An Ode to Abandonment

 

http://valioza.deviantart.com/ 

It's not even that I'm alone. It's not even that you've abandoned me.
That gets me thinking, what exactly does abandon mean?

...........

to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert

Well, that just makes me sound really over dramatic. I last spoke to you 3 or 4 days ago. It's really not that long. It really isn't. I realize that. But I think about you what seems every second of the day. When I wake up you're one of the first things on my mind. I ask myself why I'm alive, what my motivation is, and then I become hopeful -- I have you. Maybe today you'll decide you want to talk to me. Maybe I'll feel loved for a moment.

I'm reading the Great Gatsby and I was watching a video about how the person thought that basically every main character is terribly hopeful. I'm terribly hopeful. Hopeful in a bad way. Like Gatsby, I'm putting all my bets on you. And I know you won't live up to my expectations. I know that. You've already failed me so many times. But I can't just give up on you. You're my "incarnated" dream. You're what I've set my sights on.

I've often thought of breaking off whatever I have with you. I feel like you speak to me once or twice a week out of obligation. Like I'm some annoying pet or something. I'm that kid you gave birth to but never wanted, but you have to take care of you. I'm that kid you leave at home when you go to work and you feel bad so you buy me an expensive gift. Except that it's not like that at all.
I just feel like I'm this annoyance. Like you loved me once, but you don't anymore. I was your best friend, once. But not anymore. But you can't let go of someone you used to love, someone who used to be your best friend, can you? Can you ever go back to being friends after falling in love? Was it, is it even love?

I want you to talk to me because you want to talk to me, not because you feel obligated to. I want to feel comfortable about you. I want to stop turning you into some god that you're not. That's just the thing, I see all your flaws, yet I hold you both so high above and so low below myself. We're just not on the same level, except that we are...

I want to be myself around you. I want to say whatever's on my mind. I want you to show interest. I want you to care. But maybe that's too much to ask.

I want to tell you exactly what I'm feeling toward you. I want to do it without you making excuses and apologizing. I want to do it without feeling embarrassed or foolish.

I want to be able to point out what's wrong without fearing that I'll lose it all.

I'm sick of asking how you are and you never asking me. I'm sick of you just leaving mid-conversation.

I'm sick of living like I can't live without you when I'm never even with you.

I don't want to feel like I have to make things right, like I have to please you, like I have to be perfect for you.

I don't want our existence to be defined by the few hours we spend together every few months. I don't want to build up to those events just for me to fall out of love when we're together and to fall back in love and blame myself as soon as you leave.

This just isn't working, but I feel like I can't speak up now. I need to see you. I need to be with you. I'm needy. If you leave me alone for 10 minutes I assume you've left me. Imagine what 4 days is like. By now I assume that you hate me, that I said something wrong, that you never loved me, that none of this has ever been real.