Wednesday, February 29, 2012

It's easy to say "I love you" but it's hard to find the right moment to say it and to truly mean it.


I'm through apologizing for things that aren't my fault, for feeling like things are my fault, that in no way are. I'm not going to text someone again if they don't reply to something I say that deserved a response. If they care at all the keep the conversation, they'll make an effort. If they don't make an effort, they're not worth having a conversation with.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Awkward Cute?

So this post basically describes many moments of my life: texting that one person you really like, but you can't think of anything to say. And it's really awkward. And sad. And cute. Because you want to tell them your thoughts on absolutely every and anything, but you're so afraid of boring them or not saying the right thing that your mind just totally blanks and you give the most horrible and dull replies. And it's all because you like them so much. And it's cute too when you know that the same thing is happening to them. How you'll promise to text each other the next day even though you've already run out of things to say. But there's so many things you want to tell them, you just want to hear from them, be with them in that sense. There's such a strong desire, but that childish awkwardness, the cute innocent blushing little couple that love each other, but don't know how to express it.

Friday, February 24, 2012

What it is

It's funny how love is everything and nothing that you expect it to be. You have someone, but they let you down. You can talk to them, but you can't always be with them. They might have nice eyes or whatever, but they're not your prince charming in any way shape or form. You always wanted a guy with bright blonde hair. Your man's is dark blonde. It sounds shallow, but you can't help but thinking that as happy as you are half the time, your love is nothing like you thought or you wanted it to be.
We're all human though, and that's why our love fails. Only God's Love is truly unconditional and pure. We have all of our own needs, desires, wants, gnawing at our souls trying to pull us down deeper into ourselves and further from consideration and love for others.
So love will never perfect here on earth. A harsh reality. But think about all those cute things he's told you, about all the plans you two have made, think about it might be the best you'll get while you're here. Might as well try to make the most of it.
I was listening to "Everything I Ask For" by The Maine. These lyrics sorta reminded me of what I've been thinking about this evening:
"I don't know what (he) sees in me
But I'm happy that (he's) happy now
That (he's) with me
And I'm freakin' out
Because I'm just so lucky

Oh (he) makes me feel like shit
It's always something
But I can't get over it
(he) thinks it's nothing
Because (he's)
Everything I ask for
Everything I ask for
And just a little bit more
Everything I ask for
Everything I ask for
And so much more"

Love is confusing, but if it wasn't, it wouldn't be love.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Relaxed Confusion

I don't know what lies ahead, but I know that I'm not forgotten.
So for the past month I've just been having an awful time. Important people to me were letting me down. But my faith is restored, slightly shaken, but being restored. Life is complicated. You need to forgive, but hold accountable. I'm still filled with gnawing curiosity and confusion, but it's not angry anymore. Anger's bad, it really truly is and I let it control my life far too much. I really don't know what the future will bring. I'm not sure of my emotions, morals, faith, or anything, but I'll trust that God will help me through it. He'd gotten me this far. He's made today happen.
Happy Lent!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day

Well I woke up in a great mood! I was thinking about how happy I was that I wasn't thinking about my horrible man friend that I adore and hate so much at the same time. And I hardly thought of him all day! It was awesome! The day I should be thinking about him I wasn't, because I didn't want him to ruin my day! I didn't want to think about how he wouldn't give me anything or even tell me Happy Valentine's Day even though he's told me I'm beautiful and how much he cares about me. I had a rough after noon but then I attained maximum ownage at my knowledge bowl meet so it was all good. I'd never done that good at knowledge bowl in my life! It was epic! So after being awake about 14 hours, I finally decided to give in and text the loser happy Valentine's Day. And funny enough, he didn't text me back until the second I started this post that I was going to rant about him not even texting me back. I mean, it'd been over an hour. But yeah! I'm in a really good hyper mood! I don't need him! Yay!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Stealin' ma jams!

Okay, I'm sorry, but I need to rant about this. It's been bothering me for over a year now. So a group of ladies that happen to be some of my least favorite people in the world like the EXACT same music as me. It makes me really angry. Like, I've been listening to these bands longer than them, and they stumble upon them and all of a sudden they LUH them. I've actually become so freaking annoyed with seeing these horrible people posting songs and lyrics by bands I absolutely adore that I just block all posts from them. I. Can't. Handle. It. I mean, when you don't listen to terribly mainstream, some underground, music, you want to know some people that appreciate the same awesomeness as you, but NOT obnoxious flaunty *insert string of curse words here* people. I just can't ignore these people though. I see them everywhere. They're friends with my friends. They wear the band shirts everywhere.
I was going to go to a concert to see a favorite screamo band of mine, but then I found out their whole group, and even one of my friends who didn't even freaking know who the band was, were going to go to it. I didn't go. Gahhhhhh, I don't want to have to stay home from concerts because of those people. You might say that I should just go anyways. No. Not happening. I would definitely see those people there, because they're the people who go to every freaking concert, doesn't matter if it's country, hardcore, or rap, they go to every concert, and they kiss every lead singer or whoever they can find. No. I already get frustrated enough at concerts even without those horrible people. It's really annoying that all the other fans of my favorite bands are absolutely snobby stuck up jerks. It's great. Part of my problem is that I don't look like I'd like the music I like. I don't know what kind of music I look like I'd like, but it's not the kind I like. I don't fit in anywhere. *Cries*.
That's all.
For now.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Not About the Exception

For once I didn't want my misery, my day, to be about you. But of course it still is. At first my sorrows were from everyone but you --- my peers, my family, my teachers, my instructors, my failures as a person, my failures in ability. But of course I think of you, because you were the one who loved me despite it all. You were the exception.

My Friend

I wanna scream! I'm not just losing some stupid guy, I'm losing one of my best friends --- the one who was there for me when no one else was!!!!! He loved me when I hated myself. Now he's just disappeared and I don't know why. I refuse to blame myself though, like I always do. I did absolutely nothing wrong. I feel like maybe I'm getting too worked up, but we had just gotten so far...he cared about me, he really did. Now he's just gone. He's always leaving me...he's to blame, I can't keep shoving all this under the mat.
Maybe I need this break from him to figure things out on my own, but he needed me too. What's he up to? What's going on with him right now? What's holding him from me? Why is everything such a mystery? I refuse to call anymore. I've tried. There's no use making a fool of myself. There's no use chasing someone who won't chase you back. He must have a reason. He must. And if he doesn't, well he's a fool, and it's just as well. I'll move on. I'll be alone again. I might have one less friend. I'll have the memories. I can't control him though. That's just the thing. If they love you, they'll make an effort.

Destiny Undeserved

The older I become, the worse person I become. I've become a highly unlikable person, who's not easy to get along with. This isn't who I want to be. I've never wanted to be this way. I'd like to say society has made me what I am, but that would be admitting weakness, giving into this world, letting it change you. I haven't "conformed" to the world though, I've let it turn me into a cynic.
"To be great is to be misunderstood". I'm not great though. I'm a sinner. I'm not that smart. I'm not that special. I don't fit in. I have no great talent. I don't deserve fame. I don't deserve fortune. I don't even think I want it. But no one wants a mediocre life. Right now I have no effort to make anything of my life though. I hope that I'll find some inspiration somewhere. Maybe I'll be great if I ever get my act together.