Tuesday, March 20, 2012

An Ode to Abandonment


It's not even that I'm alone. It's not even that you've abandoned me.
That gets me thinking, what exactly does abandon mean?

to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert

Well, that just makes me sound really over dramatic. I last spoke to you 3 or 4 days ago. It's really not that long. It really isn't. I realize that. But I think about you what seems every second of the day. When I wake up you're one of the first things on my mind. I ask myself why I'm alive, what my motivation is, and then I become hopeful -- I have you. Maybe today you'll decide you want to talk to me. Maybe I'll feel loved for a moment.

I'm reading the Great Gatsby and I was watching a video about how the person thought that basically every main character is terribly hopeful. I'm terribly hopeful. Hopeful in a bad way. Like Gatsby, I'm putting all my bets on you. And I know you won't live up to my expectations. I know that. You've already failed me so many times. But I can't just give up on you. You're my "incarnated" dream. You're what I've set my sights on.

I've often thought of breaking off whatever I have with you. I feel like you speak to me once or twice a week out of obligation. Like I'm some annoying pet or something. I'm that kid you gave birth to but never wanted, but you have to take care of you. I'm that kid you leave at home when you go to work and you feel bad so you buy me an expensive gift. Except that it's not like that at all.
I just feel like I'm this annoyance. Like you loved me once, but you don't anymore. I was your best friend, once. But not anymore. But you can't let go of someone you used to love, someone who used to be your best friend, can you? Can you ever go back to being friends after falling in love? Was it, is it even love?

I want you to talk to me because you want to talk to me, not because you feel obligated to. I want to feel comfortable about you. I want to stop turning you into some god that you're not. That's just the thing, I see all your flaws, yet I hold you both so high above and so low below myself. We're just not on the same level, except that we are...

I want to be myself around you. I want to say whatever's on my mind. I want you to show interest. I want you to care. But maybe that's too much to ask.

I want to tell you exactly what I'm feeling toward you. I want to do it without you making excuses and apologizing. I want to do it without feeling embarrassed or foolish.

I want to be able to point out what's wrong without fearing that I'll lose it all.

I'm sick of asking how you are and you never asking me. I'm sick of you just leaving mid-conversation.

I'm sick of living like I can't live without you when I'm never even with you.

I don't want to feel like I have to make things right, like I have to please you, like I have to be perfect for you.

I don't want our existence to be defined by the few hours we spend together every few months. I don't want to build up to those events just for me to fall out of love when we're together and to fall back in love and blame myself as soon as you leave.

This just isn't working, but I feel like I can't speak up now. I need to see you. I need to be with you. I'm needy. If you leave me alone for 10 minutes I assume you've left me. Imagine what 4 days is like. By now I assume that you hate me, that I said something wrong, that you never loved me, that none of this has ever been real.

Monday, March 19, 2012

I find it funny

I find it funny how a few years ago when I first got a Facebook that no one, absolutely no one liked or commented on any of my things, for years. Mainly because I was a confused angsty child who couldn't pull of emo...or anything else for that matter. Sure, I'd comment stupid things on other people's stuff, but they'd never comment on mine. In their defense, I was's actually really embarrassing. I've since tried to be more cautious of how much of my stupidity I share with the world. It's actually sad though how a minute after I put something up I'll feel like it was stupid. I just don't know how to say anything without sounding stupid...I find it amazing that I actually made a few friends online though haha. I have no idea how people could have taken me seriously. But a few did. It's crazy to think of how much I've grown up in the past few years. You can really see that through writing. Every day I mature a little bit.
Now lots of people like and comment on my stuff. It actually blows my mind. All these people that I'm not necessarily friends with, that I don't comment or like any of their stuff. It's like the tables have turned. It's crazy. People have decided to be nice and I've turned cold. It's the irony of my life.


Saturday, March 10, 2012

Messed Up

Everything's messed up today. So I went to a speech meet today in the town I went to school as a child in. That town is my least favorite place in the world. It really is. It's only a few miles away, but I can't stand it. It's ugly, the houses are small, the people in it are mean. It just brings back bad memories. I feel bad hating everyone in the town though, just because a few people in that town treated me like crap.

Me and people these days...our relationship isn't normal. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm tired of starting conversations for them to just end. I don't text anyone or chat anyone anymore. I'm so afraid of saying goodbye that I can't say hello. I don't know what to talk about. Somehow I've cut myself off from the world. No one wants to talk to me.

I want to talk to the boy I love. But I always wait for him to talk to me. I don't want to bother him. If he wanted to talk to me, he would, right? But I always want to talk to him. I understand that most of our conversations lately aren't very interesting. I don't really even know why we talk. It doesn't lead to anything. But I love talking to him more than anything. I spend so much time wishing that I was talking to him, and then when I am...I just am. I don't understand it.

I think it's silly that I spend so much time worrying about what he'll think of me, what to say, when he should just love me for me. I should just be myself. I feel like he doesn't know the real me, but I don't know how he's ever going to see it. He's known the fake me for so long.

Conversation, relationships, they all just seem pointless. I don't like thinking this way. I really don't. But it's just how I feel today. As I sat listening to other people's "poems", I didn't even try to listen. I didn't have the motivation, the ability to care. I stopped trying. I gave up. I don't like giving up. I really don't.

This one guy that I've seen around before, one who looks like a favorite celebrity of mine was there today. I'd like nothing more than to go up to him and tell him that he's one of the handsomest men I've ever seen and that he's perfect. But what would happen after that? I already have my guy. It would be creepy. He doesn't know me. There's all these people I come to fancy so much, but I never say anything to them because they're so out of my league, I fear the rejection. But I mean, it would be weird to just go up to someone and say they're hot and walk away. I'd like to be able to do that, but what good would it do?
I just don't know anything today.

It's gorgeous out. It's warm and sunny. It's so nice...

This year is inching and flying by. It's been over two months since I've seen him. It feels so much longer. What have I done this year? I haven't talked to anyone. I was in that stupid play...I've gone to classes and come home. I wrote a book. I wrote a few short stories. I feel like I haven't done anything though. This year feels so boring. Last year I created all these memories that I look back on. There's nothing to look back on this year. I've kept to myself, and it hasn't been any fun at all. As much as I don't want to admit it, I need other people.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Get over it

I can tell myself I'm over it, I'm not living in the past, all I want, but it's not true. If I was I wouldn't be so prejudiced against so many people. I'd be nicer. I'd be happier. I need to move on. I need to forget about the people that've hurt me. I've grown up, I've learned. So have they, and if they haven't, well they'll always be horrible I guess. But I need to be a better person and stop treating others poorly because people used to treat me poorly. I can't let myself stoop to their level and dwell on things that happened years ago. Because right now people are being nice to me and I'm treating them coldly. What happened to that nice person I used to be, if I ever was? It's time to change.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Blessed and Special

So in contrast to my previous post, I'm blessed. There are some people out there that care about me. Nothing makes me happier than when someone I don't know that well has a high opinion of me. "Truth is" or "To be honest" status annoy some people. Not me as much though. Some people are really thoughtful. People that I know but am not necessarily friends with have written some really kind things about me: things that not even my friends or family would ever even say about me. Haha, I suppose that's because they don't know me that well. But moments like these restore faith in myself, like maybe I'm not as horrible of a person as I think I am. That maybe I am beautiful. Maybe I am smart. Maybe I am nice. If someone else thinks so, maybe it's true. I feel so awful sometimes too because these people that compliment me, I never would've said the same things about them. I'm a highly cynical and judgmental person. I don't want to be, but I am. There are some decent people out in the world.
And then I have this wonderful friend who treats me like royalty. I avoid him a lot though. Sometimes I need space. But I do have a few really good people in my life. Sometimes I can just become so absorbed in my own misery I fail to acknowledge the good things I have.

What to do?

What do you do when your best friend finds a new best friend? I've had it that my former best friends didn't consider me their best friends, but this friend is just the greatest person and I love them more than anything and I don't think I'll ever be able to find anyone I could love anymore. I feel bad feeling jealous or whatever I'm feeling. My friend is happy. I like the other person she's now so close to. It's just that my friends have all these other friends that for some reason I've just never gotten to know. They put up with me, some of them invite me to stuff, but I think it's just because I'm friends with their friends. I don't want that kind of friendship. But I really don't have that many friends. It takes a lot for someone to be a friend in my mind. My best friend is pretty much my only real friend at school. It makes me sad to think about. She's the only one I feel comfortable around, being myself. Then I might have one other friend in the whole world, but I never even see her. These are just awful feelings. She deserves this friend. I wish I could just let it go, but I can't. I want to be her best friend. She'll always be mine.

I feel like we've been drifting apart for awhile, this year really. I haven't even known her two years though. But the short time I've known her, she's become my definition of friendship. We have everything in common and are almost like twins in the sense that we say the same things at the same time, we're always thinking the same things, and feeling the same. No one will ever be able to understand me like her. This year I just feel so stupid though. I talk a lot. Like a lot, a lot. I tell her everything. She knows so many details about my life. I feel like I'm just bothering her though, like I'm drowning her in my problems. Everyone likes her. No one really likes me. She can get out there and talk to people if she needs to. That's the difference between us. No one cares about me. Everyone loves her though. She's like the better version of me. Her stories are funnier, she's nicer, she's smarter, she has better style...she's just so much fun to be around! And me, I'm just a basket case. I'm so lucky to have a friend like her. Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I haven't appreciated her enough. All I know is that I can't lose her.