I feel like crap and I don't really even know why. I guess I'm just sick of being yelled at by people. But then I'm sick of being left alone by others. I want to talk to people, but I've been so arrogant to think that they actually enjoy my presence, so now I'm stuck in loneliness since they're all sick of me. Maybe it's my own fault. I don't like who I am as a person, okay? But it's hard to change. I only want to talk to a few people, but the ironic thing is that they're all assholes. I keep living this life I don't enjoy. I never do anything.
I'm sick of poverty. I'm sick of mediocrity. I want a good job, I want to be a billionaire so frickin' bad, I wanna lived in a gated community and just stay there forever. But I'd feel guilty with all the money. And I wouldn't like my neighbors, they'd all be stuck-up and somehow more impressive than me. And I'm not even doing well with the opportunities I have right now, I'm a lazy bum, so it's highly unlikely that that will ever happen. But I'm sick of this suburban decay. Everything just keeps getting worse and worse. I need to get out of this town before it's too late. I'll be forced to see the same things everyday for the rest of my life. Making minimum wage. Meet some local guy I don't really love, but get married anyways. Send the kids to the school down the street. And they'll be trapped here forever too. Doesn't that just sound great? I don't want this. And I'm not even bad off. This is a good, clean town, yet I can't even handle it. So spoiled, but so deprived at the same time.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Born again, broken
I don't really know what's going on. I feel like I've died but my ghost has been thrust back inside me. The life I've known has ended. Nothing else is beginning though. Or it doesn't seem to be. Everyone's turning their back on me and I don't have any idea why. I know I'm not that interesting, probably annoying, but if they put up with it for so long, why end it now? I'm sorry if I hold on too tight, alright? I'm sick of leeching onto people till I suck them dry and I'm forced to move onto the next person I see. I'm just gonna kill everyone this way. I need someone to pull me off them, detach my razor sharp teeth, see past my ugly nature, and embrace me. I'm not saying I deserve it. But that's what I'd like/need to happen for anything to start going right in my life.
I've been doing a lot of reading this weekend about Anne Morrow Lindbergh. She says you have to be narcissistic to write. I find that slightly comforting. I'm definitely narcissistic. But when you think about it, it really is true. Who are you to tell someone else's story? What's so great about you to share your own story? Who do you think you are thinking that you have anything to offer the world?
But anyways she wrote A LOT. Especially in her diary. I have one...sort of...but I rarely use it. Mainly because I have to dig it out from it's hidden location. And then it'll suck up a few hours of my day because there's always more on my mind than I ever realize, which is pretty scary. So I usually avoid it. I never want to write about "events" either like it seems you'd want to...I need to write most often on days when absolutely nothing is happening. That's when I lose it. I should probably write more, it always does make me feel better. I'm in a really crappy mood. I don't really know how to put it in words. I'm too lazy to get my diary out so I'm just typing here. It just seems like every feeling has already been felt, what's the point of even writing it out? But Anne made it all seem important the way she wrote everything. Maybe feelings do matter. I mean, I know they do, but...I wondered for a moment that if people ever just get used to sadness and somehow come to abhor happiness. But you can't define happiness can you? It's different to each person. Cookies may be joy to me but depression to someone else who finds lasagna heavenly and I find it disgusting. So their happiness would be my dismay and so forth...that's a weird example, but anyways...everyone hates sadness. You might learn how to cope, but it will always wear you down. I just can't understand people who proclaim that the world sucks and that they're always sad. Yeah, it's pretty much true, but they make it sound like they don't enjoy anything and that they have no hope. I've been depressed, I don't know if I've ever really recovered, but I always held onto something and wasn't proud of my sorrow.
This weekend I started out in a bad mood and still am in one. I'm losing everyone close to me. I thought about my ex a lot. I think I was missing him...more missing certain aspects. It seems foolish looking back, but he did matter to me. I know that, but in a way I've forgotten. I erase specific pain from memory as to somehow comfort myself, but overall it stains memories, my entire life. I miss the innocence. I miss having him alone to care about. I miss talking...though I still to him. It's not the same, but it's easier right now. But it's not the same. There's an odd friendship. There's nothing, yet everything there. Two people who've never truly gotten to know each other, but that know each other better than anyone else. But that aren't willing to share anything overly personal. That can't ever see each other. That run out of things to say. But always come back to each other anyways. There are no romantic feelings anymore. But that's okay. I knew all along that we would just never be like that. But I wanted to think otherwise. I can't be so cruel to myself to ask why. It's so obvious. But now thinking about it, the chemistry was just all wrong...but now that it's over similarities keep coming. We grow more the same with each day. Yet my feelings fade more all the time. But I still miss him somehow.
But now my thoughts shift to Scandy. I'm concerned for him, I really am. I want to say I love him, but it's not in a way I can really describe. I lust after him and I respect him as a person, I care about him dearly, but something is missing. I think his respect for me. His refusal to believe in a dream. I know it would never work out. And I've admitted that early on, which is good. But I'll never give up my dreams, the dreams he refuses to even give a chance. It's already sort of falling apart, but I don't know...maybe it's better that it happens earlier on that getting all attached and being even more heartbroken later. But I don't think of the same anymore lately.
"Love" has disillusioned me. The "love" I know is an illusion. It's not real. I'm not so hateful to say it doesn't exist, but it doesn't in the ways everyone says it does. From my reading on Anne and just from different ideas and opinions I hear lately, I just don't believe in it, think of it the same way. I recall reading something like "marriage isn't just about love". And I'm beginning to believe it. And sex isn't the greatest thing in the world like society is making it seem. There's more to life. Not every love story is filled with white horses, beach getaways, and expensive dining. Not every prince is handsome or worthy of love. The same goes for the princesses. They're not all that special. Sometimes love just happens. You don't always choose. The why, where, when, it just happens. You can't go out looking for love. It has to come to you. I don't know exactly how it works, I'm just a dumb teenager. But I'm not going to search anymore. It's lead to too many dead-ends. I'm not saying it'll be easy. But I have to at least try. I might be lonely, but I'm not going to be desperate anymore. Focus on myself more. Right now there's very little to love about me. I need to fall in love with myself for a change instead of avoiding how much I hate myself and living off of the moments someone else sees something in me.
Love is strange...my thoughts, my feelings...they're all changing.
I'm alone and broken. For now. But I'll grow stronger.
Like I phoenix I've been reborn...I have new dreams, new aspirations. If I fall I might break some bones, but I will fly again. And if I should perish, well at least I can say I died trying.
I've been doing a lot of reading this weekend about Anne Morrow Lindbergh. She says you have to be narcissistic to write. I find that slightly comforting. I'm definitely narcissistic. But when you think about it, it really is true. Who are you to tell someone else's story? What's so great about you to share your own story? Who do you think you are thinking that you have anything to offer the world?
But anyways she wrote A LOT. Especially in her diary. I have one...sort of...but I rarely use it. Mainly because I have to dig it out from it's hidden location. And then it'll suck up a few hours of my day because there's always more on my mind than I ever realize, which is pretty scary. So I usually avoid it. I never want to write about "events" either like it seems you'd want to...I need to write most often on days when absolutely nothing is happening. That's when I lose it. I should probably write more, it always does make me feel better. I'm in a really crappy mood. I don't really know how to put it in words. I'm too lazy to get my diary out so I'm just typing here. It just seems like every feeling has already been felt, what's the point of even writing it out? But Anne made it all seem important the way she wrote everything. Maybe feelings do matter. I mean, I know they do, but...I wondered for a moment that if people ever just get used to sadness and somehow come to abhor happiness. But you can't define happiness can you? It's different to each person. Cookies may be joy to me but depression to someone else who finds lasagna heavenly and I find it disgusting. So their happiness would be my dismay and so forth...that's a weird example, but anyways...everyone hates sadness. You might learn how to cope, but it will always wear you down. I just can't understand people who proclaim that the world sucks and that they're always sad. Yeah, it's pretty much true, but they make it sound like they don't enjoy anything and that they have no hope. I've been depressed, I don't know if I've ever really recovered, but I always held onto something and wasn't proud of my sorrow.
This weekend I started out in a bad mood and still am in one. I'm losing everyone close to me. I thought about my ex a lot. I think I was missing him...more missing certain aspects. It seems foolish looking back, but he did matter to me. I know that, but in a way I've forgotten. I erase specific pain from memory as to somehow comfort myself, but overall it stains memories, my entire life. I miss the innocence. I miss having him alone to care about. I miss talking...though I still to him. It's not the same, but it's easier right now. But it's not the same. There's an odd friendship. There's nothing, yet everything there. Two people who've never truly gotten to know each other, but that know each other better than anyone else. But that aren't willing to share anything overly personal. That can't ever see each other. That run out of things to say. But always come back to each other anyways. There are no romantic feelings anymore. But that's okay. I knew all along that we would just never be like that. But I wanted to think otherwise. I can't be so cruel to myself to ask why. It's so obvious. But now thinking about it, the chemistry was just all wrong...but now that it's over similarities keep coming. We grow more the same with each day. Yet my feelings fade more all the time. But I still miss him somehow.
But now my thoughts shift to Scandy. I'm concerned for him, I really am. I want to say I love him, but it's not in a way I can really describe. I lust after him and I respect him as a person, I care about him dearly, but something is missing. I think his respect for me. His refusal to believe in a dream. I know it would never work out. And I've admitted that early on, which is good. But I'll never give up my dreams, the dreams he refuses to even give a chance. It's already sort of falling apart, but I don't know...maybe it's better that it happens earlier on that getting all attached and being even more heartbroken later. But I don't think of the same anymore lately.
"Love" has disillusioned me. The "love" I know is an illusion. It's not real. I'm not so hateful to say it doesn't exist, but it doesn't in the ways everyone says it does. From my reading on Anne and just from different ideas and opinions I hear lately, I just don't believe in it, think of it the same way. I recall reading something like "marriage isn't just about love". And I'm beginning to believe it. And sex isn't the greatest thing in the world like society is making it seem. There's more to life. Not every love story is filled with white horses, beach getaways, and expensive dining. Not every prince is handsome or worthy of love. The same goes for the princesses. They're not all that special. Sometimes love just happens. You don't always choose. The why, where, when, it just happens. You can't go out looking for love. It has to come to you. I don't know exactly how it works, I'm just a dumb teenager. But I'm not going to search anymore. It's lead to too many dead-ends. I'm not saying it'll be easy. But I have to at least try. I might be lonely, but I'm not going to be desperate anymore. Focus on myself more. Right now there's very little to love about me. I need to fall in love with myself for a change instead of avoiding how much I hate myself and living off of the moments someone else sees something in me.
Love is strange...my thoughts, my feelings...they're all changing.
I'm alone and broken. For now. But I'll grow stronger.
Like I phoenix I've been reborn...I have new dreams, new aspirations. If I fall I might break some bones, but I will fly again. And if I should perish, well at least I can say I died trying.
Friday, July 13, 2012
A turning point?
It's strange. I feel like I've come to a turning point in my life. This morning I was literally awoken to a nightmare. Almost everything I hold dear was being threatened to be taken away from me. I spent the day agonizing over my punishment and what my life would become. I almost had breakdowns multiple times. I almost poured my heart out to someone who never gives me the chance to speak. I left for work feeling somewhat composed, but I soon became seriously depressed. I almost felt ill I was so sad. I've never really ever seriously considered suicide before, but I thought to myself "If I felt like I do right now everyday there's just no way I would be able to go one living" it wasn't that I wanted to think that or that I want to kill myself, it's just that that is seriously how bad I was feeling. That's how much this matters to me. The last few days have been sorta crazy. I've gone from falling in love yet again with the guy I thought I was over to weeping about being stuck in the friendzone, agonizing on how to get out of it, feeling like crap, begging anyone who would listen for advice, to yelling at him, and then to laughing it all off.
And then I meet him...my Scandy Dream. I already knew him, I just didn't know him.
He's a simple type. He told me everything I'd ever wanted to hear within moments he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Obviously this isn't for real. But I wouldn't really mind. At this point I basically didn't know him at all. But when you're stuck in hopeless love marrying the first stranger who pays you a compliment doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I'm just crazy, but the thought was alright to me. Devoting your life to someone you neither love nor hate...it might not be so bad. Better than heartache, right? It's pretty sad, I know.
But this guy, he gets it. He gets it better than that stupid one-night-rave-date guy. I didn't think anyone would be able to top his smooth cheesy pick-up lines. You see, rave boy got it. He picked up right away. That light bulb in his simple dull little head lit up and said "A girl just asked me to dance. I'm a guy. I'm attracted to women. She's not totally ugly. This could be alright. I'm at a convention. She likes the same things as me! Score!"
Maybe it's shallow, but at least he picked up quicker than any other guy thrown in my life. And that's what made me miss him. Someone had never complimented me so much in my life as he did in that one night. I didn't really even like him. But it didn't matter. Someone finally got it.
But Scandy as I'll call him, gets it. He gets it better than I think anyone ever will. He put the pieces together real fast. Maybe not as fast as Rave Boy, but he sees the picture much clearer. He's not just in this for one night.
You know someone's special when you fit their type so perfectly they express desire to marry (when they hate the idea of marriage) within about 3 minutes of talking to you. I mean, I'd talked to him before but the conversation had just never sparked. But I think we've got it now.
An instant friendship and attraction was born. But it's not like one I've ever had before. It's a love I've never felt before.
As it turns out he's totally my type. Broke, foreign, older than me, a metal head, a gamer, an otaku, witty, pervy, nationalistic, and creative. You'd think I'd fall head over heels in love with this discovery but for some reason I didn't. I was asking myself why I wasn't. Maybe it's because I'd been moaning hopelessly in love with my forever friendzoner. Maybe it's because I'm actually in love with my friendzoner...that's a crazy thought.
But anyways, it was more just curiosity and admiration than anything.
The first thing he told me was that he found me attractive. The last thing he told me was that I was beautiful, no lie, and that I better never forget it.
He made me want to smile. He made me want to love myself again. I didn't feel ashamed or self-conscious before him like I do before my Friendzoner. I felt like I owed to happiness to myself and him for making it possible for me. He saw something in me I couldn't see in myself.
He greets me today, telling me I'm beautiful.
As it turns out we're both stuck in the friendzone. It's an odd concept...two people in love with people they can't have, coming together to share an odd friendship/attraction. I don't think there's a word for what we have. It's not bad though...
Today was a reality check.
I'm not going to spend my life dreaming up dreams that'll never come true.
I'm not going to lie to myself any longer.
If I'm here and they're there, it's not gonna work.
If I'm this age and he's that age, it's not gonna work out.
It's sad but it's true.
I'm not going to make a fool of myself though.
My feelings change with each passing day.
I'm not gonna pressure myself to fall in love.
I'm not gonna question myself.
I'm gonna let what happens happen.
My life still may end, but I'm just gonna have to roll with it and make do with whatever's left. But I'll be happy while I can.
I'm not gonna live for them anymore.
I'm gonna give them space.
I'm gonna keep them close, but comfortable.
I don't know how I feel about Scandy exactly. But there's no way he'll be interested in me since he sees everything so clearly. And I just have to accept that. We can be friends...plus more, but less than what society thinks. We can support each other and joke around to keep each other smiling. It doesn't have to make sense. It just has to be.
And then I meet him...my Scandy Dream. I already knew him, I just didn't know him.
He's a simple type. He told me everything I'd ever wanted to hear within moments he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Obviously this isn't for real. But I wouldn't really mind. At this point I basically didn't know him at all. But when you're stuck in hopeless love marrying the first stranger who pays you a compliment doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I'm just crazy, but the thought was alright to me. Devoting your life to someone you neither love nor hate...it might not be so bad. Better than heartache, right? It's pretty sad, I know.
But this guy, he gets it. He gets it better than that stupid one-night-rave-date guy. I didn't think anyone would be able to top his smooth cheesy pick-up lines. You see, rave boy got it. He picked up right away. That light bulb in his simple dull little head lit up and said "A girl just asked me to dance. I'm a guy. I'm attracted to women. She's not totally ugly. This could be alright. I'm at a convention. She likes the same things as me! Score!"
Maybe it's shallow, but at least he picked up quicker than any other guy thrown in my life. And that's what made me miss him. Someone had never complimented me so much in my life as he did in that one night. I didn't really even like him. But it didn't matter. Someone finally got it.
You know someone's special when you fit their type so perfectly they express desire to marry (when they hate the idea of marriage) within about 3 minutes of talking to you. I mean, I'd talked to him before but the conversation had just never sparked. But I think we've got it now.
An instant friendship and attraction was born. But it's not like one I've ever had before. It's a love I've never felt before.
As it turns out he's totally my type. Broke, foreign, older than me, a metal head, a gamer, an otaku, witty, pervy, nationalistic, and creative. You'd think I'd fall head over heels in love with this discovery but for some reason I didn't. I was asking myself why I wasn't. Maybe it's because I'd been moaning hopelessly in love with my forever friendzoner. Maybe it's because I'm actually in love with my friendzoner...that's a crazy thought.
But anyways, it was more just curiosity and admiration than anything.
The first thing he told me was that he found me attractive. The last thing he told me was that I was beautiful, no lie, and that I better never forget it.
He made me want to smile. He made me want to love myself again. I didn't feel ashamed or self-conscious before him like I do before my Friendzoner. I felt like I owed to happiness to myself and him for making it possible for me. He saw something in me I couldn't see in myself.
He greets me today, telling me I'm beautiful.
As it turns out we're both stuck in the friendzone. It's an odd concept...two people in love with people they can't have, coming together to share an odd friendship/attraction. I don't think there's a word for what we have. It's not bad though...
Today was a reality check.
Today I'm changing my outlook.
I'm not going to spend my life dreaming up dreams that'll never come true.
I'm not going to lie to myself any longer.
If I'm here and they're there, it's not gonna work.
If I'm this age and he's that age, it's not gonna work out.
It's sad but it's true.
I'm not going to make a fool of myself though.
I don't know what love is.
I'm gonna stop pretending I do.My feelings change with each passing day.
I'm not gonna pressure myself to fall in love.
I'm not gonna question myself.
I'm gonna let what happens happen.
My life still may end, but I'm just gonna have to roll with it and make do with whatever's left. But I'll be happy while I can.
I'm not gonna live for them anymore.
I'm gonna give them space.
I'm gonna keep them close, but comfortable.
I don't know how I feel about Scandy exactly. But there's no way he'll be interested in me since he sees everything so clearly. And I just have to accept that. We can be friends...plus more, but less than what society thinks. We can support each other and joke around to keep each other smiling. It doesn't have to make sense. It just has to be.
My online life
I talk to people online all day, okay? It's been this way for years. It's how I spend my down time. I'm antisocial, don't have many friends, so I like to have some when I get home, you know? They either build me up or break me down, it's true. I get too attached. They live in different countries and are different ages. I don't need to be preached internet safety. I know what's safe and what's not. I know you shouldn't trust everyone, but after months of getting to know people and if they don't creep you out at all, you should probably be able to trust them. I'm not someone who's quick to trust. I take my time because I've been broken far too many times. It's true I fall easily. But this is my life. I fall time and time again, maybe I'll finally learn someday. These people are real to me. I spend half my day at least talking to them. Don't tell me they're not real. Just because you haven't met them doesn't mean that they're bad, they're creepers, they only want my body. Guess what, they live thousands of miles away! They're never gonna get anything! We're just friends! Why is it so hard to believe that two people who've never met, who may never, can be friends without being assumed that they're 50 year old perverts out to rape each other? Yeah, there are some sketchy people on the internet. That's true. I avoid them when I can. But these people, my friends, are not those people. I know them. Sometimes you're more of yourself in words than you appear to be in real life. Why do you have to take these dear people away from me? Why is it so hard to believe that someone else finds me intriguing and beautiful? Why does the age and location have to matter? You'd be fine if it was someone from school. But you don't know them. I know these people more than I'll ever know them. Maybe they'll break my heart, leave me someday. Maybe they'll ruin my life. I don't really know. But right now they basically are my life. I know it's not really healthy, that I should depend on myself, but I am weak and they make me feel stronger. Everyone needs someone. They are my someone. I know you're just trying to protect me, but seriously back the freak off. This is MY life. Maybe you're a part of it, but so are they. Maybe not in the same way. But they still are. You can't just take them away. I'll remember them forever. They're a part of me. Maybe I need this right now. You don't know what I've gone through. Maybe it's selfish, but let me have them. I'm not trying to spite anyone. This about me and only me. I'm not trying to lie or be dishonest. I'm just trying to survive.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Potential
I feel like a freaking loser. I've done nothing with my life. I'm not that great at anything, but I never really try. I feel like I have this potential, but I'm just too lazy to use it. I need something to awaken me...I've known I've been wasting my life my entire life, but when will I finally wake up?!
Monday, June 18, 2012
What does it matter?
All I can think about as tears form in my eyes is that I love you and that you're probably never going to love me. I don't know why, but I'm angry at you. I'm angry knowing that you'll never love me. I'm angry that you ever made me fall in love, to put me through this again, for leading me on as much as you have. I can't blame you for everything, no I can't. But why does this have to happen to me again? Why do we have to have an age? Why are we being assigned numbers? Who decided airline fares and how far hearts can travel? I know it hasn't been long, but I love you. Maybe not for long, maybe not forever, but right now I want you to be mine.
I wanna tell you how I feel, but I think you already know, so why ruin the show? I don't know if you even did love me if you'd ever have the guts to say it though. I'm sure I'll tell you someday if you don't. Maybe it'll end it all, but at least I'll finally get it off my chest. I just hate going into something knowing that I'll fail, that I'll end up alone, without you.
We can lie and say we'll be friends, but it never works that way. It's all or nothing, baby you and I. Yeah, that's from that one song by that one band. Yeah, it is, alright? Every song reminds me of you. I don't know what this is, this sick obsession with you. You're such an idiot, such a loser, just like he was, but that's why I love you. Maybe I'm not over him yet and I'm just making all the same mistakes. But you suck even more. This whole situation sucks a whole lot more!
But what am I to do? I know it's not going to work out anyway. Why make it last any longer than it has to? Then it'll just be more painful anyways. But I'm afraid that maybe it's just too soon, maybe you'll warm up to me some more. You told that one girl that I'm your good friend. But that's not enough for me. Are you being modest, or is that all I am? Can you handle losing me? I'm sure you can.
But then I get thinking, if I'm just some friend why do you send me hearts, saying you miss me? Sure Internet culture, sarcasm, whatever. Maybe it's bull s***, maybe it's not. I'm just pissed off right now. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, depending on you and when you decide to go to sleep. You're not much to look forward. We hardly even say anything. You don't really care. You never give me clear answers. You're ridiculous. Why the freak do I waste my time on you?
But it's not going to work out anyways, so what does it matter?
I wanna tell you how I feel, but I think you already know, so why ruin the show? I don't know if you even did love me if you'd ever have the guts to say it though. I'm sure I'll tell you someday if you don't. Maybe it'll end it all, but at least I'll finally get it off my chest. I just hate going into something knowing that I'll fail, that I'll end up alone, without you.
We can lie and say we'll be friends, but it never works that way. It's all or nothing, baby you and I. Yeah, that's from that one song by that one band. Yeah, it is, alright? Every song reminds me of you. I don't know what this is, this sick obsession with you. You're such an idiot, such a loser, just like he was, but that's why I love you. Maybe I'm not over him yet and I'm just making all the same mistakes. But you suck even more. This whole situation sucks a whole lot more!
But what am I to do? I know it's not going to work out anyway. Why make it last any longer than it has to? Then it'll just be more painful anyways. But I'm afraid that maybe it's just too soon, maybe you'll warm up to me some more. You told that one girl that I'm your good friend. But that's not enough for me. Are you being modest, or is that all I am? Can you handle losing me? I'm sure you can.
But then I get thinking, if I'm just some friend why do you send me hearts, saying you miss me? Sure Internet culture, sarcasm, whatever. Maybe it's bull s***, maybe it's not. I'm just pissed off right now. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, depending on you and when you decide to go to sleep. You're not much to look forward. We hardly even say anything. You don't really care. You never give me clear answers. You're ridiculous. Why the freak do I waste my time on you?
But it's not going to work out anyways, so what does it matter?
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Maybe...
Hey, maybe this is sentimental, but...
just a week or two ago you were in love with me and we were best friends and had everything in common. You wanted to talk to me every second of the day. Now you don't even bother. It seems like I've somehow become a nuisance...why is it that ever since I left and came back, I've seemed to have lost all my friends? I told you all I would be gone...why are you all acting like you don't like me anymore? You still say you love me, but I know you're just saying it. Maybe it's best you move on from me since I can never love you like you hope and deserve. But you said we would always be friends. Now I'm acting like a fool trying to get your attention and you're playing the older and cooler one, bored with everything. You used to be fun and crazy. Where did you go? Where did I go? Where did everything go? I didn't even want to go on that trip...
just a week or two ago you were in love with me and we were best friends and had everything in common. You wanted to talk to me every second of the day. Now you don't even bother. It seems like I've somehow become a nuisance...why is it that ever since I left and came back, I've seemed to have lost all my friends? I told you all I would be gone...why are you all acting like you don't like me anymore? You still say you love me, but I know you're just saying it. Maybe it's best you move on from me since I can never love you like you hope and deserve. But you said we would always be friends. Now I'm acting like a fool trying to get your attention and you're playing the older and cooler one, bored with everything. You used to be fun and crazy. Where did you go? Where did I go? Where did everything go? I didn't even want to go on that trip...
Monday, May 21, 2012
Hi.
Hi. I just need to say that it's over, as you might have already guessed. You're probably sick of me bringing it up, so I'm just going to end it here. It's not that you're a bad person. You're not. But you're not good for me. You're dealing with problems, and so am I. It's too bad we couldn't help each other more. It seems you created quite a few problems for me, but you left me alone to suffer. And now without you I've found all of my own struggles, how many there are even without you. You were only adding problems to cover up the real ones. The moment of happiness wasn't worth the year of pain. I've learned a lot. I've grown up. I don't know what's going to happen. But what I know is that it's over and that I won't be coming back. It was a lot better in theory than it ever was or is going to be in reality.
Farewell.
Farewell.
I want to know why
I want to know why I always fall for the same kind of guys.
They don't even have to try. I fall for them anyways.
They don't have to even like me or pay any attention to me. I love them anyways.
They're not really even nice. There's nothing to really like about them, but for some reason I like them.
Why?
They don't even have to try. I fall for them anyways.
They don't have to even like me or pay any attention to me. I love them anyways.
They're not really even nice. There's nothing to really like about them, but for some reason I like them.
Why?
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Ridiculous
This is ridiculous.
I'm beautiful. The world is stupid. My happiness depends on no one but myself and my actions. I won't feel ashamed of what I love and enjoy. I am who I am. I might be alone sometimes, I may not live a glamorous life, but it's my life. It's time I start enjoying it and stop caring what anyone else thinks.
I'm beautiful. The world is stupid. My happiness depends on no one but myself and my actions. I won't feel ashamed of what I love and enjoy. I am who I am. I might be alone sometimes, I may not live a glamorous life, but it's my life. It's time I start enjoying it and stop caring what anyone else thinks.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Lonely
I've been feeling pretty lonely lately. I keep thinking how I'll just have to get used to that. But the truth is, I've been lonely with you for months. What difference will being alone without you make? At least then I'll be free.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
That Point
That point when I just don't care anymore.
That point when you don't consume my mind.
That point when I think of happiness, I don't think of you.
That point when I think of love, I don't think of you.
I think I'm at, or reaching that point.
And it feels just fine.
That point when you don't consume my mind.
That point when I think of happiness, I don't think of you.
That point when I think of love, I don't think of you.
I think I'm at, or reaching that point.
And it feels just fine.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Options
I'm not saying everything in my life sucks. I've got it a lot better than a lot of people. But this stupid guy keeps messing with my head. And it's not just any guy. It's the guy who my world's practically revolved around, and's been making me crazy, for over a year now.
I should be happy, I've got a guy who cares about me, right?
I'm not happy though.
When I'm talking to him I just get pissed off. Everything he says conflicts. Everybody's selfish. No body's worth any effort. WELL apparently I'm not worth it then either. Yet he has the nerve to say he misses me. Then I tell him that if I do this and he can do this, we can get together. But no. That requires effort. So he'll just keep on missing me.
I just want to scream at him! But what good would it do? He's an idiot and I know it.
He's a hypocrite. He's the one being selfish. It doesn't cross his mind that he might mean a helluva lot to me and that maybe I need to see him to maintain my sanity.
But no, he'd never realize that.
And then the stupid thing is the last time I saw him he didn't even care to be around me. He actually ditched me. We'd been talking about it for weeks, months, yet when I'm there, like he's been wishing for, I'm not good enough or something. I never have been.
I just don't understand why we keep lying to ourselves. It's not like this is easy in anyway. It's just stressing me out. And it's not like I'm doing him any good either. It's not like he lets me help him.
We're both just basket cases.
But he's one that needs space, and I'm one that needs to be consoled every second.
So yeah, it doesn't really work out. At all.
I'm just tired of letting this control my life. He's supposed to make me happy and help me and want to be with me and all these things. But he really doesn't care at all. So I should just leave him.
But I can't.
I'm floating in limbo here. Miles apart in a world of theory.
This whole thing is incredibly real to me, but also incredibly fake.
We're just dirty little secrets. Guilty pleasures.
And I hate it.
I hate feeling like my life depends on him. I hate that when I talk to him I only get mad. I hate feeling lonely because he's not talking to me. I hate talking to other people and realizing that I'm talking to them because he's not talking to me. I hate even when I feel "happy" because lately I only feel happy when I'm telling myself that I don't need him. I hate just living with this.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Take a Deep Breath and Say Goodbye
Ugh...*dramatic sigh* I just can't take this any longer. It's been going on for about a year now: me loving you, you acting like you might. Even though we've both admitted it since then, you treat me worse than ever. Have you lost your love for me? I hate blaming you when I know there's so much going wrong in your life, but you're putting me through hell. You said you'd wait for me. You're not doing anything to stay with me. I don't know if you're being this lazy because you think I'll just take it, or what. Maybe I'm high maintenance, but I really don't think I'm asking for much. I'm asking for you to be honest with me: to not lie. I'm asking you to be open with me: not acting, but actually being yourself. I'm asking you to care: talk more than 5 minutes a week. I really don't think I'm asking for much. And I hate blaming myself for all of your mistakes. I'm beautiful, and you don't appreciate me. You'll never find another me. Why don't you treasure me? You're wasting not only my time, but your own. I think we're both in this state where we're both so ugly and depressed that no one else wants us, but sorrow can't keep us together. You've given into yours, and I'm still dreaming of you finding happiness in me. But I'm not enough. That's the sad part. I'm not enough for you. And you're not enough for me.
If there was a way that I could make you know what I've been feeling this past year, I'd make you feel it. But I'm shy and slightly in awe of you, as stupid not only as it sounds, but as it is. We're both in this odd trance around each other. We don't want to disappoint. No. There I go again, giving you too much credit.
It's never gonna work out between you and me.
So why can't I just let go? Yeah, I'll be all alone. But we were friends before all this. We're some of each other's best friends. Want to know why I'm yours? I put up with your crap. That's the only reason why. That's the sad part.
I need to just lock the door and never look back. But I keep wanting to give you another chance. It seems we're just getting to know each other after nearing 4 years. We're 7/8 under the surface. There's so much we could've done, but you've just been such a coward. I was going to say that that's our problem, we're cowards, but no. This is really your fault, not mine.
If there was a way that I could make you know what I've been feeling this past year, I'd make you feel it. But I'm shy and slightly in awe of you, as stupid not only as it sounds, but as it is. We're both in this odd trance around each other. We don't want to disappoint. No. There I go again, giving you too much credit.
It's never gonna work out between you and me.
So why can't I just let go? Yeah, I'll be all alone. But we were friends before all this. We're some of each other's best friends. Want to know why I'm yours? I put up with your crap. That's the only reason why. That's the sad part.
I need to just lock the door and never look back. But I keep wanting to give you another chance. It seems we're just getting to know each other after nearing 4 years. We're 7/8 under the surface. There's so much we could've done, but you've just been such a coward. I was going to say that that's our problem, we're cowards, but no. This is really your fault, not mine.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Demasiado Tiempo
I spend far too much everyday wondering what people think of me, imagining what people think of me. It's just such a waste of time! People are going to think what they're going to think, I can't stop them! All the time I spend staring in the mirror...it doesn't really matter. Who am I trying to impress anyway? Why are we so concerned what others think? I don't want to be like everyone else, but I want to be accepted.
http://piecesofmeblog.com/
http://piecesofmeblog.com/
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Simply a high society world I can never understand because I was never born into, but somehow thrown into. That's why I'm an outcast.
But even now I know it's just an excuse. But it's a fairly legit excuse...
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Meticulous
So I'm really tired and stressed out. Our midtri project for web page design is coming up. Our instructor's been gone and he didn't tell us when it's due. I'm pretty sure it won't be due for days if not a week, but because I'm me I'm just finishing it for Monday. I've already spent pretty much the entire day working on it, all of Friday night, and even Thursday too. I don't even want to think about how much work I've put into it. I've even started over. I've changed everything a million times. And it's not even done yet. There's a lot of things I still need to add. But there's things we haven't even learned yet that we need to incorporate. So obviously it can't be due Monday...but what if it is? So I'll be like done on Monday and no one else will be and that's just lame. Just typical me. I have to say, I'm proud of my work though. I taught myself a lot of stuff this weekend and it actually looks pretty professional. But I've just spent so much dang time on it and I know it's just an assignment, that no one else is going to spent the amount of time I have. But I really like designing web pages and I want to do my best. Why is that such a bad thing? Why am I so stressed out?! Ugh! I guess I just feel like I've wasted a ton of time that I could've been working on my novel during or doing my homework that I actually know when it's due. Ughhhh, I create my own problems. I'm so stupid!
I feel like I need to get away from my computer. But I practically live on my computer. I need to get away from this stupid project that's consuming my life. But I live on my computer.
I mean, I did go on a walk, but that only takes up a little chunk of time. I've practiced guitar already. I watched an hour of anime. I've gone on my usual websites. I worked a bit on my novel. I did everything I would've wanted to do today really, but I just spent so much time on that stupid project...I really don't know what my problem is at this point. I wish I had more time this weekend, but I've had a pretty full day. But it feels empty for some reason. It's just been a terrible week. I've lost it a few times. I'm realllllllyyyyy stressed about everything. Maybe it's better to be stressed out about projects than other things. But I've just been freaking out all week and it's been terrible. Probably one of the worst weeks better. Friday was better until I began obsessing over this project. I'm not as stressed about other things, now I'm more stressed about this project. But I'm still stressed about the other things.
I'm rambling.
I know.
I need to get rid of this stress though! I've been so stressed I haven't even been all that ticked off at the person I usually spend at least 50% of my energy worrying about, missing, hating, and what not. It's been an odd lonely week. I've spent in wallowing in stress. It's been awful. I just have to say that.
http://antiworldnews.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/the-brain-6-lessons-for-handling-stress/
I feel like I need to get away from my computer. But I practically live on my computer. I need to get away from this stupid project that's consuming my life. But I live on my computer.
I mean, I did go on a walk, but that only takes up a little chunk of time. I've practiced guitar already. I watched an hour of anime. I've gone on my usual websites. I worked a bit on my novel. I did everything I would've wanted to do today really, but I just spent so much time on that stupid project...I really don't know what my problem is at this point. I wish I had more time this weekend, but I've had a pretty full day. But it feels empty for some reason. It's just been a terrible week. I've lost it a few times. I'm realllllllyyyyy stressed about everything. Maybe it's better to be stressed out about projects than other things. But I've just been freaking out all week and it's been terrible. Probably one of the worst weeks better. Friday was better until I began obsessing over this project. I'm not as stressed about other things, now I'm more stressed about this project. But I'm still stressed about the other things.
I'm rambling.
I know.
I need to get rid of this stress though! I've been so stressed I haven't even been all that ticked off at the person I usually spend at least 50% of my energy worrying about, missing, hating, and what not. It's been an odd lonely week. I've spent in wallowing in stress. It's been awful. I just have to say that.
http://antiworldnews.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/the-brain-6-lessons-for-handling-stress/
Thursday, April 12, 2012
More of the Worst
More of the Worst by Playradioplay!
(It's just that kind of day)
But seriously, his music always fits what I'm going through. He's my favorite musician. This is the song that fits me today. I'm pretty stressed out, but his music always calms me. It always strikes just the right balance. Dan, you'll never know how much I appreciate your music. Thanks. I mean it.
"Prices and tooth decay
It doesn't even matter every single day
Disturbing the frequencies
While sailing the seven seas
Oh oh oh...
Listen and you might hear
A sudden cease of laughter
No smile from ear to ear
Distorting the spectral waves
Liscenses and bills to pay
Oh oh oh...
Rebound and consequence
Braces and the money spent
Concerts and gravity
Reports on tendencies
Oh oh oh...
Watchdogs, electric fence
Private school and money spent
Oh boy I've been told
When I grow old
I'll be alone
But you must agree.
'Cause it's too late
And you can't win
One full year
There's still more
Secret lies and tour whores
I won't sit still, oh no.
She fits in so well.
Unaware of what you've done
(It's just that kind of day)
But seriously, his music always fits what I'm going through. He's my favorite musician. This is the song that fits me today. I'm pretty stressed out, but his music always calms me. It always strikes just the right balance. Dan, you'll never know how much I appreciate your music. Thanks. I mean it.
"Prices and tooth decay
It doesn't even matter every single day
Disturbing the frequencies
While sailing the seven seas
Oh oh oh...
Listen and you might hear
A sudden cease of laughter
No smile from ear to ear
Distorting the spectral waves
Liscenses and bills to pay
Oh oh oh...
Rebound and consequence
Braces and the money spent
Concerts and gravity
Reports on tendencies
Oh oh oh...
Watchdogs, electric fence
Private school and money spent
Oh boy I've been told
When I grow old
I'll be alone
But you must agree.
'Cause it's too late
And you can't win
One full year
There's still more
Secret lies and tour whores
I won't sit still, oh no.
She fits in so well.
Unaware of what you've done
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
These Doomed Conversations
I'm sick of these doomed conversations.
I know you're not going to talk to me today.
You talked to me yesterday.
Never could it happen two days in a row.
Maybe in one more day you'll talk to me, but I really doubt it.
Within the next five days for sure though.
Then you might start to miss me.
I hate this. I want to talk to you so badly all the time. I'd do almost absolutely anything for you. I love you so much. But then a lot of the time I think about how much I hate you, how much pain you cause me, how much I put up with for you, and you have no idea. I doubt you feel the same about me, but then you always make me feel like the bad guy when I say this isn't working out. You don't want to lose me.
You talk to me almost on a schedule, days spread apart. It's like something to check of your to-do list. I'm sick of it! I look forward to hearing from you so much, but it only ends in disappointment. It's a crappy conversation. I know it is. And I know I'll want to cry over it the minute it's over and all of the next days to come.
Why do we even do this?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/theodoraa/5869342304/
I know you're not going to talk to me today.
You talked to me yesterday.
Never could it happen two days in a row.
Maybe in one more day you'll talk to me, but I really doubt it.
Within the next five days for sure though.
Then you might start to miss me.
I hate this. I want to talk to you so badly all the time. I'd do almost absolutely anything for you. I love you so much. But then a lot of the time I think about how much I hate you, how much pain you cause me, how much I put up with for you, and you have no idea. I doubt you feel the same about me, but then you always make me feel like the bad guy when I say this isn't working out. You don't want to lose me.
You talk to me almost on a schedule, days spread apart. It's like something to check of your to-do list. I'm sick of it! I look forward to hearing from you so much, but it only ends in disappointment. It's a crappy conversation. I know it is. And I know I'll want to cry over it the minute it's over and all of the next days to come.
Why do we even do this?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/theodoraa/5869342304/
People Suck
People majorly suck. But you can't give them the satisfaction of falling into depression because of them. You have to be strong and smile, even if it's just to piss them off.
http://msmagazine.com/blog/blog/2011/11/14/to-get-hate-speech-off-campus-cal-state-students-wield-title-ix/mean-people-suck/
http://msmagazine.com/blog/blog/2011/11/14/to-get-hate-speech-off-campus-cal-state-students-wield-title-ix/mean-people-suck/
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