Messed Up

Everything's messed up today. So I went to a speech meet today in the town I went to school as a child in. That town is my least favorite place in the world. It really is. It's only a few miles away, but I can't stand it. It's ugly, the houses are small, the people in it are mean. It just brings back bad memories. I feel bad hating everyone in the town though, just because a few people in that town treated me like crap.

Me and people these days...our relationship isn't normal. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm tired of starting conversations for them to just end. I don't text anyone or chat anyone anymore. I'm so afraid of saying goodbye that I can't say hello. I don't know what to talk about. Somehow I've cut myself off from the world. No one wants to talk to me.

I want to talk to the boy I love. But I always wait for him to talk to me. I don't want to bother him. If he wanted to talk to me, he would, right? But I always want to talk to him. I understand that most of our conversations lately aren't very interesting. I don't really even know why we talk. It doesn't lead to anything. But I love talking to him more than anything. I spend so much time wishing that I was talking to him, and then when I am...I just am. I don't understand it.

I think it's silly that I spend so much time worrying about what he'll think of me, what to say, when he should just love me for me. I should just be myself. I feel like he doesn't know the real me, but I don't know how he's ever going to see it. He's known the fake me for so long.

Conversation, relationships, friendships...today they all just seem pointless. I don't like thinking this way. I really don't. But it's just how I feel today. As I sat listening to other people's "poems", I didn't even try to listen. I didn't have the motivation, the ability to care. I stopped trying. I gave up. I don't like giving up. I really don't.

This one guy that I've seen around before, one who looks like a favorite celebrity of mine was there today. I'd like nothing more than to go up to him and tell him that he's one of the handsomest men I've ever seen and that he's perfect. But what would happen after that? I already have my guy. It would be creepy. He doesn't know me. There's all these people I come to fancy so much, but I never say anything to them because they're so out of my league, I fear the rejection. But I mean, it would be weird to just go up to someone and say they're hot and walk away. I'd like to be able to do that, but what good would it do?
I just don't know anything today.

It's gorgeous out. It's warm and sunny. It's so nice...

This year is inching and flying by. It's been over two months since I've seen him. It feels so much longer. What have I done this year? I haven't talked to anyone. I was in that stupid play...I've gone to classes and come home. I wrote a book. I wrote a few short stories. I feel like I haven't done anything though. This year feels so boring. Last year I created all these memories that I look back on. There's nothing to look back on this year. I've kept to myself, and it hasn't been any fun at all. As much as I don't want to admit it, I need other people.

http://vimeo.com/28736362