Saturday, July 28, 2012

I don't even know, I don't want

I feel like crap and I don't really even know why. I guess I'm just sick of being yelled at by people. But then I'm sick of being left alone by others. I want to talk to people, but I've been so arrogant to think that they actually enjoy my presence, so now I'm stuck in loneliness since they're all sick of me. Maybe it's my own fault. I don't like who I am as a person, okay? But it's hard to change. I only want to talk to a few people, but the ironic thing is that they're all assholes. I keep living this life I don't enjoy. I never do anything.

I'm sick of poverty. I'm sick of mediocrity. I want a good job, I want to be a billionaire so frickin' bad, I wanna lived in a gated community and just stay there forever. But I'd feel guilty with all the money. And I wouldn't like my neighbors, they'd all be stuck-up and somehow more impressive than me. And I'm not even doing well with the opportunities I have right now, I'm a lazy bum, so it's highly unlikely that that will ever happen. But I'm sick of this suburban decay. Everything just keeps getting worse and worse. I need to get out of this town before it's too late. I'll be forced to see the same things everyday for the rest of my life. Making minimum wage. Meet some local guy I don't really love, but get married anyways. Send the kids to the school down the street. And they'll be trapped here forever too. Doesn't that just sound great? I don't want this. And I'm not even bad off. This is a good, clean town, yet I can't even handle it. So spoiled, but so deprived at the same time.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Born again, broken

I don't really know what's going on. I feel like I've died but my ghost has been thrust back inside me. The life I've known has ended. Nothing else is beginning though. Or it doesn't seem to be. Everyone's turning their back on me and I don't have any idea why. I know I'm not that interesting, probably annoying, but if they put up with it for so long, why end it now? I'm sorry if I hold on too tight, alright? I'm sick of leeching onto people till I suck them dry and I'm forced to move onto the next person I see. I'm just gonna kill everyone this way. I need someone to pull me off them, detach my razor sharp teeth, see past my ugly nature, and embrace me. I'm not saying I deserve it. But that's what I'd like/need to happen for anything to start going right in my life.
I've been doing a lot of reading this weekend about Anne Morrow Lindbergh. She says you have to be narcissistic to write. I find that slightly comforting. I'm definitely narcissistic. But when you think about it, it really is true. Who are you to tell someone else's story? What's so great about you to share your own story? Who do you think you are thinking that you have anything to offer the world?
But anyways she wrote A LOT. Especially in her diary. I have one...sort of...but I rarely use it. Mainly because I have to dig it out from it's hidden location. And then it'll suck up a few hours of my day because there's always more on my mind than I ever realize, which is pretty scary. So I usually avoid it. I never want to write about "events" either like it seems you'd want to...I need to write most often on days when absolutely nothing is happening. That's when I lose it. I should probably write more, it always does make me feel better. I'm in a really crappy mood. I don't really know how to put it in words. I'm too lazy to get my diary out so I'm just typing here. It just seems like every feeling has already been felt, what's the point of even writing it out? But Anne made it all seem important the way she wrote everything. Maybe feelings do matter. I mean, I know they do, but...I wondered for a moment that if people ever just get used to sadness and somehow come to abhor happiness. But you can't define happiness can you? It's different to each person. Cookies may be joy to me but depression to someone else who finds lasagna heavenly and I find it disgusting. So their happiness would be my dismay and so forth...that's a weird example, but anyways...everyone hates sadness. You might learn how to cope, but it will always wear you down. I just can't understand people who proclaim that the world sucks and that they're always sad. Yeah, it's pretty much true, but they make it sound like they don't enjoy anything and that they have no hope. I've been depressed, I don't know if I've ever really recovered, but I always held onto something and wasn't proud of my sorrow.
This weekend I started out in a bad mood and still am in one. I'm losing everyone close to me. I thought about my ex a lot. I think I was missing him...more missing certain aspects. It seems foolish looking back, but he did matter to me. I know that, but in a way I've forgotten. I erase specific pain from memory as to somehow comfort myself, but overall it stains memories, my entire life. I miss the innocence. I miss having him alone to care about. I miss talking...though I still to him. It's not the same, but it's easier right now. But it's not the same. There's an odd friendship. There's nothing, yet everything there. Two people who've never truly gotten to know each other, but that know each other better than anyone else. But that aren't willing to share anything overly personal. That can't ever see each other. That run out of things to say. But always come back to each other anyways. There are no romantic feelings anymore. But that's okay. I knew all along that we would just never be like that. But I wanted to think otherwise. I can't be so cruel to myself to ask why. It's so obvious. But now thinking about it, the chemistry was just all wrong...but now that it's over similarities keep coming. We grow more the same with each day. Yet my feelings fade more all the time. But I still miss him somehow.
But now my thoughts shift to Scandy. I'm concerned for him, I really am. I want to say I love him, but it's not in a way I can really describe. I lust after him and I respect him as a person, I care about him dearly, but something is missing. I think his respect for me. His refusal to believe in a dream. I know it would never work out. And I've admitted that early on, which is good. But I'll never give up my dreams, the dreams he refuses to even give a chance. It's already sort of falling apart, but I don't know...maybe it's better that it happens earlier on that getting all attached and being even more heartbroken later. But I don't think of the same anymore lately.
"Love" has disillusioned me. The "love" I know is an illusion. It's not real. I'm not so hateful to say it doesn't exist, but it doesn't in the ways everyone says it does. From my reading on Anne and just from different ideas and opinions I hear lately, I just don't believe in it, think of it the same way. I recall reading something like "marriage isn't just about love". And I'm beginning to believe it. And sex isn't the greatest thing in the world like society is making it seem. There's more to life. Not every love story is filled with white horses, beach getaways, and expensive dining. Not every prince is handsome or worthy of love. The same goes for the princesses. They're not all that special. Sometimes love just happens. You don't always choose. The why, where, when, it just happens. You can't go out looking for love. It has to come to you. I don't know exactly how it works, I'm just a dumb teenager. But I'm not going to search anymore. It's lead to too many dead-ends. I'm not saying it'll be easy. But I have to at least try. I might be lonely, but I'm not going to be desperate anymore. Focus on myself more. Right now there's very little to love about me. I need to fall in love with myself for a change instead of avoiding how much I hate myself and living off of the moments someone else sees something in me.
Love is thoughts, my feelings...they're all changing.
I'm alone and broken. For now. But I'll grow stronger.

Like I phoenix I've been reborn...I have new dreams, new aspirations. If I fall I might break some bones, but I will fly again. And if I should perish, well at least I can say I died trying.

Friday, July 13, 2012

A turning point?

It's strange. I feel like I've come to a turning point in my life. This morning I was literally awoken to a nightmare. Almost everything I hold dear was being threatened to be taken away from me. I spent the day agonizing over my punishment and what my life would become. I almost had breakdowns multiple times. I almost poured my heart out to someone who never gives me the chance to speak. I left for work feeling somewhat composed, but I soon became seriously depressed. I almost felt ill I was so sad. I've never really ever seriously considered suicide before, but I thought to myself "If I felt like I do right now everyday there's just no way I would be able to go one living" it wasn't that I wanted to think that or that I want to kill myself, it's just that that is seriously how bad I was feeling. That's how much this matters to me. The last few days have been sorta crazy. I've gone from falling in love yet again with the guy I thought I was over to weeping about being stuck in the friendzone, agonizing on how to get out of it, feeling like crap, begging anyone who would listen for advice, to yelling at him, and then to laughing it all off.

And then I meet Scandy Dream. I already knew him, I just didn't know him.
He's a simple type. He told me everything I'd ever wanted to hear within moments he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Obviously this isn't for real. But I wouldn't really mind. At this point I basically didn't know him at all. But when you're stuck in hopeless love marrying the first stranger who pays you a compliment doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I'm just crazy, but the thought was alright to me. Devoting your life to someone you neither love nor might not be so bad. Better than heartache, right? It's pretty sad, I know.

But this guy, he gets it. He gets it better than that stupid one-night-rave-date guy. I didn't think anyone would be able to top his smooth cheesy pick-up lines. You see, rave boy got it. He picked up right away. That light bulb in his simple dull little head lit up and said "A girl just asked me to dance. I'm a guy. I'm attracted to women. She's not totally ugly. This could be alright. I'm at a convention. She likes the same things as me! Score!"
Maybe it's shallow, but at least he picked up quicker than any other guy thrown in my life. And that's what made me miss him. Someone had never complimented me so much in my life as he did in that one night. I didn't really even like him. But it didn't matter. Someone finally got it.

But Scandy as I'll call him, gets it. He gets it better than I think anyone ever will. He put the pieces together real fast. Maybe not as fast as Rave Boy, but he sees the picture much clearer. He's not just in this for one night.
You know someone's special when you fit their type so perfectly they express desire to marry (when they hate the idea of marriage) within about 3 minutes of talking to you. I mean, I'd talked to him before but the conversation had just never sparked. But I think we've got it now.

An instant friendship and attraction was born. But it's not like one I've ever had before. It's a love I've never felt before.

robot heart

As it turns out he's totally my type. Broke, foreign, older than me, a metal head, a gamer, an otaku, witty, pervy, nationalistic, and creative. You'd think I'd fall head over heels in love with this discovery but for some reason I didn't. I was asking myself why I wasn't. Maybe it's because I'd been moaning hopelessly in love with my forever friendzoner. Maybe it's because I'm actually in love with my friendzoner...that's a crazy thought.
But anyways, it was more just curiosity and admiration than anything.
The first thing he told me was that he found me attractive. The last thing he told me was that I was beautiful, no lie, and that I better never forget it.

He made me want to smile. He made me want to love myself again. I didn't feel ashamed or self-conscious before him like I do before my Friendzoner. I felt like I owed to happiness to myself and him for making it possible for me. He saw something in me I couldn't see in myself.

He greets me today, telling me I'm beautiful.
As it turns out we're both stuck in the friendzone. It's an odd concept...two people in love with people they can't have, coming together to share an odd friendship/attraction. I don't think there's a word for what we have. It's not bad though...

Today was a reality check.

Today I'm changing my outlook.

I'm not going to spend my life dreaming up dreams that'll never come true.
I'm not going to lie to myself any longer.

If I'm here and they're there, it's not gonna work.
If I'm this age and he's that age, it's not gonna work out.

It's sad but it's true.

I'm not going to make a fool of myself though.

I don't know what love is.

I'm gonna stop pretending I do.
My feelings change with each passing day.
I'm not gonna pressure myself to fall in love.
I'm not gonna question myself.
I'm gonna let what happens happen.

My life still may end, but I'm just gonna have to roll with it and make do with whatever's left. But I'll be happy while I can.

I'm not gonna live for them anymore.
I'm gonna give them space.
I'm gonna keep them close, but comfortable.

I don't know how I feel about Scandy exactly. But there's no way he'll be interested in me since he sees everything so clearly. And I just have to accept that. We can be more, but less than what society thinks. We can support each other and joke around to keep each other smiling. It doesn't have to make sense. It just has to be.

My online life

I talk to people online all day, okay? It's been this way for years. It's how I spend my down time. I'm antisocial, don't have many friends, so I like to have some when I get home, you know? They either build me up or break me down, it's true. I get too attached. They live in different countries and are different ages. I don't need to be preached internet safety. I know what's safe and what's not. I know you shouldn't trust everyone, but after months of getting to know people and if they don't creep you out at all, you should probably be able to trust them. I'm not someone who's quick to trust. I take my time because I've been broken far too many times. It's true I fall easily. But this is my life. I fall time and time again, maybe I'll finally learn someday. These people are real to me. I spend half my day at least talking to them. Don't tell me they're not real. Just because you haven't met them doesn't mean that they're bad, they're creepers, they only want my body. Guess what, they live thousands of miles away! They're never gonna get anything! We're just friends! Why is it so hard to believe that two people who've never met, who may never, can be friends without being assumed that they're 50 year old perverts out to rape each other? Yeah, there are some sketchy people on the internet. That's true. I avoid them when I can. But these people, my friends, are not those people. I know them. Sometimes you're more of yourself in words than you appear to be in real life. Why do you have to take these dear people away from me? Why is it so hard to believe that someone else finds me intriguing and beautiful? Why does the age and location have to matter? You'd be fine if it was someone from school. But you don't know them. I know these people more than I'll ever know them. Maybe they'll break my heart, leave me someday. Maybe they'll ruin my life. I don't really know. But right now they basically are my life. I know it's not really healthy, that I should depend on myself, but I am weak and they make me feel stronger. Everyone needs someone. They are my someone. I know you're just trying to protect me, but seriously back the freak off. This is MY life. Maybe you're a part of it, but so are they. Maybe not in the same way. But they still are. You can't just take them away. I'll remember them forever. They're a part of me. Maybe I need this right now. You don't know what I've gone through. Maybe it's selfish, but let me have them. I'm not trying to spite anyone. This about me and only me. I'm not trying to lie or be dishonest. I'm just trying to survive.