These Past Few Days

These past few days I've been fairly depressed. He promised he'd make it work, that he'd see me, but he hasn't even called. He's been avoiding me. What did I do wrong? We were so happy just earlier this week. Why do I always feel like it's my fault? I know it's not. Why does this always happen to me? I can't even describe how angry and pitiful I've been these past few days. I've been wasting my precious life away, caring about him. I've gotten so depressed I can't even do anything. He's stolen my motivation. Why did I let him take it? I sort of knew this would happen, so I don't know why it's effecting me so strongly. He's just a stupid boy. I know he's not the one for me. But I'm so lonely. He's the one thing I have to strive for. He understood me. He's such a coward...he can't even face me. I just don't understand. I know I mean something to him. Why do I only matter some times? I want to matter all the time. He's always mattered to me. I know I'm probably not going to marry him, or ever even move beyond friends, or even get to that point, but I can't help wondering what if. I can't keep making excuses though. I can't keep forgiving. I don't want to let him go. What will I have left? My life I suppose. I feel like I should be fine without him, but I won't be. I've known him for years now. Life would go on, but it would be so empty. Maybe I just need a constant torment in my life. I'm angry with myself for getting so depressed over something as stupid as him. He shouldn't even matter to me. I've known all along that he's a waste of time, but I can't keep him off my mind. And if I say goodbye to him, what will all the effort I spent matter? Years of my life wasted. I know this isn't anything new for most people. But it's just so difficult... I think of that other man I loved. One day I decided not to talk to him, and he decided not to either, and nothing's been said since. Years...years of my life right there, in one decision, I just quit what my life had become. He had become my life. Why do I let people take over so much of my life? I only get hurt. I decide to take these risks, but don't pursue them thoroughly. I never tell them I love them, I only make it obvious. But they never care.
And if that wasn't enough, I go to a party with my friends. Even then, no one likes me. I sit around listening to how wonderful everyone's life is, and I'm thinking about how crappy and messed up mine is. I can't even find anything good to say, and I feel bad about it. I feel ungrateful. I know I have a much better life than a lot of people, but I let stupid people like him hold me down. I want to just not care about what people think of me like some of my friends do. Why can't I be that strong? Or why can't I speak up? Why can't I demand attention? I want to matter. I want people to see me for who I am and what I can be. I don't want people to introduce me as "she's quiet". That's just because I can never fit a word in. I have plenty to say, I just wait for the world to give me the chance, but it never does.
I don't know who I am anymore. He's stolen who I am. Gotta recreate myself. It's always been a difficult task, rearranging who I am constantly, because nothing ever works out for me. Taking down all the pictures in my room, putting up new.
Here's to a new beginning.