Most Things on My Mind

Today's been overall a very thoughtful day. I was with my teammates going to an away meet. The drive was about an hour away. Surprisingly, I really fell in love with the area we were driving through. It was still considered part of the metro area, but it was like all these little wooded farms right on the side of the road. It wasn't really rural in my mind because houses and farms were consistently following one another. I always dream about the future. I'm not so much of a dreamer in the present or past, but when it comes to the future I am. I imagined myself moving out to the area with the guy I love. It would be great, just everything would be a ways away. That's what bothers me about myself. I can't ever just enjoy anything. I mean, this is a freaking fantasy, and I'm thinking "hmmm, well we'd better have good paying jobs to live this far out." Who cares about that, honestly?! Living out in the country with someone you love -- that's awesome! Who cares what you do for a living? You're in the beautiful country with someone you love!

http://b-womeninamericanhistory19.blogspot.com/2010/12/snowy-19th-century-american-countryside.html

I was having one of those days where you just realize how much of a loner you are. You know you're a loner when you can't even fit in on your own team. My closest friend on the team was being a player, flirting around, and gaming, like always. All the other people my age were listening to their music, talking to their friends, or falling all over my friend. I looked out the window silently, like always.
I love looking out the window. It really was a beautiful drive. It's just, humans are always searching for acceptance.

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTd-sxhmtQpr042FtC-IjMg6jcqVCtl9oOsf0rqm4hnVi895-oI6w

I really don't like anyone at my school, hardly even my friends most of the time. In some of my classes I literally sit in the back by myself when everyone else is in groups. It's just how it is. I'm through beating myself up for not talking to the snobs. Yeah, I should be less anti-social, but I should stop caring so much. I'll talk to someone if I feel like it. I'm done feeling obligated and crappy.

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQhYA4NfyDHcp1v5APqV5LejcclCTctRCiyf7aZTXYMXpmIW7lyPw

When I see other teams, I wish I went to their schools, that I was on their teams. They all seemed to be friends, all seemed to get along. They seemed to appreciate. They seemed not so stuck up. But they always say the grass in greener on the other side.

I go to Church. I know God's there. I know He's much larger than me. I know He's done great things for me, but right now it's hard for me to know much else. With all the things people say, it's hard to know what to believe anymore. For the first time I'm really questioning everything. I'll always believe though. I could never forget my love for God.

I think about the person I love. I don't see them much. Some times I feel really down because we're apart. What's the use of putting any effort into my appearance? What's the use of buying all these new clothes? There's only one person I care about looking nice for, and they already think I'm beautiful. But I tell myself, I need to do it for myself. I need to look good for myself. I can't live a life of reaction. I try to convince myself that I'd be, I am, fine without them. But once you're loved, that feeling never goes away.

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTiz9P0lU6D7HQowJcH8C5t7JdZX966Yz5mJ0bAl7WTwv9Z3_98nw

Beautiful

Never let anyone make you feel ugly. You are beautiful just the way you are.
First of all, it should just be put out there that I'm a horribly self-loathing-narcissist. Half the time I think I'm disgustingly ugly, the other half I think I'm gorgeous.
Beauty is really just an opinion, a mindset, in a way. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Everyone has their own definition of beauty. If you compare yourself to others you're going to get nowhere. Maybe if you're in a room of unhygienic people you'll feel beautiful. But perhaps if you're in a room filled with super models you'll feel ugly. A lot has to do with surroundings. True beauty comes from yourself though, the condition of your soul, your personality, and you present yourself to the world. Beauty through confidence shines brighter than through any appearance.
I've had people tell me that I'm ugly to my face. It's something that no one wants to hear and something that no one should have to. Maybe it doesn't sound that bad, but when people tell you that while you're still growing up, you'll believe it. I've lived my life believing that half the time I'm ugly, half the time that I'm beautiful, because people like my grandparents or older people would tell me that I was beautiful, while others told me or made me feel the opposite. But when you're growing up, who do you listen to, people your age, or older people? You're going to listen to the popular outspoken people your own age, because you fear them because they make you believe that they are superior.
If I could name one feature about myself that I like, I'd say that I like my smile. I like to smile. I like being happy. If I could transfer the confidence and radiance I have when I smile at myself in the mirror or at a friend, my whole life would be different. I compare myself to others though. I let myself be influenced by the people around me. I let myself believe that I'm not as good as them, not as pretty; ugly.
I'm going to change though. I'm not going to live my life any longer in fear of what others think, because in all honesty no one really cares. Everyone's so wrapped in themselves, you could really mean less to most people. You need to live for yourself, love yourself, until love is sewn into your destiny. Don't get me wrong though, you need to help others, trust others, but you must learn to love yourself first. Treat yourself and others as God would.
You are beautiful, you are God's child. You are made in His Image. Never forget it. You can shine because God's Light is within you. You just need to let it out and lead the way for others.

Oh, Well, Still Good

"Disappointments are just God's way of saying: 'I've got something better for you.' "
Haha, this quote would have been good the other day, but is still true nonetheless.