A turning point?

It's strange. I feel like I've come to a turning point in my life. This morning I was literally awoken to a nightmare. Almost everything I hold dear was being threatened to be taken away from me. I spent the day agonizing over my punishment and what my life would become. I almost had breakdowns multiple times. I almost poured my heart out to someone who never gives me the chance to speak. I left for work feeling somewhat composed, but I soon became seriously depressed. I almost felt ill I was so sad. I've never really ever seriously considered suicide before, but I thought to myself "If I felt like I do right now everyday there's just no way I would be able to go one living" it wasn't that I wanted to think that or that I want to kill myself, it's just that that is seriously how bad I was feeling. That's how much this matters to me. The last few days have been sorta crazy. I've gone from falling in love yet again with the guy I thought I was over to weeping about being stuck in the friendzone, agonizing on how to get out of it, feeling like crap, begging anyone who would listen for advice, to yelling at him, and then to laughing it all off.


And then I meet him...my Scandy Dream. I already knew him, I just didn't know him.
He's a simple type. He told me everything I'd ever wanted to hear within moments he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Obviously this isn't for real. But I wouldn't really mind. At this point I basically didn't know him at all. But when you're stuck in hopeless love marrying the first stranger who pays you a compliment doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I'm just crazy, but the thought was alright to me. Devoting your life to someone you neither love nor hate...it might not be so bad. Better than heartache, right? It's pretty sad, I know.

http://letsgetmarriedeveryone.tumblr.com/

But this guy, he gets it. He gets it better than that stupid one-night-rave-date guy. I didn't think anyone would be able to top his smooth cheesy pick-up lines. You see, rave boy got it. He picked up right away. That light bulb in his simple dull little head lit up and said "A girl just asked me to dance. I'm a guy. I'm attracted to women. She's not totally ugly. This could be alright. I'm at a convention. She likes the same things as me! Score!"
Maybe it's shallow, but at least he picked up quicker than any other guy thrown in my life. And that's what made me miss him. Someone had never complimented me so much in my life as he did in that one night. I didn't really even like him. But it didn't matter. Someone finally got it.

http://saucesome.net/pic/tag/color

But Scandy as I'll call him, gets it. He gets it better than I think anyone ever will. He put the pieces together real fast. Maybe not as fast as Rave Boy, but he sees the picture much clearer. He's not just in this for one night.
You know someone's special when you fit their type so perfectly they express desire to marry (when they hate the idea of marriage) within about 3 minutes of talking to you. I mean, I'd talked to him before but the conversation had just never sparked. But I think we've got it now.

An instant friendship and attraction was born. But it's not like one I've ever had before. It's a love I've never felt before.

http://s492.photobucket.com/albums/rr285/spreckis-pics/?action=view&current=robot-1.jpg&newest=1

As it turns out he's totally my type. Broke, foreign, older than me, a metal head, a gamer, an otaku, witty, pervy, nationalistic, and creative. You'd think I'd fall head over heels in love with this discovery but for some reason I didn't. I was asking myself why I wasn't. Maybe it's because I'd been moaning hopelessly in love with my forever friendzoner. Maybe it's because I'm actually in love with my friendzoner...that's a crazy thought.
But anyways, it was more just curiosity and admiration than anything.
The first thing he told me was that he found me attractive. The last thing he told me was that I was beautiful, no lie, and that I better never forget it.

He made me want to smile. He made me want to love myself again. I didn't feel ashamed or self-conscious before him like I do before my Friendzoner. I felt like I owed to happiness to myself and him for making it possible for me. He saw something in me I couldn't see in myself.

http://havepleasureinmakingsomeonesmile.blogspot.com/

He greets me today, telling me I'm beautiful.
As it turns out we're both stuck in the friendzone. It's an odd concept...two people in love with people they can't have, coming together to share an odd friendship/attraction. I don't think there's a word for what we have. It's not bad though...

http://www.ehow.com/info_8056303_ideas-win-him-back.html

Today was a reality check.

Today I'm changing my outlook.

I'm not going to spend my life dreaming up dreams that'll never come true.
I'm not going to lie to myself any longer.

http://thaleia.wordpress.com/2009/05/25/shattered-mirror/

If I'm here and they're there, it's not gonna work.
If I'm this age and he's that age, it's not gonna work out.

It's sad but it's true.

I'm not going to make a fool of myself though.

http://media.photobucket.com/image/splattered%20heart/Dr_pepper0221/icons/Heart10.gif?o=11

I don't know what love is.

I'm gonna stop pretending I do.
My feelings change with each passing day.
I'm not gonna pressure myself to fall in love.
I'm not gonna question myself.
I'm gonna let what happens happen.

http://banksystreetart.tumblr.com/post/414398636/allnewscene-reaching-for-or-letting-go-of

My life still may end, but I'm just gonna have to roll with it and make do with whatever's left. But I'll be happy while I can.


I'm not gonna live for them anymore.
I'm gonna give them space.
I'm gonna keep them close, but comfortable.


I don't know how I feel about Scandy exactly. But there's no way he'll be interested in me since he sees everything so clearly. And I just have to accept that. We can be friends...plus more, but less than what society thinks. We can support each other and joke around to keep each other smiling. It doesn't have to make sense. It just has to be.

Take a Deep Breath and Say Goodbye

Ugh...*dramatic sigh* I just can't take this any longer. It's been going on for about a year now: me loving you, you acting like you might. Even though we've both admitted it since then, you treat me worse than ever. Have you lost your love for me? I hate blaming you when I know there's so much going wrong in your life, but you're putting me through hell. You said you'd wait for me. You're not doing anything to stay with me. I don't know if you're being this lazy because you think I'll just take it, or what. Maybe I'm high maintenance, but I really don't think I'm asking for much. I'm asking for you to be honest with me: to not lie. I'm asking you to be open with me: not acting, but actually being yourself. I'm asking you to care: talk more than 5 minutes a week. I really don't think I'm asking for much. And I hate blaming myself for all of your mistakes. I'm beautiful, and you don't appreciate me. You'll never find another me. Why don't you treasure me? You're wasting not only my time, but your own. I think we're both in this state where we're both so ugly and depressed that no one else wants us, but sorrow can't keep us together. You've given into yours, and I'm still dreaming of you finding happiness in me. But I'm not enough. That's the sad part. I'm not enough for you. And you're not enough for me.

If there was a way that I could make you know what I've been feeling this past year, I'd make you feel it. But I'm shy and slightly in awe of you, as stupid not only as it sounds, but as it is. We're both in this odd trance around each other. We don't want to disappoint. No. There I go again, giving you too much credit.
It's never gonna work out between you and me.

So why can't I just let go? Yeah, I'll be all alone. But we were friends before all this. We're some of each other's best friends. Want to know why I'm yours? I put up with your crap. That's the only reason why. That's the sad part.

I need to just lock the door and never look back. But I keep wanting to give you another chance. It seems we're just getting to know each other after nearing 4 years. We're 7/8 under the surface. There's so much we could've done, but you've just been such a coward. I was going to say that that's our problem, we're cowards, but no. This is really your fault, not mine.

These Doomed Conversations

I'm sick of these doomed conversations.
I know you're not going to talk to me today.
You talked to me yesterday.
Never could it happen two days in a row.
Maybe in one more day you'll talk to me, but I really doubt it.
Within the next five days for sure though.
Then you might start to miss me.


I hate this. I want to talk to you so badly all the time. I'd do almost absolutely anything for you. I love you so much. But then a lot of the time I think about how much I hate you, how much pain you cause me, how much I put up with for you, and you have no idea. I doubt you feel the same about me, but then you always make me feel like the bad guy when I say this isn't working out. You don't want to lose me.
You talk to me almost on a schedule, days spread apart. It's like something to check of your to-do list. I'm sick of it! I look forward to hearing from you so much, but it only ends in disappointment. It's a crappy conversation. I know it is. And I know I'll want to cry over it the minute it's over and all of the next days to come.
Why do we even do this?


http://www.flickr.com/photos/theodoraa/5869342304/

What to do?

What do you do when your best friend finds a new best friend? I've had it that my former best friends didn't consider me their best friends, but this friend is just the greatest person and I love them more than anything and I don't think I'll ever be able to find anyone I could love anymore. I feel bad feeling jealous or whatever I'm feeling. My friend is happy. I like the other person she's now so close to. It's just that my friends have all these other friends that for some reason I've just never gotten to know. They put up with me, some of them invite me to stuff, but I think it's just because I'm friends with their friends. I don't want that kind of friendship. But I really don't have that many friends. It takes a lot for someone to be a friend in my mind. My best friend is pretty much my only real friend at school. It makes me sad to think about. She's the only one I feel comfortable around, being myself. Then I might have one other friend in the whole world, but I never even see her. These are just awful feelings. She deserves this friend. I wish I could just let it go, but I can't. I want to be her best friend. She'll always be mine.

http://www.helpothers.org/story.php?sid=29991

I feel like we've been drifting apart for awhile, this year really. I haven't even known her two years though. But the short time I've known her, she's become my definition of friendship. We have everything in common and are almost like twins in the sense that we say the same things at the same time, we're always thinking the same things, and feeling the same. No one will ever be able to understand me like her. This year I just feel so stupid though. I talk a lot. Like a lot, a lot. I tell her everything. She knows so many details about my life. I feel like I'm just bothering her though, like I'm drowning her in my problems. Everyone likes her. No one really likes me. She can get out there and talk to people if she needs to. That's the difference between us. No one cares about me. Everyone loves her though. She's like the better version of me. Her stories are funnier, she's nicer, she's smarter, she has better style...she's just so much fun to be around! And me, I'm just a basket case. I'm so lucky to have a friend like her. Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I haven't appreciated her enough. All I know is that I can't lose her.

A Summarized Evening

Rawr. I'm sorta ticked off, but already sorta to the "I don't even care" point. So this relative of mine told this guy that I refused to do something for this other person and asked if they would do it because I wouldn't. Now I look like a horrible person in that guy's mind, more than I already am. I have a a terrible shyness around them and probably come off incredibly arrogant and cold. But anyways, I'm just super ticked off. So that guy was like hey, she can do that, then told me I should do it, but then tried to guilt trip me with the "you can do whatever you want" line and a five minute lecture. So now I'm basically forced to do this favor that I thought I refused to do, about six months ago. I was shocked to hear it brought up. Some people never drop anything.
I'm aware that this is so summarized, it probably makes no sense. Sorry. It's hard to explain, but I just have to at least try to express this to get my frustration out.

A Night of Missing and Music

So I've been missing a certain person lately. These songs sort of reflect some of what I'm Feeling:

"My Favorite Dream" by Mae

(Just discovered their music tonight)

"Wish You Were Here" by Hey Monday. (A beloved band to me).

(And just saying, I don't own the music/videos in any way)

It's that whole idea that you'll find someone that means so much to you, but deep down you know that you mean nothing close to them as to what they mean to you.
Not hearing from someone for over a week drives me crazy. I'll come up with wild ideas why they haven't tried talking to me.

I feel like I'm drifting away from a beloved friend. Distance always seems to do that... =P But we were never even that close to begin with...it seems like this just isn't meant to be...but then why did it get so far?

It's painful. I realize that my emotions might not be mutual(...then was I being led on?) I'm left wondering; left to be cautious. It's really quite cruel. They made promises to me...they never keep them! I should know better to always fall back into their tricks, but they're just so genuine, and I want to love them so much!
I feel like if I'm not on their mind every few days, they'll/ have forgotten about me.
What hurts the most though is the uncertainty. I don't know if they're worth missing, if my emotions for them are strong enough to make any effort at all.

It's probably best to just let this person go, like I let "him" go...but I don't want this person to be another "him". I want a friendship to last. I know that they're better. But they're not nearly good enough...