Cut to A Brief Thought

These past few days I've had so much on my mind...I don't know if there's ever been this much on my mind. It would take hours to write about it all and I don't feel like depressing myself all over again. So I'll just briefly rant about this:
Over the past few weeks I've been getting to know this one guy and he's awesome, I love absolutely everything about him, he's hilarious, he's nice, he's just amazing. It's hard to describe how epic he is. He's that type of guy thought that everyone loves, that's friends with everyone. I'd say that we're friends. I've probably talked to him more than any other guy before. I know what you're thinking, you think that I'm falling for him. See, that's just the thing, I feel like I should because he's so awesome, but I only see him as a friend. He doesn't like me, so the question is, why do I worry so much about this? I don't know how I feel about him, but I really want him to pay attention to me, to like me. He likes talking to other people a lot more than me. I'm not all that interesting, I understand, but I just want him to like me...I don't have all that many friends. I'm a clingy person...I need people to stick by me all the time. That's why friends are so hard for me to find. I'm somewhat demanding. I'm not okay with people jumping between cliques, like he does...I want him to stay with me and my friends. I'm selfish...but he's just so awesome and fun to talk to.
It makes me sad, everyone loves this kid, yet he complains about having no friends, about no one asking him to events. There's another guy that I've mentioned before that I have feelings for, who's also like this. Both of these guys are really ticking me off. Both have tons of friends, they just refuse to realize it. The other guy, people are always asking him how he is, telling him to call them, but he never does. I haven't talked to him in over a week...if he doesn't want to talk to me, he should just say so. It would save us both so much trouble...But back to the kid. I invited him to go to a thing with me, but because we're friends he didn't think I was serious. It didn't bother me that much, but grr, he's still complaining about people never inviting him to anything! I just did!
Oh, man, I need to stop letting other people bother me so much!

A Monday Tuesday

I spent the past 6 days doing pretty much nothing...but now it's back to work, to reality, and it sucks. It wasn't exactly what I would call fun going from 10ish hours of sleep to 7ish. But what can you do? It's my reality now once again, I have to face it.
And to make the reality check more intense...it's production week!!!! Friday's opening night...oh, snap.
I was going through boxes of shoes, which were all too small, and amazingly I found a pair of shoes I loved in my size! They were these saddle type shoes, but heels, and painted light pink. Pretty amazing.
I also like one of my all white costumes I wear for all of five seconds, but I will enjoy those 5 seconds. (I also wear the shoes during the same 5 second time ;). It shall be a wondrous 5 seconds.
Everything was slow today...I'm hoping it speeds up a bit, but at the same time, I don't want to miss anything.
Today I thought to myself many times "You should speak up, make some conversation". But then I was like "Meh, I'm too tired...what's the use? I don't feel like it." That's not a good attitude to have...but at least I actually felt like I should say something. Usually I just stand around wishing I could say something, but find no opportunity.
Don't be like me, just speak up and grab every opportunity that comes your way!!!!!

Stolen Pleasures

Have you heard Hot Chelle Rae's new song, "I Like it Like That"? If not, I'd highly suggest giving it a listen. I've been a fan of the band for a few years now and I'll admit that the first time I heard it, I was not digging it. It was a new sound for them. But today, oh my, I've listened to it so many times...I can't get it out of my head! I'm obsessed!
I woke up to see their new song being talked about MTV so I decided to listen to it again, give it another chance. I'm still getting used to Hot Chelle Rae being mainstream or whatever, but I still love them to pieces. One of my all time favorite songs is by them, "Bleed". A few months back, I was shocked when I heard "Tonight Tonight" on the radio and people knowing who they were. It wasn't that they didn't have the potential, because trust me, they do! They're a great band! They deserve the fame! I just couldn't believe that a band I actually liked was popular, haha. You always hear about people being all like "I used to love that band, but now they're popular and I hate them! The world stole them from me! They went mainstream!". I'd never been one of those people. I didn't know what it was like to have an underground band of my enjoyment to become mainstream, I usually would find out about bands a few years after some mark of success. I was ticked off at first, but I've come to accept HCR's fame. I'm glad that other people are enjoying their talent.

New Look

You may notice that Uncertain Knight has a new look. I liked the previous look, but I guess I'm trying to display that our battle is out there in the everyday world, hence this new background.
I often wrestle over what exactly I should use this blog for. So far it's been more for general situations and emotions more than actual events going on in my life. I sort of like having it so I can just concentrate on the emotions of situations, but at the same time it would be nice to go more into situations...so I'm not sure exactly what I'll do with this...
Anyways, I'm in a pretty good mood for once, amazing, yes. I went out driving today, went to the comic shop, and that's about it, but it was a pretty decent day. I love getting out of the house.
So it really bothers me, there's this person I care a lot about, I tried "talking" to them the other day and they said they'd be right back, and of course they never came back. This bothers me a lot, it happens to me all the time, but I didn't let it bother me too much that time. But then apparently this person is all depressed and stuff, thinks they have no friends. It makes me want to scream! I was there, trying to talk to them! They could talk to me any time and they know it! They do it to themselves! Ahhh! People don't realize what they have until it's gone. One day I'll leave and he'll miss me, maybe as much as I miss him...

Shut the...

It really bothers me when people don't know how to shut up. Yes, I can blab quite a bit myself, but that's to my friends. I know some people who will just go on and on to people they don't even know. And then they cut people off. They don't let them get a word in. You don't have to comment on every little thing...
I don't even know why I just wrote all of that above. That issue bothers me every instant of every day.
It just bothers me that I can't enjoy myself because someone will be talking so much I can't think straight. I want my happiness to depend on myself, not the people and circumstances around me.
Also, not everything is a conspiracy. Some people think everything is. It's just plain annoying. Not everyone is out to get you. Not everyone is intelligent. Not everyone cares.

I can almost see the chains linking me to you

I hold the key, not you

But I’m so used to these restrictions by now

I’m used to bending down to you,

Yearning for you attention, For your praise


I’m sorry that I’m not good enough for you,

Even though I give you everything you want

I know I’m not meant for you,

But you’re all I have


I should move on,

I should be strong,

We’d both be just fine on our own,

But you chain me to you with those words,

The ones you don’t even know you say,

But speak to my heart.


I know I'm young,

I know I'm dumb,

but how you treat me still matters


I don't know if we're friends or not anymore, if we ever were,

if it was just a convenient word to describe us, or what,

but friend is a noun, not an adjective.

Wowzers Day

Today has been quite the amazing day.
In gym today, dodge-ball was being played. I do not like dodge-ball at all. This is because I can't throw, aim, or catch. So I always end up last, which is just humiliating. I thought we'd put dodge-ball behind us in grade school...apparently not.
Anyhow, of course we had captains picking teams. Of course I'm picked last. It's wasn't surprising. It's been like that my entire life. The instructor we had today though, last time we played a game with captains, made it so that no one was picked last. He's stop the captains from their choices when there would be about six of us left, so no one would be singled out at last. I appreciated that. I was sort of ticked off that he hadn't done that today, but life goes on.
So, now the important part:
There's a guy in my class I sort of have feelings for. I'm on his team. Once I get automatically added to his team since I was last, he exclaims, "And we've got Magdalena! Whooo! Let's go baby!"
I found this amusing. Of course he was just being his usual energetic self, but it made me happy to know that he actually knew my name, and use "baby" in the same string of phrases.
Then a ball hit me near my head, my hair actually haha, and he was like "That was a hair shot! She's safe!". I found this amusing as well.
I've been reading some books lately that have mentioned that if you want to be happy or get anywhere in life, you first need to establish what you want and where you want to go. I mean, think about it, if you don't know what you want, how are you ever going to be satisfied? So today I decided to try the theory out. As we were playing dodge-ball, the guy I am amused by is out (because he does style shots and gets hit about every five seconds). So I tell myself that I want to catch a ball so that he can come back in. I've like never caught a ball in my life during any game like this. No joke. Amazingly, guess what happens next? A ball sort of hits me in the neck/face, bounces off me and another girl catches it. Then that guy is in. Coincidence? I think not. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. Then, to prove this point further, the next game I think to myself again, I want to catch a ball and get him back in. Guess what happens? I actually catch a ball on my own! It was amazing! And then he was back in! :D Yes, life is awesome.
Then, as if life hasn't been interesting enough today, in my public speaking class, I wanted to give my speech next, and as I'm thinking this, my teacher calls my name to go next! I kid thee not!
That class went well for me today. I gave a speech I'd only read once, that I wrote in 20 minutes a few days previously. I got an awesome response, as I looked out at my audience I saw shock and awe in their eyes and they applauded me quite loudly. Everyone loved the speech, even those who disagreed with the content. But my favorite part of my critique was that my instructor said that I basically frightened him with my sternness. Oh, how I do love public speaking...it's the only chance I get to yell at people and assert authority.I feel like I'm bragging now, but I'm sorry, public speaking is one of the not so many things I'm good at.
So that has been my day! It's been quite amazing! I strongly encourage you to set positive goals for yourself and focus on them! I'm usually pessimistic, but it worked even for me!

So Wrong and Right

It's one of those moments during the quiet period after a fight, but still in the middle, before it's thoroughly over and fought. I'm wrong. What they said was completely true, but you know what? I'm right too. It's everyone's fault, but at the same time everyone's right. Yes, I complain about absolutely everything, you're right. I'm shy and hateful. You're right. I don't appreciate anything. You're right. Now what more do you want from me? I'm not going to say I'm sorry. I'm not even going to try to argue. At this point you're so worked up that you wouldn't even listen. And that's your main problem: you don't listen. You mean well, but you over-do everything. Lately you've been driving me crazy, and you don't even seem to care. You can't buy my trust and love in you. You have to earn it. You never change. You always go back to your old ways, and worsen even further in the direction I warned you of. I criticize too much, it's true. But everyone always pushes me around and you're the only one I can take it out on. I'm sorry, okay? I'm crying right now. Are you happy now? I know you don't need this crap right now. You're just trying to be loving and friendly, but we've never been close. You said some harsh things to me tonight. You've never been that mean to me. I deserved every word. Every word is true. I'm completely wrong, but I am still right, and so are you. We're different people. We aren't going to agree. Why can't you accept that? You say you won't change for anything, I should leave you alone. Well maybe I don't intend on changing either. We're being hypocrites. Why don't we just end this? I know you mean well. I get it, okay? Just, would it be so hard to ask me first? Why is everything a secret lately? Well, I know it's because you know I'll say no. But how is going behind my back going to gain you any trust? I'm not really sad and I'm not really mad. I feel still. I know it'll be okay. I'm selfish, I'm a brat, but I already know that. You just told me who I knew I already am. How can I be all that offended? I hope this will blow over, but we should have seen this coming. I was ready to blow up all day, but instead you did. I'm sorry, you're right, but so am I.

A Summarized Evening

Rawr. I'm sorta ticked off, but already sorta to the "I don't even care" point. So this relative of mine told this guy that I refused to do something for this other person and asked if they would do it because I wouldn't. Now I look like a horrible person in that guy's mind, more than I already am. I have a a terrible shyness around them and probably come off incredibly arrogant and cold. But anyways, I'm just super ticked off. So that guy was like hey, she can do that, then told me I should do it, but then tried to guilt trip me with the "you can do whatever you want" line and a five minute lecture. So now I'm basically forced to do this favor that I thought I refused to do, about six months ago. I was shocked to hear it brought up. Some people never drop anything.
I'm aware that this is so summarized, it probably makes no sense. Sorry. It's hard to explain, but I just have to at least try to express this to get my frustration out.

Just Plain, Just Existing

Do you ever feel like sometimes no one is seeing for you really are; like you're invisible? Do you ever feel plain and unworthy? Do you feel like you're just surviving? Well, I feel like that quite often anyways, though I try not to when I can help it. There are few people I talk to, it's just my fate that I'm not usually surrounded by the people I want to be. Most of my day I spend silently, cynically, watching. I watch other people with friends laugh and socialize. I just watch. I don't even really try to jump in. Maybe that's my own fault. But they have their friends, I have mine, they're just never around...
I don't like being looked at as the loner all the time. It bothers me how there will be plenty of people who sit quietly in class by themselves, and they're not accused of being strange, yet I am. Why me? I'm awkward and I know it. I'm insecure about every move I make. I'm afraid to even reach into my bag. That's how bad things are at times. I don't like most other people. I don't know why I let the fear of their opinion bother me so much. I'm striving to just attack life head on and act as I please, though still with moral decision of course. I just am tired of feeling constrained; not being who I am.
I feel like I'm in a rut. I wake up the same time, arrive the same time, eat at the same times all everyday. I'm blending in to the dreary pattern of life. I want to be fully submerged into every moment, fully awake, fully alive. I don't want to be this walking zombie. I don't want to be awkward and weird like everyone thinks I am. I want them to see me for who I really am. I don't know why I don't let them. I don't like them anyway. I've never fit in, why do I act like I'm trying to?
I hadn't even intended to write about this topic. It' always on my mind...I could go on forever...it's odd how I'd been having a pretty decent day, then out of the blue I felt invisible once again...
One day the world will see me.

So much to say, so little time

I'd love to just sit here and write for hours.
Writing is my passion. I haven't just sat down and written in weeks...I feel majorly deprived. I pulled up my largest scale in-progress novel that I hadn't looked at in months. I've decided to switch to a narrator rather than have first person. This will be a decent sized task to fix, but I'll enjoy every moment of it, because I love my characters so much. Writing is my escape.
I was really hoping I'd have time to write this weekend, but that never happened. I'm up later than I should be right now and I still haven't finished all the things I should. Ugh...there's always something more to do. There's always another assignment, another test, exam. And then if I somehow miraculously finished all of that, there's my countless novels to be written. There's the library books to read that are overdue. There are the books I've promised friends that I'd read. There's that new album by that band I want to listen to. There's that essay my friend sent me to edit. There's that friend you haven't talked to in weeks and you know probably would like to hear from you. There's laundry. There's those 20 manga series you read. There's that television show's new episode tonight....the list could go on and on. I always have all of these things on my mind, but tonight it's been bothering me more than usual.
There's been a lot on my mind, but I don't have time to talk about it all.
I'll try my best to try to catch up on my thoughts throughout the week.