These Doomed Conversations

I'm sick of these doomed conversations.
I know you're not going to talk to me today.
You talked to me yesterday.
Never could it happen two days in a row.
Maybe in one more day you'll talk to me, but I really doubt it.
Within the next five days for sure though.
Then you might start to miss me.


I hate this. I want to talk to you so badly all the time. I'd do almost absolutely anything for you. I love you so much. But then a lot of the time I think about how much I hate you, how much pain you cause me, how much I put up with for you, and you have no idea. I doubt you feel the same about me, but then you always make me feel like the bad guy when I say this isn't working out. You don't want to lose me.
You talk to me almost on a schedule, days spread apart. It's like something to check of your to-do list. I'm sick of it! I look forward to hearing from you so much, but it only ends in disappointment. It's a crappy conversation. I know it is. And I know I'll want to cry over it the minute it's over and all of the next days to come.
Why do we even do this?


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For Myself

Sometimes you just need to do things for yourself.
So I wrote a poem, I poured out my heart, how I was feeling and I put it online. No one seemed to even read it. I mean, that's kinda disheartening, I really wanted people to read it and be like "Hey, you're right!"
It was an uplifting poem. I don't write those everyday.
It was actually good. Not that usual crap.
But whatever.
I needed to write it for myself.
I needed to put it out there. To take that chance.
It was about people caring, just not being able to show it.
They care. They just don't know how to show it.
I'll love them anyways. The world is a sad, confused, place. Right now I'll just have it out there for myself and for anyone else who might read it and benefit from it, but remain silent because of all our social tendencies and cliques.

It's sorta like blogging.
You do it for yourself.
You can't do it for the numbers.
They won't come.
They just won't.
So do it for yourself.



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Just Plain, Just Existing

Do you ever feel like sometimes no one is seeing for you really are; like you're invisible? Do you ever feel plain and unworthy? Do you feel like you're just surviving? Well, I feel like that quite often anyways, though I try not to when I can help it. There are few people I talk to, it's just my fate that I'm not usually surrounded by the people I want to be. Most of my day I spend silently, cynically, watching. I watch other people with friends laugh and socialize. I just watch. I don't even really try to jump in. Maybe that's my own fault. But they have their friends, I have mine, they're just never around...
I don't like being looked at as the loner all the time. It bothers me how there will be plenty of people who sit quietly in class by themselves, and they're not accused of being strange, yet I am. Why me? I'm awkward and I know it. I'm insecure about every move I make. I'm afraid to even reach into my bag. That's how bad things are at times. I don't like most other people. I don't know why I let the fear of their opinion bother me so much. I'm striving to just attack life head on and act as I please, though still with moral decision of course. I just am tired of feeling constrained; not being who I am.
I feel like I'm in a rut. I wake up the same time, arrive the same time, eat at the same times all everyday. I'm blending in to the dreary pattern of life. I want to be fully submerged into every moment, fully awake, fully alive. I don't want to be this walking zombie. I don't want to be awkward and weird like everyone thinks I am. I want them to see me for who I really am. I don't know why I don't let them. I don't like them anyway. I've never fit in, why do I act like I'm trying to?
I hadn't even intended to write about this topic. It' always on my mind...I could go on forever...it's odd how I'd been having a pretty decent day, then out of the blue I felt invisible once again...
One day the world will see me.

The Confused Unloved

There are so many wonderful people out there that feel unloved. For instance, think of all those blogs out there where people sadly say how no one reads their work and how hopeless they feel. In my opinion blogging is more for yourself, and if other people read, that's great. You should never start out doing something though to impress other people. You should start things for yourself and your own satisfaction.
I just can't get over how many brilliant people there are out there that fall into depression and sadness because they feel like they're calling out into the dark, that no one notices them. I've been there, I know what it feels like, but you must remember that someone does care. You just might not know it, or they haven't found you and your talent yet.
Stay strong and know that you are loved. Love yourself if nothing else.

A Tearful Day With A Happy Ending

So today has been a horrible day for me. I don't think I've ever really cried in public, but I did today. I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle my new burdens and challenges, but I feel better now. My friends have consoled me. I put up a status on Facebook I was so depressed. I'm not one to share my feelings with the world, but today I just felt the need. I don't like to cry out for attention like that, but I guess I did today, and I do feel better. It's great to hear from friends you sort of forgot about, tell you that they love and care about you. There's hard times ahead, but maybe with my friends' support I'll be able to make it through. The people who cheer you up when you're down are your true friends.
I'll keep fighting.

Oh, Well, Still Good

"Disappointments are just God's way of saying: 'I've got something better for you.' "
Haha, this quote would have been good the other day, but is still true nonetheless.

Just...eh

Well, he didn't remember, he didn't care, it didn't bother him at all. That's that. He's not worth it. I've always known that. I have to hope, I have to dream though. He's just made me realize that this is reality. He doesn't care that much about me. He can say he does, but he really doesn't. He'll talk to me when he has time, and I guess that'll just have to be enough. I really didn't want this to bother me so much. What I thought was going to happen, happened. Why is this so hard? So I'll smile at him and say it's fine while I cry inside, knowing that it's not. I don't even feel guilty this time about his excuses. This was really on him, it's his fault, not mine. I don't feel guilty, I just feel disappointed...I'm disappointed that I wasted my summer on him and that this is how it had to end.
He's just a boy, just a boy. I'll be strong, I'll hold on, I'll move on.