A turning point?

It's strange. I feel like I've come to a turning point in my life. This morning I was literally awoken to a nightmare. Almost everything I hold dear was being threatened to be taken away from me. I spent the day agonizing over my punishment and what my life would become. I almost had breakdowns multiple times. I almost poured my heart out to someone who never gives me the chance to speak. I left for work feeling somewhat composed, but I soon became seriously depressed. I almost felt ill I was so sad. I've never really ever seriously considered suicide before, but I thought to myself "If I felt like I do right now everyday there's just no way I would be able to go one living" it wasn't that I wanted to think that or that I want to kill myself, it's just that that is seriously how bad I was feeling. That's how much this matters to me. The last few days have been sorta crazy. I've gone from falling in love yet again with the guy I thought I was over to weeping about being stuck in the friendzone, agonizing on how to get out of it, feeling like crap, begging anyone who would listen for advice, to yelling at him, and then to laughing it all off.


And then I meet him...my Scandy Dream. I already knew him, I just didn't know him.
He's a simple type. He told me everything I'd ever wanted to hear within moments he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Obviously this isn't for real. But I wouldn't really mind. At this point I basically didn't know him at all. But when you're stuck in hopeless love marrying the first stranger who pays you a compliment doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I'm just crazy, but the thought was alright to me. Devoting your life to someone you neither love nor hate...it might not be so bad. Better than heartache, right? It's pretty sad, I know.

http://letsgetmarriedeveryone.tumblr.com/

But this guy, he gets it. He gets it better than that stupid one-night-rave-date guy. I didn't think anyone would be able to top his smooth cheesy pick-up lines. You see, rave boy got it. He picked up right away. That light bulb in his simple dull little head lit up and said "A girl just asked me to dance. I'm a guy. I'm attracted to women. She's not totally ugly. This could be alright. I'm at a convention. She likes the same things as me! Score!"
Maybe it's shallow, but at least he picked up quicker than any other guy thrown in my life. And that's what made me miss him. Someone had never complimented me so much in my life as he did in that one night. I didn't really even like him. But it didn't matter. Someone finally got it.

http://saucesome.net/pic/tag/color

But Scandy as I'll call him, gets it. He gets it better than I think anyone ever will. He put the pieces together real fast. Maybe not as fast as Rave Boy, but he sees the picture much clearer. He's not just in this for one night.
You know someone's special when you fit their type so perfectly they express desire to marry (when they hate the idea of marriage) within about 3 minutes of talking to you. I mean, I'd talked to him before but the conversation had just never sparked. But I think we've got it now.

An instant friendship and attraction was born. But it's not like one I've ever had before. It's a love I've never felt before.

http://s492.photobucket.com/albums/rr285/spreckis-pics/?action=view&current=robot-1.jpg&newest=1

As it turns out he's totally my type. Broke, foreign, older than me, a metal head, a gamer, an otaku, witty, pervy, nationalistic, and creative. You'd think I'd fall head over heels in love with this discovery but for some reason I didn't. I was asking myself why I wasn't. Maybe it's because I'd been moaning hopelessly in love with my forever friendzoner. Maybe it's because I'm actually in love with my friendzoner...that's a crazy thought.
But anyways, it was more just curiosity and admiration than anything.
The first thing he told me was that he found me attractive. The last thing he told me was that I was beautiful, no lie, and that I better never forget it.

He made me want to smile. He made me want to love myself again. I didn't feel ashamed or self-conscious before him like I do before my Friendzoner. I felt like I owed to happiness to myself and him for making it possible for me. He saw something in me I couldn't see in myself.

http://havepleasureinmakingsomeonesmile.blogspot.com/

He greets me today, telling me I'm beautiful.
As it turns out we're both stuck in the friendzone. It's an odd concept...two people in love with people they can't have, coming together to share an odd friendship/attraction. I don't think there's a word for what we have. It's not bad though...

http://www.ehow.com/info_8056303_ideas-win-him-back.html

Today was a reality check.

Today I'm changing my outlook.

I'm not going to spend my life dreaming up dreams that'll never come true.
I'm not going to lie to myself any longer.

http://thaleia.wordpress.com/2009/05/25/shattered-mirror/

If I'm here and they're there, it's not gonna work.
If I'm this age and he's that age, it's not gonna work out.

It's sad but it's true.

I'm not going to make a fool of myself though.

http://media.photobucket.com/image/splattered%20heart/Dr_pepper0221/icons/Heart10.gif?o=11

I don't know what love is.

I'm gonna stop pretending I do.
My feelings change with each passing day.
I'm not gonna pressure myself to fall in love.
I'm not gonna question myself.
I'm gonna let what happens happen.

http://banksystreetart.tumblr.com/post/414398636/allnewscene-reaching-for-or-letting-go-of

My life still may end, but I'm just gonna have to roll with it and make do with whatever's left. But I'll be happy while I can.


I'm not gonna live for them anymore.
I'm gonna give them space.
I'm gonna keep them close, but comfortable.


I don't know how I feel about Scandy exactly. But there's no way he'll be interested in me since he sees everything so clearly. And I just have to accept that. We can be friends...plus more, but less than what society thinks. We can support each other and joke around to keep each other smiling. It doesn't have to make sense. It just has to be.

I find it funny

I find it funny how a few years ago when I first got a Facebook that no one, absolutely no one liked or commented on any of my things, for years. Mainly because I was a confused angsty child who couldn't pull of emo...or anything else for that matter. Sure, I'd comment stupid things on other people's stuff, but they'd never comment on mine. In their defense, I was silly...it's actually really embarrassing. I've since tried to be more cautious of how much of my stupidity I share with the world. It's actually sad though how a minute after I put something up I'll feel like it was stupid. I just don't know how to say anything without sounding stupid...I find it amazing that I actually made a few friends online though haha. I have no idea how people could have taken me seriously. But a few did. It's crazy to think of how much I've grown up in the past few years. You can really see that through writing. Every day I mature a little bit.
Now lots of people like and comment on my stuff. It actually blows my mind. All these people that I'm not necessarily friends with, that I don't comment or like any of their stuff. It's like the tables have turned. It's crazy. People have decided to be nice and I've turned cold. It's the irony of my life.

 

http://www.lindsayblogs.com/2011/08/12/baby-growing/ 

Get over it

I can tell myself I'm over it, I'm not living in the past, all I want, but it's not true. If I was I wouldn't be so prejudiced against so many people. I'd be nicer. I'd be happier. I need to move on. I need to forget about the people that've hurt me. I've grown up, I've learned. So have they, and if they haven't, well they'll always be horrible I guess. But I need to be a better person and stop treating others poorly because people used to treat me poorly. I can't let myself stoop to their level and dwell on things that happened years ago. Because right now people are being nice to me and I'm treating them coldly. What happened to that nice person I used to be, if I ever was? It's time to change.

http://www.healthydivaeats.com/2012/02/sunday-smiles.html

People Around Me

What is wrong with me? I have friends! It's crazy, all of a sudden everyone misses me and wants to do stuff with me, even people I haven't seen in years! Why? Who really knows. But it makes me feel rather loved, almost normal. It always seems like everyone else is always hanging out with their friends. Not me. But this weekend I've got like a million things to do with people!
It's strange, lately all the people I absolutely couldn't stand, I'm actually just accepting. But then people I thought seemed okay, are really bothering me. How does that work? I'm just glad I'm coming to accept people as they are. (Though maybe that's a bad thing?)
I may not talk to everyone, but I shouldn't let it get me down. I do have friends. I might not talk to them that often, but I guess I just have to suck it up and live life for myself.
Haha, I was listening to the Eagles's song "Take it Easy". I love these lines:
"Well, I'm running down the road
tryin' to loosen my load
I've got seven women on my mind,
Four that wanna own me,
Two that wanna stone me,
One says she's a friend of mine,
Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels
Drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don't even try to understand
Just find a place to take your stand
and take it easy"

At first you think whoa, seven women...but then you think and in my case I can think of seven guys hahaha. I mean just that I have crushes on or did or whatever. I can't really relate to the "wanna own" stuff though. But the last part about spinning your wheels, that's just deep. It's honest. It's true. Let it soak in.

Thinking Things over...:/

I'm considering leaving you as you are, just as I did with him. I was so convinced that I was in love with him. I knew he didn't love me though. I stopped trying to see if he would make an effort. He made none. We haven't spoken in months. That's just how it is. Occasionally I'll think of him. I don't miss him though. I don't miss being unappreciated. At the time I couldn't live without him, but now I am and I'm doing just fine.
I found you and thought that everything was alright once again, my friend, the guy that's there to listen to me. You have so many things in common with him, but you're so much better too. With him, I made all the effort. With you, you always make the first move. You're more of a man than he'll ever be even though you act more like a child than he.
Times have changed, looking back I see how much I've grown up and I know that I'll just keep growing. I'm not going to make the same mistakes that I made with him. Sometimes I wonder if you care, always breaking your promises. I know that's just how you are, but sometimes it hurts seeing the real you.
I don't know what I want. I almost want to be rid of you. You're not part of my here and now. You're far away, but I don't want to let you go. Who else do I have? I don't want to waste my time though. But I hate being alone. I want to be with you again, I want to hear the truth. I can handle it, I just need to know what it is, or what it was. I'm afraid your mind might or has changed. I'm not sure what I want to hear, but I want to hear something, so I can stop wondering, so I can make peace, let myself fall for you, or let you go. Right now it's all in your hands...I have little choice. If you let me go, it's your own fault due to your own errors.
I've come to accept that I never loved him, I had merely made an idol out of him. You're a hope, a somewhat attainable dream, a desire, a fantasy. I know I don't love you though. Back then I thought I was so in love, I felt so strongly for him, and now knowing that it was nothing near love, I can only imagine how forceful and life changing love really is and I look forward to the day I find it.