What to do?

What do you do when your best friend finds a new best friend? I've had it that my former best friends didn't consider me their best friends, but this friend is just the greatest person and I love them more than anything and I don't think I'll ever be able to find anyone I could love anymore. I feel bad feeling jealous or whatever I'm feeling. My friend is happy. I like the other person she's now so close to. It's just that my friends have all these other friends that for some reason I've just never gotten to know. They put up with me, some of them invite me to stuff, but I think it's just because I'm friends with their friends. I don't want that kind of friendship. But I really don't have that many friends. It takes a lot for someone to be a friend in my mind. My best friend is pretty much my only real friend at school. It makes me sad to think about. She's the only one I feel comfortable around, being myself. Then I might have one other friend in the whole world, but I never even see her. These are just awful feelings. She deserves this friend. I wish I could just let it go, but I can't. I want to be her best friend. She'll always be mine.

http://www.helpothers.org/story.php?sid=29991

I feel like we've been drifting apart for awhile, this year really. I haven't even known her two years though. But the short time I've known her, she's become my definition of friendship. We have everything in common and are almost like twins in the sense that we say the same things at the same time, we're always thinking the same things, and feeling the same. No one will ever be able to understand me like her. This year I just feel so stupid though. I talk a lot. Like a lot, a lot. I tell her everything. She knows so many details about my life. I feel like I'm just bothering her though, like I'm drowning her in my problems. Everyone likes her. No one really likes me. She can get out there and talk to people if she needs to. That's the difference between us. No one cares about me. Everyone loves her though. She's like the better version of me. Her stories are funnier, she's nicer, she's smarter, she has better style...she's just so much fun to be around! And me, I'm just a basket case. I'm so lucky to have a friend like her. Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I haven't appreciated her enough. All I know is that I can't lose her.

Lovely Christmas

It's crazy when at those moments in your life when you're in such an intense relationship, whether it be friendship or more, and you can miss someone who freely misses you in return.

Love: a feeling of mutual concern and hope for the best of another. 

Moments apart feel like years.
Smiles appear on your face just thinking about them.
They make you happy.

New Friend:
You understand me
You like the same quirky things as me
You put up with shopping with me for hours
You're inspired by me
You trust me
You speak your mind
I admire you

Look past the outward appearance, see into the heart

Back and Better?

It's funny how it'll happen. I'll think about him for days and days, no sign of life, no contact. And then out of the blue he'll try talking to me and I'll have walked away from the screen! But this time I think he's back for awhile, hopefully better than ever too. We had a good conversation. It wasn't forced. It was easy. We were friends. Neither of us were really pushing for more. We can say we miss each other because it's true. We are some of each others closest friends after all. He said he'll talk to me again very soon. It's hard being friends only hearing from each other every few weeks. I hope he keeps his word. He's made other promises to see me. I'd like it to happen, and this time I almost believe it's true. But I won't put all my faith in him. I can't just forget.  I think things will take a turn for the better. :)

It's about learning to forgive,
not forget,
but to move on,
to give another chance,
even if now I can't even keep track of how many I've given.

What I Have

I was saying how I had hardly any friends the other day. Then I decided to count and I had quite a few! I have more friends than I've ever had, yet I complain about hardly having any. Some of them I don't talk to that often, which is what it is. But then I feel like a lot of them I don't know that well. I define true friendship differently than others might. Like, I wrote in one girl's yearbook once that I hoped to get to know her more the next year, and then she wrote in mine that she was glad she had gotten to know me. I still feel like I hardly know her...true friendship in my mind requires being able to hold deep conversations together. That's hard to find these days. I'm constantly surrounded by people who aren't the handful of people I can somewhat consider friends. This gets me down as I see everyone else who has no problem getting along with everyone. Everyone laughs and appears to be friends with everyone while I stand alone. I feel like a lot of the people I know aren't going to be there for me down the road or already aren't, but they're what I have. I should be grateful. I don't want to just leave them, but I think I want to take the risk to find more, better friends. I get discouraged easily. I know that there's still good people out there, but I just don't end up getting to know the people I want to and am surrounded by people I don't care for. Why is it like this? I suppose I just have to accept that it's a challenge God has given me.

Cut to A Brief Thought

These past few days I've had so much on my mind...I don't know if there's ever been this much on my mind. It would take hours to write about it all and I don't feel like depressing myself all over again. So I'll just briefly rant about this:
Over the past few weeks I've been getting to know this one guy and he's awesome, I love absolutely everything about him, he's hilarious, he's nice, he's just amazing. It's hard to describe how epic he is. He's that type of guy thought that everyone loves, that's friends with everyone. I'd say that we're friends. I've probably talked to him more than any other guy before. I know what you're thinking, you think that I'm falling for him. See, that's just the thing, I feel like I should because he's so awesome, but I only see him as a friend. He doesn't like me, so the question is, why do I worry so much about this? I don't know how I feel about him, but I really want him to pay attention to me, to like me. He likes talking to other people a lot more than me. I'm not all that interesting, I understand, but I just want him to like me...I don't have all that many friends. I'm a clingy person...I need people to stick by me all the time. That's why friends are so hard for me to find. I'm somewhat demanding. I'm not okay with people jumping between cliques, like he does...I want him to stay with me and my friends. I'm selfish...but he's just so awesome and fun to talk to.
It makes me sad, everyone loves this kid, yet he complains about having no friends, about no one asking him to events. There's another guy that I've mentioned before that I have feelings for, who's also like this. Both of these guys are really ticking me off. Both have tons of friends, they just refuse to realize it. The other guy, people are always asking him how he is, telling him to call them, but he never does. I haven't talked to him in over a week...if he doesn't want to talk to me, he should just say so. It would save us both so much trouble...But back to the kid. I invited him to go to a thing with me, but because we're friends he didn't think I was serious. It didn't bother me that much, but grr, he's still complaining about people never inviting him to anything! I just did!
Oh, man, I need to stop letting other people bother me so much!

I can almost see the chains linking me to you

I hold the key, not you

But I’m so used to these restrictions by now

I’m used to bending down to you,

Yearning for you attention, For your praise


I’m sorry that I’m not good enough for you,

Even though I give you everything you want

I know I’m not meant for you,

But you’re all I have


I should move on,

I should be strong,

We’d both be just fine on our own,

But you chain me to you with those words,

The ones you don’t even know you say,

But speak to my heart.


I know I'm young,

I know I'm dumb,

but how you treat me still matters


I don't know if we're friends or not anymore, if we ever were,

if it was just a convenient word to describe us, or what,

but friend is a noun, not an adjective.

A Night of Missing and Music

So I've been missing a certain person lately. These songs sort of reflect some of what I'm Feeling:

"My Favorite Dream" by Mae

(Just discovered their music tonight)

"Wish You Were Here" by Hey Monday. (A beloved band to me).

(And just saying, I don't own the music/videos in any way)

It's that whole idea that you'll find someone that means so much to you, but deep down you know that you mean nothing close to them as to what they mean to you.
Not hearing from someone for over a week drives me crazy. I'll come up with wild ideas why they haven't tried talking to me.

I feel like I'm drifting away from a beloved friend. Distance always seems to do that... =P But we were never even that close to begin with...it seems like this just isn't meant to be...but then why did it get so far?

It's painful. I realize that my emotions might not be mutual(...then was I being led on?) I'm left wondering; left to be cautious. It's really quite cruel. They made promises to me...they never keep them! I should know better to always fall back into their tricks, but they're just so genuine, and I want to love them so much!
I feel like if I'm not on their mind every few days, they'll/ have forgotten about me.
What hurts the most though is the uncertainty. I don't know if they're worth missing, if my emotions for them are strong enough to make any effort at all.

It's probably best to just let this person go, like I let "him" go...but I don't want this person to be another "him". I want a friendship to last. I know that they're better. But they're not nearly good enough...

To Be A Friend

It really doesn't take that much to be a friend. Haha, that's an odd thing to hear from me. I'm terribly shy. But occasionally I'll meet a person and I'll just know that we'll be friends, and we might become friends. You need to smile and wave when you see them, show genuine interest, invite them to things, make them feel included, and offer to go with them places or help them. You should ask how their day is going and wish them luck with their events. Even if you don't have much in common, if you display loyalty, their trust is yours.
:)

A Better Day: Morals

Today I didn't feel to depressed. Sure, there were lonely and insecure moments, but there always are. My friends' support was still there. Things are looking up, though still no where near perfect, but they're on the way to making sense. I talked to a couple people today, which is big for me, though only for a little bit. As long as I make progress it's a good day. Sometimes I feel so unworthy and ugly compared to other people, but I know I'm not. If I believe in myself people will come to respect me. Things are the way they are because of me. It's my own fault, it always has been. There's no use blaming others, you have to take responsibility for your own life.
I've been reading about "morality" the past couple days. Morals are the values you hold that you use to make the decisions that form who you are. It's time to find better morals. It's about taking who you are and looking at who you want to be. You can never be anyone but yourself though. You can always improve yourself though. There's always going to be an imperfection. You just need to give life your best shot, and you'll be alright.

A Tearful Day With A Happy Ending

So today has been a horrible day for me. I don't think I've ever really cried in public, but I did today. I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle my new burdens and challenges, but I feel better now. My friends have consoled me. I put up a status on Facebook I was so depressed. I'm not one to share my feelings with the world, but today I just felt the need. I don't like to cry out for attention like that, but I guess I did today, and I do feel better. It's great to hear from friends you sort of forgot about, tell you that they love and care about you. There's hard times ahead, but maybe with my friends' support I'll be able to make it through. The people who cheer you up when you're down are your true friends.
I'll keep fighting.

Compliments Are Worth Something

One of the best feelings in the world is feeling like you're worth something, like someone needs you. The best words to hear are "you are truly amazing" and "I can't thank you enough, you're a great friend!". Never hesitate to compliment someone. Words can have huge effects on people. You can raise people up or bring them down. We should never desire to bring anyone down. Let's join together to compliment each other. Thank you for reading this, you're an amazing person!

Whenever someone comes to you seeking advice and consoling, never turn them away. It takes a lot of guts to come out and share your problems with others. We remember who was there for us and who wasn't in our time of need. We need to be there for each other.

Let's go out and "be the change" we "want to see in the world" ! We need to "do little things with great love" !

Crazy End of the Summer Times

This end of the summer is a crazy time. Friends are fighting, feeling ignored and bullied, hurt and crying. I'm saying my last goodbyes. I'm not crying though. It's just the beginning. Things are a little rough now, well they always are, things are a little worse right now than usual, but I won't let this bother me. I've always been that girl on the sidelines, never getting involved. I'm not about to throw myself head into battles and provoke arguments though like my friends are lately. I'll stay that person everyone can trust, give advice, listen, and if someone does something deliberately to hurt me, then I'll do something. It's hard wanting to be friends with anyone right now seeing how they treat others, but until they hurt me personally, I can't just say I hate them. I'll speak when spoken to, but I'm not making any effort to befriend anyone who makes no effort to be my friend, and cusses out others.

Relationships are falling apart. It's for the best really. Why tie yourself down to someone who cares so little for you, who ignores you? Let yourself free if you're not happy, if you're not in love, if you don't feel like yourself anymore. If you've made tireless effort and have bore no fruit, maybe it's time to move on. Maybe it's not, don't listen to me, I know little about things like this. Somethings just aren't meant to be though. People and their desires change. It might not be your fault, but maybe it is. Be happy though despite all, live your life.

A very stressful thing is waiting for people to get back to you on something. You can sit and fret about it for hours, but it's not going to do anything. The best thing is to really just continue on living as before. Tell yourself, hey, if this happens, that's just wonderful, but if it doesn't, I guess it isn't the end of the world. I struggle with this, but right now I'm actually feeling just fine, knowing that it really isn't the end of the world. We can spend our entire lives waiting if we really want to. The trick is how we spend our time waiting.

End of Summer Ties

Summer should be spent with friends. Maybe not everyday, but every summer you have to have one of those nights you spend just talking for hours on end. Laugh at jokes, cry at heartache, give advice, just be there and listen to one another. Find those people who have your back and are willing to support you. This group will most likely gain and lose a few members over time, but never give up faith in your friends. 

Surround yourself with people who love you for who you truly are, people who think you're beautiful despite all your flaws. Once someone else can tell you it, you can start to believe it yourself. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You're lovable in every way. 

You're going to come across a few rotten apples, some people who try to bring you down. Don't fall with them though. People change and there's little you can do about it. You can't let yourself live in the past. You're so much better off without certain people. Everything happens for a reason. Yell at them if they deserve it, but never become one of them. Embrace yourself fully, who you are, who you can be. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not good enough. Ban together with your friends, with yourself if no one else, and enjoy the battle. Enjoy standing up for yourself. The world's against you, but hey, you've found yourself and that's all that really matters. You can't let yourself conform to the hate. Love yourself, love others, love everything. Love them despite the things they say and do. Love that they hate you. You're better then them. You know you are.