A turning point?

It's strange. I feel like I've come to a turning point in my life. This morning I was literally awoken to a nightmare. Almost everything I hold dear was being threatened to be taken away from me. I spent the day agonizing over my punishment and what my life would become. I almost had breakdowns multiple times. I almost poured my heart out to someone who never gives me the chance to speak. I left for work feeling somewhat composed, but I soon became seriously depressed. I almost felt ill I was so sad. I've never really ever seriously considered suicide before, but I thought to myself "If I felt like I do right now everyday there's just no way I would be able to go one living" it wasn't that I wanted to think that or that I want to kill myself, it's just that that is seriously how bad I was feeling. That's how much this matters to me. The last few days have been sorta crazy. I've gone from falling in love yet again with the guy I thought I was over to weeping about being stuck in the friendzone, agonizing on how to get out of it, feeling like crap, begging anyone who would listen for advice, to yelling at him, and then to laughing it all off.


And then I meet him...my Scandy Dream. I already knew him, I just didn't know him.
He's a simple type. He told me everything I'd ever wanted to hear within moments he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Obviously this isn't for real. But I wouldn't really mind. At this point I basically didn't know him at all. But when you're stuck in hopeless love marrying the first stranger who pays you a compliment doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I'm just crazy, but the thought was alright to me. Devoting your life to someone you neither love nor hate...it might not be so bad. Better than heartache, right? It's pretty sad, I know.

http://letsgetmarriedeveryone.tumblr.com/

But this guy, he gets it. He gets it better than that stupid one-night-rave-date guy. I didn't think anyone would be able to top his smooth cheesy pick-up lines. You see, rave boy got it. He picked up right away. That light bulb in his simple dull little head lit up and said "A girl just asked me to dance. I'm a guy. I'm attracted to women. She's not totally ugly. This could be alright. I'm at a convention. She likes the same things as me! Score!"
Maybe it's shallow, but at least he picked up quicker than any other guy thrown in my life. And that's what made me miss him. Someone had never complimented me so much in my life as he did in that one night. I didn't really even like him. But it didn't matter. Someone finally got it.

http://saucesome.net/pic/tag/color

But Scandy as I'll call him, gets it. He gets it better than I think anyone ever will. He put the pieces together real fast. Maybe not as fast as Rave Boy, but he sees the picture much clearer. He's not just in this for one night.
You know someone's special when you fit their type so perfectly they express desire to marry (when they hate the idea of marriage) within about 3 minutes of talking to you. I mean, I'd talked to him before but the conversation had just never sparked. But I think we've got it now.

An instant friendship and attraction was born. But it's not like one I've ever had before. It's a love I've never felt before.

http://s492.photobucket.com/albums/rr285/spreckis-pics/?action=view&current=robot-1.jpg&newest=1

As it turns out he's totally my type. Broke, foreign, older than me, a metal head, a gamer, an otaku, witty, pervy, nationalistic, and creative. You'd think I'd fall head over heels in love with this discovery but for some reason I didn't. I was asking myself why I wasn't. Maybe it's because I'd been moaning hopelessly in love with my forever friendzoner. Maybe it's because I'm actually in love with my friendzoner...that's a crazy thought.
But anyways, it was more just curiosity and admiration than anything.
The first thing he told me was that he found me attractive. The last thing he told me was that I was beautiful, no lie, and that I better never forget it.

He made me want to smile. He made me want to love myself again. I didn't feel ashamed or self-conscious before him like I do before my Friendzoner. I felt like I owed to happiness to myself and him for making it possible for me. He saw something in me I couldn't see in myself.

http://havepleasureinmakingsomeonesmile.blogspot.com/

He greets me today, telling me I'm beautiful.
As it turns out we're both stuck in the friendzone. It's an odd concept...two people in love with people they can't have, coming together to share an odd friendship/attraction. I don't think there's a word for what we have. It's not bad though...

http://www.ehow.com/info_8056303_ideas-win-him-back.html

Today was a reality check.

Today I'm changing my outlook.

I'm not going to spend my life dreaming up dreams that'll never come true.
I'm not going to lie to myself any longer.

http://thaleia.wordpress.com/2009/05/25/shattered-mirror/

If I'm here and they're there, it's not gonna work.
If I'm this age and he's that age, it's not gonna work out.

It's sad but it's true.

I'm not going to make a fool of myself though.

http://media.photobucket.com/image/splattered%20heart/Dr_pepper0221/icons/Heart10.gif?o=11

I don't know what love is.

I'm gonna stop pretending I do.
My feelings change with each passing day.
I'm not gonna pressure myself to fall in love.
I'm not gonna question myself.
I'm gonna let what happens happen.

http://banksystreetart.tumblr.com/post/414398636/allnewscene-reaching-for-or-letting-go-of

My life still may end, but I'm just gonna have to roll with it and make do with whatever's left. But I'll be happy while I can.


I'm not gonna live for them anymore.
I'm gonna give them space.
I'm gonna keep them close, but comfortable.


I don't know how I feel about Scandy exactly. But there's no way he'll be interested in me since he sees everything so clearly. And I just have to accept that. We can be friends...plus more, but less than what society thinks. We can support each other and joke around to keep each other smiling. It doesn't have to make sense. It just has to be.

What it is

It's funny how love is everything and nothing that you expect it to be. You have someone, but they let you down. You can talk to them, but you can't always be with them. They might have nice eyes or whatever, but they're not your prince charming in any way shape or form. You always wanted a guy with bright blonde hair. Your man's is dark blonde. It sounds shallow, but you can't help but thinking that as happy as you are half the time, your love is nothing like you thought or you wanted it to be.
We're all human though, and that's why our love fails. Only God's Love is truly unconditional and pure. We have all of our own needs, desires, wants, gnawing at our souls trying to pull us down deeper into ourselves and further from consideration and love for others.
So love will never perfect here on earth. A harsh reality. But think about all those cute things he's told you, about all the plans you two have made, think about it all...it might be the best you'll get while you're here. Might as well try to make the most of it.
I was listening to "Everything I Ask For" by The Maine. These lyrics sorta reminded me of what I've been thinking about this evening:
"I don't know what (he) sees in me
But I'm happy that (he's) happy now
That (he's) with me
And I'm freakin' out
Because I'm just so lucky


Oh (he) makes me feel like shit
It's always something
But I can't get over it
(he) thinks it's nothing
Because (he's)
Everything I ask for
Everything I ask for
And just a little bit more
Everything I ask for
Everything I ask for
And so much more"


Love is confusing, but if it wasn't, it wouldn't be love.

http://www.wattpad.com/1582902-love-that-lasts-more-then-six-months

Lovely Christmas

It's crazy when at those moments in your life when you're in such an intense relationship, whether it be friendship or more, and you can miss someone who freely misses you in return.

Love: a feeling of mutual concern and hope for the best of another. 

Moments apart feel like years.
Smiles appear on your face just thinking about them.
They make you happy.

New Friend:
You understand me
You like the same quirky things as me
You put up with shopping with me for hours
You're inspired by me
You trust me
You speak your mind
I admire you

Look past the outward appearance, see into the heart

Beautiful

Never let anyone make you feel ugly. You are beautiful just the way you are.
First of all, it should just be put out there that I'm a horribly self-loathing-narcissist. Half the time I think I'm disgustingly ugly, the other half I think I'm gorgeous.
Beauty is really just an opinion, a mindset, in a way. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Everyone has their own definition of beauty. If you compare yourself to others you're going to get nowhere. Maybe if you're in a room of unhygienic people you'll feel beautiful. But perhaps if you're in a room filled with super models you'll feel ugly. A lot has to do with surroundings. True beauty comes from yourself though, the condition of your soul, your personality, and you present yourself to the world. Beauty through confidence shines brighter than through any appearance.
I've had people tell me that I'm ugly to my face. It's something that no one wants to hear and something that no one should have to. Maybe it doesn't sound that bad, but when people tell you that while you're still growing up, you'll believe it. I've lived my life believing that half the time I'm ugly, half the time that I'm beautiful, because people like my grandparents or older people would tell me that I was beautiful, while others told me or made me feel the opposite. But when you're growing up, who do you listen to, people your age, or older people? You're going to listen to the popular outspoken people your own age, because you fear them because they make you believe that they are superior.
If I could name one feature about myself that I like, I'd say that I like my smile. I like to smile. I like being happy. If I could transfer the confidence and radiance I have when I smile at myself in the mirror or at a friend, my whole life would be different. I compare myself to others though. I let myself be influenced by the people around me. I let myself believe that I'm not as good as them, not as pretty; ugly.
I'm going to change though. I'm not going to live my life any longer in fear of what others think, because in all honesty no one really cares. Everyone's so wrapped in themselves, you could really mean less to most people. You need to live for yourself, love yourself, until love is sewn into your destiny. Don't get me wrong though, you need to help others, trust others, but you must learn to love yourself first. Treat yourself and others as God would.
You are beautiful, you are God's child. You are made in His Image. Never forget it. You can shine because God's Light is within you. You just need to let it out and lead the way for others.

Thinking Things over...:/

I'm considering leaving you as you are, just as I did with him. I was so convinced that I was in love with him. I knew he didn't love me though. I stopped trying to see if he would make an effort. He made none. We haven't spoken in months. That's just how it is. Occasionally I'll think of him. I don't miss him though. I don't miss being unappreciated. At the time I couldn't live without him, but now I am and I'm doing just fine.
I found you and thought that everything was alright once again, my friend, the guy that's there to listen to me. You have so many things in common with him, but you're so much better too. With him, I made all the effort. With you, you always make the first move. You're more of a man than he'll ever be even though you act more like a child than he.
Times have changed, looking back I see how much I've grown up and I know that I'll just keep growing. I'm not going to make the same mistakes that I made with him. Sometimes I wonder if you care, always breaking your promises. I know that's just how you are, but sometimes it hurts seeing the real you.
I don't know what I want. I almost want to be rid of you. You're not part of my here and now. You're far away, but I don't want to let you go. Who else do I have? I don't want to waste my time though. But I hate being alone. I want to be with you again, I want to hear the truth. I can handle it, I just need to know what it is, or what it was. I'm afraid your mind might or has changed. I'm not sure what I want to hear, but I want to hear something, so I can stop wondering, so I can make peace, let myself fall for you, or let you go. Right now it's all in your hands...I have little choice. If you let me go, it's your own fault due to your own errors.
I've come to accept that I never loved him, I had merely made an idol out of him. You're a hope, a somewhat attainable dream, a desire, a fantasy. I know I don't love you though. Back then I thought I was so in love, I felt so strongly for him, and now knowing that it was nothing near love, I can only imagine how forceful and life changing love really is and I look forward to the day I find it.

The Confused Unloved

There are so many wonderful people out there that feel unloved. For instance, think of all those blogs out there where people sadly say how no one reads their work and how hopeless they feel. In my opinion blogging is more for yourself, and if other people read, that's great. You should never start out doing something though to impress other people. You should start things for yourself and your own satisfaction.
I just can't get over how many brilliant people there are out there that fall into depression and sadness because they feel like they're calling out into the dark, that no one notices them. I've been there, I know what it feels like, but you must remember that someone does care. You just might not know it, or they haven't found you and your talent yet.
Stay strong and know that you are loved. Love yourself if nothing else.

End of Summer Ties

Summer should be spent with friends. Maybe not everyday, but every summer you have to have one of those nights you spend just talking for hours on end. Laugh at jokes, cry at heartache, give advice, just be there and listen to one another. Find those people who have your back and are willing to support you. This group will most likely gain and lose a few members over time, but never give up faith in your friends. 

Surround yourself with people who love you for who you truly are, people who think you're beautiful despite all your flaws. Once someone else can tell you it, you can start to believe it yourself. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You're lovable in every way. 

You're going to come across a few rotten apples, some people who try to bring you down. Don't fall with them though. People change and there's little you can do about it. You can't let yourself live in the past. You're so much better off without certain people. Everything happens for a reason. Yell at them if they deserve it, but never become one of them. Embrace yourself fully, who you are, who you can be. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not good enough. Ban together with your friends, with yourself if no one else, and enjoy the battle. Enjoy standing up for yourself. The world's against you, but hey, you've found yourself and that's all that really matters. You can't let yourself conform to the hate. Love yourself, love others, love everything. Love them despite the things they say and do. Love that they hate you. You're better then them. You know you are.