talking to people you know are mean and don't want to speak to you? But I don't want to give up...I'm not sure if I'm accepting or rejecting myself.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

People Around Me

What is wrong with me? I have friends! It's crazy, all of a sudden everyone misses me and wants to do stuff with me, even people I haven't seen in years! Why? Who really knows. But it makes me feel rather loved, almost normal. It always seems like everyone else is always hanging out with their friends. Not me. But this weekend I've got like a million things to do with people!
It's strange, lately all the people I absolutely couldn't stand, I'm actually just accepting. But then people I thought seemed okay, are really bothering me. How does that work? I'm just glad I'm coming to accept people as they are. (Though maybe that's a bad thing?)
I may not talk to everyone, but I shouldn't let it get me down. I do have friends. I might not talk to them that often, but I guess I just have to suck it up and live life for myself.
Haha, I was listening to the Eagles's song "Take it Easy". I love these lines:
"Well, I'm running down the road
tryin' to loosen my load
I've got seven women on my mind,
Four that wanna own me,
Two that wanna stone me,
One says she's a friend of mine,
Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels
Drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don't even try to understand
Just find a place to take your stand
and take it easy"

At first you think whoa, seven women...but then you think and in my case I can think of seven guys hahaha. I mean just that I have crushes on or did or whatever. I can't really relate to the "wanna own" stuff though. But the last part about spinning your wheels, that's just deep. It's honest. It's true. Let it soak in.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Going to Explode

I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm so frustrated! I have a term paper and persuasive speech coming up that I need to find a topic for. I have Spanish to do. My printer and computer won't work. He hasn't replied to favorite rap music is irritating me. I don't feel like talking to anyone, but I really want to, to release this stress. I need to practice guitar, I have a ton to do before my next lesson. I need to read that book I borrowed...I need to watch that movie and write that essay on it...I need to write 45,000 more words by the end of the month...I have to find a speech for the upcoming speech season. And somehow I need to get some sleep.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Back and Better?

It's funny how it'll happen. I'll think about him for days and days, no sign of life, no contact. And then out of the blue he'll try talking to me and I'll have walked away from the screen! But this time I think he's back for awhile, hopefully better than ever too. We had a good conversation. It wasn't forced. It was easy. We were friends. Neither of us were really pushing for more. We can say we miss each other because it's true. We are some of each others closest friends after all. He said he'll talk to me again very soon. It's hard being friends only hearing from each other every few weeks. I hope he keeps his word. He's made other promises to see me. I'd like it to happen, and this time I almost believe it's true. But I won't put all my faith in him. I can't just forget.  I think things will take a turn for the better. :)

It's about learning to forgive,
not forget,
but to move on,
to give another chance,
even if now I can't even keep track of how many I've given.

Monday, November 7, 2011


I'm trying to condense my blogs...
Positive note of the day: the smell of warm zucchini bread baking.

I'll be freaking out, but then I'll realize that I'm doing just fine. There's always someone a little better and a little worse off than you.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

What I Have

I was saying how I had hardly any friends the other day. Then I decided to count and I had quite a few! I have more friends than I've ever had, yet I complain about hardly having any. Some of them I don't talk to that often, which is what it is. But then I feel like a lot of them I don't know that well. I define true friendship differently than others might. Like, I wrote in one girl's yearbook once that I hoped to get to know her more the next year, and then she wrote in mine that she was glad she had gotten to know me. I still feel like I hardly know her...true friendship in my mind requires being able to hold deep conversations together. That's hard to find these days. I'm constantly surrounded by people who aren't the handful of people I can somewhat consider friends. This gets me down as I see everyone else who has no problem getting along with everyone. Everyone laughs and appears to be friends with everyone while I stand alone. I feel like a lot of the people I know aren't going to be there for me down the road or already aren't, but they're what I have. I should be grateful. I don't want to just leave them, but I think I want to take the risk to find more, better friends. I get discouraged easily. I know that there's still good people out there, but I just don't end up getting to know the people I want to and am surrounded by people I don't care for. Why is it like this? I suppose I just have to accept that it's a challenge God has given me.