Most Things on My Mind

Today's been overall a very thoughtful day. I was with my teammates going to an away meet. The drive was about an hour away. Surprisingly, I really fell in love with the area we were driving through. It was still considered part of the metro area, but it was like all these little wooded farms right on the side of the road. It wasn't really rural in my mind because houses and farms were consistently following one another. I always dream about the future. I'm not so much of a dreamer in the present or past, but when it comes to the future I am. I imagined myself moving out to the area with the guy I love. It would be great, just everything would be a ways away. That's what bothers me about myself. I can't ever just enjoy anything. I mean, this is a freaking fantasy, and I'm thinking "hmmm, well we'd better have good paying jobs to live this far out." Who cares about that, honestly?! Living out in the country with someone you love -- that's awesome! Who cares what you do for a living? You're in the beautiful country with someone you love!

http://b-womeninamericanhistory19.blogspot.com/2010/12/snowy-19th-century-american-countryside.html

I was having one of those days where you just realize how much of a loner you are. You know you're a loner when you can't even fit in on your own team. My closest friend on the team was being a player, flirting around, and gaming, like always. All the other people my age were listening to their music, talking to their friends, or falling all over my friend. I looked out the window silently, like always.
I love looking out the window. It really was a beautiful drive. It's just, humans are always searching for acceptance.

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I really don't like anyone at my school, hardly even my friends most of the time. In some of my classes I literally sit in the back by myself when everyone else is in groups. It's just how it is. I'm through beating myself up for not talking to the snobs. Yeah, I should be less anti-social, but I should stop caring so much. I'll talk to someone if I feel like it. I'm done feeling obligated and crappy.

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When I see other teams, I wish I went to their schools, that I was on their teams. They all seemed to be friends, all seemed to get along. They seemed to appreciate. They seemed not so stuck up. But they always say the grass in greener on the other side.

I go to Church. I know God's there. I know He's much larger than me. I know He's done great things for me, but right now it's hard for me to know much else. With all the things people say, it's hard to know what to believe anymore. For the first time I'm really questioning everything. I'll always believe though. I could never forget my love for God.

I think about the person I love. I don't see them much. Some times I feel really down because we're apart. What's the use of putting any effort into my appearance? What's the use of buying all these new clothes? There's only one person I care about looking nice for, and they already think I'm beautiful. But I tell myself, I need to do it for myself. I need to look good for myself. I can't live a life of reaction. I try to convince myself that I'd be, I am, fine without them. But once you're loved, that feeling never goes away.

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