Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Being Happy For Others

I have a hard time being happy for others. I'm a rather self-centered person most of the time. It's hard for me to accept that there are people out there that are better than me at certain things, even though I already know it. Writing is a good example. I am in no way the greatest writer to ever life. I'm better than some people though, and at times I think I let that go to my head. Then when I read work by other people, sometimes I'll just feel downright ashamed. I'll realize how talented others are compared to me, and how I should be working harder and be more focused so that I can be that good too. I guess all I really want to say is that I'm sorry. I'll try to work harder, but not to out-do anyone, but to do my best.

Monday, September 26, 2011

People in Your Life

When you're struggling, God always finds a way to cheer you up. Today I was in a rather sour mood. I was sick and annoyed by everyone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I rarely see my friends, but I wasn't even talking to them. I felt like I didn't have anything to say and nothing to offer. But then of course when I didn't feel like talking to anyone, they texted me, sent me video chat calls, chat messages...I can't help but give into that. And now I'm happy. I know a few half decent people who every once in a while can cheer me up. God always sends us what we need even when we don't think it's what we want. He's always looking out for us. Never lose faith in His Love. Never give up hope. I may not be as close as I want to be to God, but as long as I keep my mind and heart opened to His transformations, everything will be alright.

Also, if you're interested, I invite you to take a look at my blog Weird Lame Interesting Awesome...Life: I've recently re-purposed it, if you will. It includes more detailed accounts of events happening in my life and my thoughts on them in a more casual tone.

Thank you for reading!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Quick Update

I have a very tight schedule and no time to post this right now, but I just need to type this down.
They're back!
They're back in my life for the time being.
Yes, more lame excuses, but sincere and genuine, as usual. So I'll forgive and try to forget, yet again.
I'm happy, but am not expecting much. My heart can only take so much, so I'll try to pace myself so I won't fall so hard again, but I hope that they will stick around and not let me down.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

A Night of Missing and Music

So I've been missing a certain person lately. These songs sort of reflect some of what I'm Feeling:

"My Favorite Dream" by Mae
(Just discovered their music tonight)
"Wish You Were Here" by Hey Monday. (A beloved band to me).

(And just saying, I don't own the music/videos in any way)

It's that whole idea that you'll find someone that means so much to you, but deep down you know that you mean nothing close to them as to what they mean to you.
Not hearing from someone for over a week drives me crazy. I'll come up with wild ideas why they haven't tried talking to me.

I feel like I'm drifting away from a beloved friend. Distance always seems to do that... =P But we were never even that close to begin seems like this just isn't meant to be...but then why did it get so far?

It's painful. I realize that my emotions might not be mutual(...then was I being led on?) I'm left wondering; left to be cautious. It's really quite cruel. They made promises to me...they never keep them! I should know better to always fall back into their tricks, but they're just so genuine, and I want to love them so much!
I feel like if I'm not on their mind every few days, they'll/ have forgotten about me.
What hurts the most though is the uncertainty. I don't know if they're worth missing, if my emotions for them are strong enough to make any effort at all.

It's probably best to just let this person go, like I let "him" go...but I don't want this person to be another "him". I want a friendship to last. I know that they're better. But they're not nearly good enough...

Friday, September 16, 2011

To Be A Friend

It really doesn't take that much to be a friend. Haha, that's an odd thing to hear from me. I'm terribly shy. But occasionally I'll meet a person and I'll just know that we'll be friends, and we might become friends. You need to smile and wave when you see them, show genuine interest, invite them to things, make them feel included, and offer to go with them places or help them. You should ask how their day is going and wish them luck with their events. Even if you don't have much in common, if you display loyalty, their trust is yours.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Never let anyone make you feel ugly. You are beautiful just the way you are.
First of all, it should just be put out there that I'm a horribly self-loathing-narcissist. Half the time I think I'm disgustingly ugly, the other half I think I'm gorgeous.
Beauty is really just an opinion, a mindset, in a way. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Everyone has their own definition of beauty. If you compare yourself to others you're going to get nowhere. Maybe if you're in a room of unhygienic people you'll feel beautiful. But perhaps if you're in a room filled with super models you'll feel ugly. A lot has to do with surroundings. True beauty comes from yourself though, the condition of your soul, your personality, and you present yourself to the world. Beauty through confidence shines brighter than through any appearance.
I've had people tell me that I'm ugly to my face. It's something that no one wants to hear and something that no one should have to. Maybe it doesn't sound that bad, but when people tell you that while you're still growing up, you'll believe it. I've lived my life believing that half the time I'm ugly, half the time that I'm beautiful, because people like my grandparents or older people would tell me that I was beautiful, while others told me or made me feel the opposite. But when you're growing up, who do you listen to, people your age, or older people? You're going to listen to the popular outspoken people your own age, because you fear them because they make you believe that they are superior.
If I could name one feature about myself that I like, I'd say that I like my smile. I like to smile. I like being happy. If I could transfer the confidence and radiance I have when I smile at myself in the mirror or at a friend, my whole life would be different. I compare myself to others though. I let myself be influenced by the people around me. I let myself believe that I'm not as good as them, not as pretty; ugly.
I'm going to change though. I'm not going to live my life any longer in fear of what others think, because in all honesty no one really cares. Everyone's so wrapped in themselves, you could really mean less to most people. You need to live for yourself, love yourself, until love is sewn into your destiny. Don't get me wrong though, you need to help others, trust others, but you must learn to love yourself first. Treat yourself and others as God would.
You are beautiful, you are God's child. You are made in His Image. Never forget it. You can shine because God's Light is within you. You just need to let it out and lead the way for others.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Enjoying Life in the Present?

You know how you'll look back and think "oh, those were good times then...if only I had known it at the time..."? I was thinking about that today as I went out to play tennis, and I thought to myself, what does it take to truly live in the moment and enjoy it? I feel like I always have some doubt, some inhibition, in the back of my mind, something holding me back from truly living life happily. I don't know what it takes to live in the moment. Maybe it's to just let go and to let yourself be happy. Sometimes you do need to force yourself to be happy, I realize this.
As I walked out to the courts I noticed my surroundings. There I was, playing tennis. I wasn't that good, but I was getting better all the time. Under the shady trees with the cool autumn breeze and temperatures rolling in, life was beautiful. Autumn had arrived and taken over the summer. We have no say, but this change was welcome to me. Summer slipped away before my eyes. So my life will do the same if I don't take some action to make life mean something. There I stood looking out at the quiet suburban streets. Life was alright. It wasn't as bad as I was always making it seem. My life was and is not perfect, and it never will be. I need to accept this, and let myself live as well as I possibly can in every moment. I don't want my life to be one big regret of all the hate I felt, all the happiness I deprived myself of, and I won't let it end up that way.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Thinking Things over...:/

I'm considering leaving you as you are, just as I did with him. I was so convinced that I was in love with him. I knew he didn't love me though. I stopped trying to see if he would make an effort. He made none. We haven't spoken in months. That's just how it is. Occasionally I'll think of him. I don't miss him though. I don't miss being unappreciated. At the time I couldn't live without him, but now I am and I'm doing just fine.
I found you and thought that everything was alright once again, my friend, the guy that's there to listen to me. You have so many things in common with him, but you're so much better too. With him, I made all the effort. With you, you always make the first move. You're more of a man than he'll ever be even though you act more like a child than he.
Times have changed, looking back I see how much I've grown up and I know that I'll just keep growing. I'm not going to make the same mistakes that I made with him. Sometimes I wonder if you care, always breaking your promises. I know that's just how you are, but sometimes it hurts seeing the real you.
I don't know what I want. I almost want to be rid of you. You're not part of my here and now. You're far away, but I don't want to let you go. Who else do I have? I don't want to waste my time though. But I hate being alone. I want to be with you again, I want to hear the truth. I can handle it, I just need to know what it is, or what it was. I'm afraid your mind might or has changed. I'm not sure what I want to hear, but I want to hear something, so I can stop wondering, so I can make peace, let myself fall for you, or let you go. Right now it's all in your hands...I have little choice. If you let me go, it's your own fault due to your own errors.
I've come to accept that I never loved him, I had merely made an idol out of him. You're a hope, a somewhat attainable dream, a desire, a fantasy. I know I don't love you though. Back then I thought I was so in love, I felt so strongly for him, and now knowing that it was nothing near love, I can only imagine how forceful and life changing love really is and I look forward to the day I find it.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Confused Unloved

There are so many wonderful people out there that feel unloved. For instance, think of all those blogs out there where people sadly say how no one reads their work and how hopeless they feel. In my opinion blogging is more for yourself, and if other people read, that's great. You should never start out doing something though to impress other people. You should start things for yourself and your own satisfaction.
I just can't get over how many brilliant people there are out there that fall into depression and sadness because they feel like they're calling out into the dark, that no one notices them. I've been there, I know what it feels like, but you must remember that someone does care. You just might not know it, or they haven't found you and your talent yet.
Stay strong and know that you are loved. Love yourself if nothing else.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Caught in the In-between

A friend said to give it a month. Give my feelings a months to sort themselves out. It's been about two weeks, and I'm lost, more than ever before. I'd call it love because I didn't know what else to say, but now I'm surrounded by people other than you, and I see that there's other options, but no one can compare to you. With everyday that passes by, everyday that you don't talk to me, I feel us slipping apart, my feelings fading, leaving me hopelessly confused. I'm clinging to previously felt emotions, and I don't know how long I can hang on.
I'm happy right now, I am. You're not really in my life right now. You still matter to me, it still hurts when you break your promises, but I've just come to accept it I guess. Is that good or bad? Will I always settle for less? Right now is a confused time though, I know that one day things will make sense.