A turning point?

It's strange. I feel like I've come to a turning point in my life. This morning I was literally awoken to a nightmare. Almost everything I hold dear was being threatened to be taken away from me. I spent the day agonizing over my punishment and what my life would become. I almost had breakdowns multiple times. I almost poured my heart out to someone who never gives me the chance to speak. I left for work feeling somewhat composed, but I soon became seriously depressed. I almost felt ill I was so sad. I've never really ever seriously considered suicide before, but I thought to myself "If I felt like I do right now everyday there's just no way I would be able to go one living" it wasn't that I wanted to think that or that I want to kill myself, it's just that that is seriously how bad I was feeling. That's how much this matters to me. The last few days have been sorta crazy. I've gone from falling in love yet again with the guy I thought I was over to weeping about being stuck in the friendzone, agonizing on how to get out of it, feeling like crap, begging anyone who would listen for advice, to yelling at him, and then to laughing it all off.


And then I meet him...my Scandy Dream. I already knew him, I just didn't know him.
He's a simple type. He told me everything I'd ever wanted to hear within moments he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Obviously this isn't for real. But I wouldn't really mind. At this point I basically didn't know him at all. But when you're stuck in hopeless love marrying the first stranger who pays you a compliment doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I'm just crazy, but the thought was alright to me. Devoting your life to someone you neither love nor hate...it might not be so bad. Better than heartache, right? It's pretty sad, I know.

http://letsgetmarriedeveryone.tumblr.com/

But this guy, he gets it. He gets it better than that stupid one-night-rave-date guy. I didn't think anyone would be able to top his smooth cheesy pick-up lines. You see, rave boy got it. He picked up right away. That light bulb in his simple dull little head lit up and said "A girl just asked me to dance. I'm a guy. I'm attracted to women. She's not totally ugly. This could be alright. I'm at a convention. She likes the same things as me! Score!"
Maybe it's shallow, but at least he picked up quicker than any other guy thrown in my life. And that's what made me miss him. Someone had never complimented me so much in my life as he did in that one night. I didn't really even like him. But it didn't matter. Someone finally got it.

http://saucesome.net/pic/tag/color

But Scandy as I'll call him, gets it. He gets it better than I think anyone ever will. He put the pieces together real fast. Maybe not as fast as Rave Boy, but he sees the picture much clearer. He's not just in this for one night.
You know someone's special when you fit their type so perfectly they express desire to marry (when they hate the idea of marriage) within about 3 minutes of talking to you. I mean, I'd talked to him before but the conversation had just never sparked. But I think we've got it now.

An instant friendship and attraction was born. But it's not like one I've ever had before. It's a love I've never felt before.

http://s492.photobucket.com/albums/rr285/spreckis-pics/?action=view&current=robot-1.jpg&newest=1

As it turns out he's totally my type. Broke, foreign, older than me, a metal head, a gamer, an otaku, witty, pervy, nationalistic, and creative. You'd think I'd fall head over heels in love with this discovery but for some reason I didn't. I was asking myself why I wasn't. Maybe it's because I'd been moaning hopelessly in love with my forever friendzoner. Maybe it's because I'm actually in love with my friendzoner...that's a crazy thought.
But anyways, it was more just curiosity and admiration than anything.
The first thing he told me was that he found me attractive. The last thing he told me was that I was beautiful, no lie, and that I better never forget it.

He made me want to smile. He made me want to love myself again. I didn't feel ashamed or self-conscious before him like I do before my Friendzoner. I felt like I owed to happiness to myself and him for making it possible for me. He saw something in me I couldn't see in myself.

http://havepleasureinmakingsomeonesmile.blogspot.com/

He greets me today, telling me I'm beautiful.
As it turns out we're both stuck in the friendzone. It's an odd concept...two people in love with people they can't have, coming together to share an odd friendship/attraction. I don't think there's a word for what we have. It's not bad though...

http://www.ehow.com/info_8056303_ideas-win-him-back.html

Today was a reality check.

Today I'm changing my outlook.

I'm not going to spend my life dreaming up dreams that'll never come true.
I'm not going to lie to myself any longer.

http://thaleia.wordpress.com/2009/05/25/shattered-mirror/

If I'm here and they're there, it's not gonna work.
If I'm this age and he's that age, it's not gonna work out.

It's sad but it's true.

I'm not going to make a fool of myself though.

http://media.photobucket.com/image/splattered%20heart/Dr_pepper0221/icons/Heart10.gif?o=11

I don't know what love is.

I'm gonna stop pretending I do.
My feelings change with each passing day.
I'm not gonna pressure myself to fall in love.
I'm not gonna question myself.
I'm gonna let what happens happen.

http://banksystreetart.tumblr.com/post/414398636/allnewscene-reaching-for-or-letting-go-of

My life still may end, but I'm just gonna have to roll with it and make do with whatever's left. But I'll be happy while I can.


I'm not gonna live for them anymore.
I'm gonna give them space.
I'm gonna keep them close, but comfortable.


I don't know how I feel about Scandy exactly. But there's no way he'll be interested in me since he sees everything so clearly. And I just have to accept that. We can be friends...plus more, but less than what society thinks. We can support each other and joke around to keep each other smiling. It doesn't have to make sense. It just has to be.

Meticulous

So I'm really tired and stressed out. Our midtri project for web page design is coming up. Our instructor's been gone and he didn't tell us when it's due. I'm pretty sure it won't be due for days if not a week, but because I'm me I'm just finishing it for Monday. I've already spent pretty much the entire day working on it, all of Friday night, and even Thursday too. I don't even want to think about how much work I've put into it. I've even started over. I've changed everything a million times. And it's not even done yet. There's a lot of things I still need to add. But there's things we haven't even learned yet that we need to incorporate. So obviously it can't be due Monday...but what if it is? So I'll be like done on Monday and no one else will be and that's just lame. Just typical me. I have to say, I'm proud of my work though. I taught myself a lot of stuff this weekend and it actually looks pretty professional. But I've just spent so much dang time on it and I know it's just an assignment, that no one else is going to spent the amount of time I have. But I really like designing web pages and I want to do my best. Why is that such a bad thing? Why am I so stressed out?! Ugh! I guess I just feel like I've wasted a ton of time that I could've been working on my novel during or doing my homework that I actually know when it's due. Ughhhh, I create my own problems. I'm so stupid!
I feel like I need to get away from my computer. But I practically live on my computer. I need to get away from this stupid project that's consuming my life. But I live on my computer.
I mean, I did go on a walk, but that only takes up a little chunk of time. I've practiced guitar already. I watched an hour of anime. I've gone on my usual websites. I worked a bit on my novel. I did everything I would've wanted to do today really, but I just spent so much time on that stupid project...I really don't know what my problem is at this point. I wish I had more time this weekend, but I've had a pretty full day. But it feels empty for some reason. It's just been a terrible week. I've lost it a few times. I'm realllllllyyyyy stressed about everything. Maybe it's better to be stressed out about projects than other things. But I've just been freaking out all week and it's been terrible. Probably one of the worst weeks better. Friday was better until I began obsessing over this project. I'm not as stressed about other things, now I'm more stressed about this project. But I'm still stressed about the other things.
I'm rambling.
I know.
I need to get rid of this stress though! I've been so stressed I haven't even been all that ticked off at the person I usually spend at least 50% of my energy worrying about, missing, hating, and what not. It's been an odd lonely week. I've spent in wallowing in stress. It's been awful. I just have to say that.


http://antiworldnews.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/the-brain-6-lessons-for-handling-stress/

These Doomed Conversations

I'm sick of these doomed conversations.
I know you're not going to talk to me today.
You talked to me yesterday.
Never could it happen two days in a row.
Maybe in one more day you'll talk to me, but I really doubt it.
Within the next five days for sure though.
Then you might start to miss me.


I hate this. I want to talk to you so badly all the time. I'd do almost absolutely anything for you. I love you so much. But then a lot of the time I think about how much I hate you, how much pain you cause me, how much I put up with for you, and you have no idea. I doubt you feel the same about me, but then you always make me feel like the bad guy when I say this isn't working out. You don't want to lose me.
You talk to me almost on a schedule, days spread apart. It's like something to check of your to-do list. I'm sick of it! I look forward to hearing from you so much, but it only ends in disappointment. It's a crappy conversation. I know it is. And I know I'll want to cry over it the minute it's over and all of the next days to come.
Why do we even do this?


http://www.flickr.com/photos/theodoraa/5869342304/

For Myself

Sometimes you just need to do things for yourself.
So I wrote a poem, I poured out my heart, how I was feeling and I put it online. No one seemed to even read it. I mean, that's kinda disheartening, I really wanted people to read it and be like "Hey, you're right!"
It was an uplifting poem. I don't write those everyday.
It was actually good. Not that usual crap.
But whatever.
I needed to write it for myself.
I needed to put it out there. To take that chance.
It was about people caring, just not being able to show it.
They care. They just don't know how to show it.
I'll love them anyways. The world is a sad, confused, place. Right now I'll just have it out there for myself and for anyone else who might read it and benefit from it, but remain silent because of all our social tendencies and cliques.

It's sorta like blogging.
You do it for yourself.
You can't do it for the numbers.
They won't come.
They just won't.
So do it for yourself.



http://www.thelifeblast.com/payment.html

An Ode to Abandonment

 

http://valioza.deviantart.com/ 

It's not even that I'm alone. It's not even that you've abandoned me.
That gets me thinking, what exactly does abandon mean?

...........

to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert

Well, that just makes me sound really over dramatic. I last spoke to you 3 or 4 days ago. It's really not that long. It really isn't. I realize that. But I think about you what seems every second of the day. When I wake up you're one of the first things on my mind. I ask myself why I'm alive, what my motivation is, and then I become hopeful -- I have you. Maybe today you'll decide you want to talk to me. Maybe I'll feel loved for a moment.

I'm reading the Great Gatsby and I was watching a video about how the person thought that basically every main character is terribly hopeful. I'm terribly hopeful. Hopeful in a bad way. Like Gatsby, I'm putting all my bets on you. And I know you won't live up to my expectations. I know that. You've already failed me so many times. But I can't just give up on you. You're my "incarnated" dream. You're what I've set my sights on.

I've often thought of breaking off whatever I have with you. I feel like you speak to me once or twice a week out of obligation. Like I'm some annoying pet or something. I'm that kid you gave birth to but never wanted, but you have to take care of you. I'm that kid you leave at home when you go to work and you feel bad so you buy me an expensive gift. Except that it's not like that at all.
I just feel like I'm this annoyance. Like you loved me once, but you don't anymore. I was your best friend, once. But not anymore. But you can't let go of someone you used to love, someone who used to be your best friend, can you? Can you ever go back to being friends after falling in love? Was it, is it even love?

I want you to talk to me because you want to talk to me, not because you feel obligated to. I want to feel comfortable about you. I want to stop turning you into some god that you're not. That's just the thing, I see all your flaws, yet I hold you both so high above and so low below myself. We're just not on the same level, except that we are...

I want to be myself around you. I want to say whatever's on my mind. I want you to show interest. I want you to care. But maybe that's too much to ask.

I want to tell you exactly what I'm feeling toward you. I want to do it without you making excuses and apologizing. I want to do it without feeling embarrassed or foolish.

I want to be able to point out what's wrong without fearing that I'll lose it all.

I'm sick of asking how you are and you never asking me. I'm sick of you just leaving mid-conversation.

I'm sick of living like I can't live without you when I'm never even with you.

I don't want to feel like I have to make things right, like I have to please you, like I have to be perfect for you.

I don't want our existence to be defined by the few hours we spend together every few months. I don't want to build up to those events just for me to fall out of love when we're together and to fall back in love and blame myself as soon as you leave.

This just isn't working, but I feel like I can't speak up now. I need to see you. I need to be with you. I'm needy. If you leave me alone for 10 minutes I assume you've left me. Imagine what 4 days is like. By now I assume that you hate me, that I said something wrong, that you never loved me, that none of this has ever been real.

Messed Up

Everything's messed up today. So I went to a speech meet today in the town I went to school as a child in. That town is my least favorite place in the world. It really is. It's only a few miles away, but I can't stand it. It's ugly, the houses are small, the people in it are mean. It just brings back bad memories. I feel bad hating everyone in the town though, just because a few people in that town treated me like crap.

Me and people these days...our relationship isn't normal. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm tired of starting conversations for them to just end. I don't text anyone or chat anyone anymore. I'm so afraid of saying goodbye that I can't say hello. I don't know what to talk about. Somehow I've cut myself off from the world. No one wants to talk to me.

I want to talk to the boy I love. But I always wait for him to talk to me. I don't want to bother him. If he wanted to talk to me, he would, right? But I always want to talk to him. I understand that most of our conversations lately aren't very interesting. I don't really even know why we talk. It doesn't lead to anything. But I love talking to him more than anything. I spend so much time wishing that I was talking to him, and then when I am...I just am. I don't understand it.

I think it's silly that I spend so much time worrying about what he'll think of me, what to say, when he should just love me for me. I should just be myself. I feel like he doesn't know the real me, but I don't know how he's ever going to see it. He's known the fake me for so long.

Conversation, relationships, friendships...today they all just seem pointless. I don't like thinking this way. I really don't. But it's just how I feel today. As I sat listening to other people's "poems", I didn't even try to listen. I didn't have the motivation, the ability to care. I stopped trying. I gave up. I don't like giving up. I really don't.

This one guy that I've seen around before, one who looks like a favorite celebrity of mine was there today. I'd like nothing more than to go up to him and tell him that he's one of the handsomest men I've ever seen and that he's perfect. But what would happen after that? I already have my guy. It would be creepy. He doesn't know me. There's all these people I come to fancy so much, but I never say anything to them because they're so out of my league, I fear the rejection. But I mean, it would be weird to just go up to someone and say they're hot and walk away. I'd like to be able to do that, but what good would it do?
I just don't know anything today.

It's gorgeous out. It's warm and sunny. It's so nice...

This year is inching and flying by. It's been over two months since I've seen him. It feels so much longer. What have I done this year? I haven't talked to anyone. I was in that stupid play...I've gone to classes and come home. I wrote a book. I wrote a few short stories. I feel like I haven't done anything though. This year feels so boring. Last year I created all these memories that I look back on. There's nothing to look back on this year. I've kept to myself, and it hasn't been any fun at all. As much as I don't want to admit it, I need other people.

http://vimeo.com/28736362

Most Things on My Mind

Today's been overall a very thoughtful day. I was with my teammates going to an away meet. The drive was about an hour away. Surprisingly, I really fell in love with the area we were driving through. It was still considered part of the metro area, but it was like all these little wooded farms right on the side of the road. It wasn't really rural in my mind because houses and farms were consistently following one another. I always dream about the future. I'm not so much of a dreamer in the present or past, but when it comes to the future I am. I imagined myself moving out to the area with the guy I love. It would be great, just everything would be a ways away. That's what bothers me about myself. I can't ever just enjoy anything. I mean, this is a freaking fantasy, and I'm thinking "hmmm, well we'd better have good paying jobs to live this far out." Who cares about that, honestly?! Living out in the country with someone you love -- that's awesome! Who cares what you do for a living? You're in the beautiful country with someone you love!

http://b-womeninamericanhistory19.blogspot.com/2010/12/snowy-19th-century-american-countryside.html

I was having one of those days where you just realize how much of a loner you are. You know you're a loner when you can't even fit in on your own team. My closest friend on the team was being a player, flirting around, and gaming, like always. All the other people my age were listening to their music, talking to their friends, or falling all over my friend. I looked out the window silently, like always.
I love looking out the window. It really was a beautiful drive. It's just, humans are always searching for acceptance.

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTd-sxhmtQpr042FtC-IjMg6jcqVCtl9oOsf0rqm4hnVi895-oI6w

I really don't like anyone at my school, hardly even my friends most of the time. In some of my classes I literally sit in the back by myself when everyone else is in groups. It's just how it is. I'm through beating myself up for not talking to the snobs. Yeah, I should be less anti-social, but I should stop caring so much. I'll talk to someone if I feel like it. I'm done feeling obligated and crappy.

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQhYA4NfyDHcp1v5APqV5LejcclCTctRCiyf7aZTXYMXpmIW7lyPw

When I see other teams, I wish I went to their schools, that I was on their teams. They all seemed to be friends, all seemed to get along. They seemed to appreciate. They seemed not so stuck up. But they always say the grass in greener on the other side.

I go to Church. I know God's there. I know He's much larger than me. I know He's done great things for me, but right now it's hard for me to know much else. With all the things people say, it's hard to know what to believe anymore. For the first time I'm really questioning everything. I'll always believe though. I could never forget my love for God.

I think about the person I love. I don't see them much. Some times I feel really down because we're apart. What's the use of putting any effort into my appearance? What's the use of buying all these new clothes? There's only one person I care about looking nice for, and they already think I'm beautiful. But I tell myself, I need to do it for myself. I need to look good for myself. I can't live a life of reaction. I try to convince myself that I'd be, I am, fine without them. But once you're loved, that feeling never goes away.

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTiz9P0lU6D7HQowJcH8C5t7JdZX966Yz5mJ0bAl7WTwv9Z3_98nw

Teenage emotions?

Well I feel like crap. I was having an okay day. Then my guy friend left practice today and I just automatically felt crappy. Maybe it was also because the captain ordered me to another team with this guy who's sorta creepin' on me. Then I got stuck on teams with all the captains. I can't even think with them around. They'll probably just laugh at any of my ideas. Why even try?
Then there's the other kids in my grade there today. I don't like them...I mean, they're okay. But they don't show any kindness to me anymore. They don't try talking to me. Yeah, I don't try talking to them either, but it's different. Yeah, I sound hypocritical and I know it. I want to be accepted so badly, I want friends so badly, but I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel like I don't know how to. If people want to talk to you, they usually do. I've been around these people enough though too to know that we don't exactly click. I just don't want them involved in this thing, my nerdy deal. I want something of my own, you know? They're the people I'm supposed to get along with, the people with the most similar interests to me. But they're so different than me...why is it that I click with people sometimes, and not others? I feel like the people my age and older are always judging me, like I'm not good enough for them. But with the younger kids, it's better. But even then I still feel not good enough. 
No one pays attention to me. I don't want a ton of attention, but it just kills me when I'm sitting all alone and no one says a word to me, but right by me people will just gradually flock to a person like myself, just sitting alone, and they'll have all sorts of conversations. What's so wrong with me? I suppose my problem is that I think I have a problem.
I want to leave. I want to get out of this place so badly, but how's it going to be better anywhere else? I don't have the motivation or energy to start conversations. This place isn't for me. But so many people suffer when they're young. I want happiness though. I just don't know if it's worth the risk. I feel so alone all the time. I have some friends, some people I can talk to, but it's just waving in the halls. It's nothing real. It's killing me. How can I take years more of this?
I'm used to being alone. You think I'd get over it by now. I know that I'm not like everyone else, that I have different standards for friends than others, that I don't really fit in, I don't always act my age. But I know that one day someone will appreciate me for who I am. I'm dying waiting for them to come along. It's hard to keep hope, but it's all I have.
I had one person who I thought maybe understood me, but they're never there. I was tempted to try to talk to them, but I stopped myself. If I talked to them I'd be forgiving them for treating me like crap without even making them see what they'd done to me. I can't just brush that away. I don't want to get into it tonight though.
I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know how I'm going to make it through. I know every other teenager in the world feels miserable, but for some reason all the people around me seem to be doing just fine. Maybe they just accept it. I don't want to. I want to be strong, but at the same time...
I don't know. It'll work out though.

Cut to A Brief Thought

These past few days I've had so much on my mind...I don't know if there's ever been this much on my mind. It would take hours to write about it all and I don't feel like depressing myself all over again. So I'll just briefly rant about this:
Over the past few weeks I've been getting to know this one guy and he's awesome, I love absolutely everything about him, he's hilarious, he's nice, he's just amazing. It's hard to describe how epic he is. He's that type of guy thought that everyone loves, that's friends with everyone. I'd say that we're friends. I've probably talked to him more than any other guy before. I know what you're thinking, you think that I'm falling for him. See, that's just the thing, I feel like I should because he's so awesome, but I only see him as a friend. He doesn't like me, so the question is, why do I worry so much about this? I don't know how I feel about him, but I really want him to pay attention to me, to like me. He likes talking to other people a lot more than me. I'm not all that interesting, I understand, but I just want him to like me...I don't have all that many friends. I'm a clingy person...I need people to stick by me all the time. That's why friends are so hard for me to find. I'm somewhat demanding. I'm not okay with people jumping between cliques, like he does...I want him to stay with me and my friends. I'm selfish...but he's just so awesome and fun to talk to.
It makes me sad, everyone loves this kid, yet he complains about having no friends, about no one asking him to events. There's another guy that I've mentioned before that I have feelings for, who's also like this. Both of these guys are really ticking me off. Both have tons of friends, they just refuse to realize it. The other guy, people are always asking him how he is, telling him to call them, but he never does. I haven't talked to him in over a week...if he doesn't want to talk to me, he should just say so. It would save us both so much trouble...But back to the kid. I invited him to go to a thing with me, but because we're friends he didn't think I was serious. It didn't bother me that much, but grr, he's still complaining about people never inviting him to anything! I just did!
Oh, man, I need to stop letting other people bother me so much!

A Monday Tuesday

I spent the past 6 days doing pretty much nothing...but now it's back to work, to reality, and it sucks. It wasn't exactly what I would call fun going from 10ish hours of sleep to 7ish. But what can you do? It's my reality now once again, I have to face it.
And to make the reality check more intense...it's production week!!!! Friday's opening night...oh, snap.
I was going through boxes of shoes, which were all too small, and amazingly I found a pair of shoes I loved in my size! They were these saddle type shoes, but heels, and painted light pink. Pretty amazing.
I also like one of my all white costumes I wear for all of five seconds, but I will enjoy those 5 seconds. (I also wear the shoes during the same 5 second time ;). It shall be a wondrous 5 seconds.
Everything was slow today...I'm hoping it speeds up a bit, but at the same time, I don't want to miss anything.
Today I thought to myself many times "You should speak up, make some conversation". But then I was like "Meh, I'm too tired...what's the use? I don't feel like it." That's not a good attitude to have...but at least I actually felt like I should say something. Usually I just stand around wishing I could say something, but find no opportunity.
Don't be like me, just speak up and grab every opportunity that comes your way!!!!!